Double Agent's Observations

How much did you have on it??

I wouldn't mind checking out the Radiators and I see they're playing next week at Cronulla but unfortunately I'd need to be paid at least $10000 to step foot in the Sutherland Shire another $5000 to go to Cronulla so that's the end of that.

I can buy you a ticket if you like

A pleasant thread ...imo.

Kami you really are white trailer trash aren't you

is that racists ???

It's very racist. On behalf of that Kamikazee halfwit I take great offence.

Here is a CHOON  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wk1_wJoGV5I


Did you know that Samuel L Jackson was the world's first ever black man?

It's annoying when I get undressed,turn the shower on,adjust it to the right temperature,get in,sit down on the floor,then realise there's no soap. I'm the only person in the house that uses soap the others use bodywash. I don't like bodywash. I can't get it to lather up as much as soap. Use shampoo I hear you say. Yeah I've tried that but also find it unsatisfactory. There's only one option. I have to get up and and get out and get some soap from the shelf. It's fckking freezing out of the shower while I struggle with the packaging of the soap. Don't get me started on packaging ffs! Eventually with the strength of Hercules I manage to free the soap and dash back to the shower. I think I might have a shave while I'm here. Just the face today. I look around for the razor. FXCKS SAKE IT'S OUT ON THE SHELF.

Why is bad grammar acceptable in music? I just heard Billy Idol sing 'I ain't nobody's fool' and it sounded perfectly reasonable. But I can guarantee that if someone used such mangled English to me in a face to face conversation I would turn away in disgust,refuse to have any further discourse,maybe even get my paid goons to bash the sh1t out of him. It's a curly one.

I'm a great believer in never undertaking any new venture while sober. So it was recently when I found myself about to have sex with a sex worker of indeterminate age, race and gender. Though very drunk I did happen to notice that the sex worker smelled like an old army blanket. She (Hoping she was a she) put on a CD to put us in the mood for pounding meat. Can't remember the name of the track but it was something new from the Melancholy Panties.  She told me that when she travelled on the bus she always put her bag on the seat and refused to move it to allow another passenger to sit next to her. She couldn't stand being in close proximity to strangers. I said 'so you can't sit next to a stranger on the bus but you're happy to fckk them in this dingy bedsit?' Tact is not one of my strong points after three bottles of Seaview. She said this was business and abruptly switched off the Melancholy Panties . 'Get undressed' she told me. So I did. She had a look at my massive member and said 'you'll have to pay extra.'  I said 'this is getting really boring. I feel like some Twisties. You got any?'

Then she started crying. I wondered why she was crying. Just because she'd run out of Twisties was no reason to start blubbering. So I said 'here,suck on this. It'll make you feel better.' But that just made her cry more.  Then she said 'I always wanted to present the weather on Channel 9 News but it never happened. Now look at me. Having sex with Nutjobs like you for $100.'    'A HUNDRED BUCKS??!! WHAT THE FCKK!! YOU SAID FORTY!!!'  She started crying again.

I pulled up my pants and looked around for some alcohol. Jackpot! Found some vodka. Not my tipple of choice but this was an emergency. The poor thing looked distraught. I knocked back a couple of shots in sympathy. I sat next to her on the bed and patted her back and gave her some words of encouragement. 'It's alright. That weather girl dream is just a dream. You're way too ugly to be a weather girl. They got Amber Sherlock and that other bitch. You're not in their league. No one would go near you unless they were totally cactus.'  This just made her cry more. Ahh fckk her,I thought,there's no helping some people.

Just then she sat up straight and looked me in the eye. 'I can't believe you don't know who I am. I heard that you were in a bad way these days Double Agent but I had no idea you had sunk this low. You don't even recognise your own SISTER!!!!  You're a MONSTER DOUBLE AGENT. A MONSTER!!  YOU NEED HELP!!'

'Hey sis  howya doing!? I didn't know you were on the game. Good for you. Any discount for family??'

Young Coboz is in DA HOUSE!! Howzit going matey? Are you,like me in a state of distress at the Wallaby's lack of success?

Not taking it too badly DA. I'm enjoying the Roosters' season and hoping for another Grand Final appearance.Keep the creative writing going - always good for a chuckle.

My beloved Roosters. They're good at making Grand Final appearances. Not so good at winning them!

How do you stop that thing on youtube 'Get a better name for your account' I just wish they would fckk off and leave me alone. It's driving me nuts!

You just need to get a better name for your account.

I was walking my dog, a delightful fox terrier today when we had to stop while he did a sh1t. He was doing it in the middle of the footpath,just as I trained him to do, when an angry ugly woman walked past giving me a very nasty look. I raised my glass to her and said nothing. I was too busy checking out the size of my fox terrier's tird. It was exactly 30 inches long. He is only 20 inches long so I can't work out where the extra 10 inches of compressed fecal matter came from. You may be doubtful about my measurements but I can assure you I always carry two tape measures. One I use to monitor the length of my penis in any given situation. For example my penis is always 34mm longer while travelling in a taxi driven by a Sikh gentleman than it is when I'm on a train between Milsons Point and Wynyard. Betcha didn't know that! I also like to measure the circumference of people's skulls. The skull of the supervisor at the BOOZATORIUM is 20mm larger after I drop a bottle of Moet on the floor of the shop than when I entered. Curious eh? Almost funky! The supervisor doesn't find it curious or funky. But I don't bear him any ill will. The poor fckker has a job where he has to wear a name tag. Imagine that. A nametag. Like you just started kindergarten. Did you know kindergarten is a German word. In German it's spelt 'Kindergaarten' and means 'place where children drink litres of Pilsener beer and fight each other'. Just like Live-In-Hope's caravan park.

34 people on the Forum

You sure can draw a crowd

Although I suspect 29 of them are Poms looking for revenge on BJT for his five Tests worth of bitch slappin their

miserable dials

I don't follow the cricket much but I'm fairly sure we got flogged?

Well that was an interesting chat Spoon. Must be time for a meatloaf sandwich.

Ah ,yes. Sadly true about the Match results.

However, Bllowjob's performance on each of the Cricket Forum's Test Match threads was a sight to behold.

Like Bruce Lee, single-handedly leaving a cast of extras wondering what had hit them.

(even I was baffled at times)

Forum Man of The Series.

RESPECT

Bores and Bullsh1t Artists

I have the misfortune to attract both of these pests. Not to mention retarded types. I'm too nice just to tell them to fckk off and leave me alone. An associate of mine repairs old lawnmowers. Whenever I bump into him he whips out his phone and shows me hundreds of photos of lawnmowers in various stages of repair while he describes his work on them It is excruciatingly boring. Why do some people think you are interested in their hobbies?

As for Bullsh1t artists years ago I worked with a chap that could bullsh1t for Britain. He was mad about motorcycles and for some reason assumed I was too. I can't stand motorcycles and have no respect for the retards that ride them. But his love of motorcycles paled in comparison to his love of bullsh1t. Here are some of the stories he told me.

* Went to a party on the weekend where in the backyard there was a 44 gallon drum with a fire burning. He climbed into the drum and danced in there. You would think he told me this story after coming out of the Concord Hospital Burns Unit but no! Not a blister on him!

* A neighbour in the block of flats next to him annoyed him so much that he used dynamite to blow up the flat's letterboxes. Not once but twice. Not a word in the media about that.

* His bike was so fast that the cops don't even bother chasing him anymore. Apparently as he goes down the M4 the cops give him a friendly wave as he rockets past at 300kmh.

* He crashed his bike on an 'S' bend on the Bells Line of Road. Apparently he was going so fast he lost it on one bend and somersaulted 200m to land upside down on the opposite cliff,like something out of the Road Runner and Coyote. The damage? A bandage on his wrist.

* I wish I'd thought of this one! When the traffic going home on the M4 is bumper to bumper,and he is drinking his six pack and needs to urinate he just leaves the car in drive and walks alongside it at 4kph while p1ssing on the road. Can you believe this is what he told me?

* I once mentioned I was going to watch my son play footy. He said he never played rugby league but when he was 16 he went down to Penrith to try out for SG Ball or whatever. At the end the coaches told him he was so good he was too dangerous to play rugby league and that they had a duty of care to the other players to make sure they didn't get hurt.


I never contradicted this bloke or gave him any grief just nodded and said yeah? and really? Another bloke used to give him a hard time but he insisted the stories were true.

Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.

Hello

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4PYI6TzqYk

You are a disturbed individual.

klaatu barada nikto

You must be on some good sh1t

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaxSxEqKtA

Fckking Hell Spooon!!It's a pity you live in W.A or P.N.G or whatever. If we both had the same local pub we could have some nice chats every afternoon over a few Pale Ales.

That would be ideal!

Except I don't drink and I don't talk to strangers.

We're not strangers.

You can drink gay drinks and I will drink Pale Ale. All good.

I feel a bit sorry for my Fox Terrier at the moment. His idea of a lovely evening is in the lounge room,where there is a fire,and he can sit on my lap while I relax in the recliner watching TV. But on weekends when I booze up and and get on the forum I'm in a cold room with no fire. He sits on a lounge impatiently waiting to go to bed. His loyalty to me is so strong that he won't get into bed with his Mum and the lure of an electric blanket,much as he would love that,he just has to be with his Daddy. Soon I will head out to the lounge and watch some telly. He would much rather go to bed but loyalty dictates that he sits with me and suffers through a couple of hours of crap TV. He is an angel.

I feel a bit sorry for your Fox Terrier all the time.

Have I ever told you guys about the time I was in a porn movie? Can't remember. Anyway it was back in the 90s. I was in the U.S cruising around and one night I met a young lady in a bar in Los Angeles.  When the bar closed we went to a party. She was a porn star of no great notoriety called Elise. That was her real name and a very nice one it is too. Her stage name I can't really remember,something like Stacey Stacked or similar. She didn't really look like a porn star when I met her apart from an obviously large bust. We got on great and when she invited me back to her place after the party I was all in. Elise was about the worst driver I've ever seen and the fact she was totally smashed made for a frightening trip home. After a few more drinks we got down to business. Elise,or Stacey,whichever you prefer,gave me some nice head. She was very good but after a while I noticed a distinct lack of effort. Poor girl had fallen asleep on the job, or knob as it were. I woke her up and said I'd go down on her instead. She had a piercing in her pxssy,I'd never seen one up close before. Anyway I set about the task manfully but must have passed out because I woke up face down in her smelly minge the next morning. Confused,alarmed and disorientated I looked around wondering where I was. Stacey Stacked was laid back with her head hanging off the lounge and making a snoring noise like a V8. I thought 'if only her fans could see her now'.

Around lunchtime Elise said she had to get ready and was I still coming to the shoot? I'd forgotten about that. Apparently I had agreed to be in the movie. Some sort of gang bang scene. I was still a bit bombed from the night before not to mention having a few cans that morning so I was up for anything. After another hair raising ride in Stacey's car we arrived at a kind of industrial area in West Hollywood where I met the director of the show,Levi Ratso. Stacey introduced me as her Austrian friend come to join in the ****. Levi said,'Pleased to meetcher. Double Agent eh? That's a cool name. You in the biz?'  I said no,not as such. He said,'But you've done **** before,right?'  I said what's ****? 'I'll let Stacey explain it to you'.

I had a wander around while finishing a six pack of Budweiser till I bumped into my new girlfriend again. 'Hey Elise what's this **** deal?' She started giggling and said 'you'll love it. About ten guys stand around me jerking off and blasting on my face. It pays great.'  My ears pricked up at that. 'I get paid!??' 'Not you. Me.'  This porn thing was starting to become a bit of a disappointment. I'd come here expecting to see Jenna Jameson and a whole bunch of sluts getting it on but so far all I'd seen was an industrial area and a collection of seedy looking deviates.

Levi Ratso got the show started. I noticed Elise didn't look much like the girl I'd met the night before. She seemed to have a lot more hair. And a lot more make up. She also had a lot of zit type things on her butt. I think I preferred Elise to Stacey. Stacey cavorted around for a bit while my co stars got nude and started jerking off.  We all huddled around her like homeless men under a freeway huddling around a fire. I had a look at the other blokes and I must say I wasn't too impressed. Seedy looking wimps and weaklings,obvious degenerates and deviates. Looked just like AFL supporters. Standing there with ten nude dudes jerking off was all getting a bit gay for my liking,despite the presence of Stacey Stacked. I couldn't get hard! "CUT" shouted Levi Ratso. "What's going on Double Agent? We need wood man. WOOD! WOOD! Go and see the fluffer" and he pointed yonder. I followed his point and came across a lady laying on a lounge reading a magazine and chewing gum. She was about 50 and was proabably attractive once but had a hard life. She looked up,put the magazine down,put her chewing gum in a piece of paper and without a word started sucking me off! And man she was good!! In no time I had an almighty boner and was ready to return to work. I said 'thanks' but she just went back to her magazine. I went back to the huddle but passed a fridge on the way and by reflex got myself a cold one.

I shouldered my way into the circle and when Stacey saw me she went straight for my massive torpedo,looking up at me and giving it her best,bless her. Now this was getting good. Then I heard another scream,'CUT CUT CUT!! What the FCKK Double Agent??!! You can't be drinking a can of Bud in the middle of a ****. What's wrong with you man??! Lose the beer.'  'Sorry Mr RatFink'  'It's Ratso!' "Sorry'.

So we continued on. When I was waiting my turn for a suck I couldn't help looking at my fellow co stars. What kind of people were they? If I caught their eye I'd give a little nod,or an eyebrow raise to say g'day. Then I started to think how was I going to get back to my digs. Elise didn't live anywhere near me. I tried to remember if I'd seen a bus stop outside. I was becoming absorbed in this problem and when I next caught the eye of a man madly jerking off I said,'Hey mate do you know if the bus runs past here? Or what about a train? I love trains,me. Is there a station nearby?'  Again I heard a scream 'CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT!!!!! What the fckk is wrong with you? Are you some kind of RETARD!!!????? We're in the middle of shooting a very important scene. I only let you stay here because you're a friend of Stacey's. And you've got a big c0ck. And you're the only guy here that doesn't look like a sex offender. But please Double Agent can you just shut the fckk up?'  "Sorry Mr Ratsh1t"  'It's Ratso.'  "Sorry."

Soon it was money shot time. My fellow deviates stepped forward one by one and deposited a load on Stacey Stacked's face. I kept holding back letting others go before me. To be honest I just wasn't finding this **** deal much fun. I couldn't help wondering how hygenic all this was. And it was starting to get smelly. I couldn't avoid it any longer and Stacey grabbed me by the knob and started assisting me towards climax. Looking down on her,her face covered with the ccome of these creeps around me was putting me right off. I said "I don't think I can do this anymore Elise. This is all getting a bit creepy and frankly with all that jzzzz all over your melon you look a bit yucky."  I waited to hear Levi Ratso screaming but all I heard was a moan and 'fckk him we'll just edit him out.'

I went back to the fridge to get a can of Bud and went over to the fluffer lady. I learnt that if you stood in front of her she'd suck you! This time she wasn't reading a magazine and chewing gum and ignoring me. She was standing up and looking straight at me. She said 'I've never seen a man drink a beer during a **** before'  I said 'you mustn't have ever been to Australia then. We drink beer during everything!' She started to smile and said 'you're a very strange person Double Agent.'  I said 'if strange means I don't like standing around jerking off with a bunch of retards jzzzing on a girl I only just met then sure,I must be strange.'  She looked at my beer and said 'I could use one of those myself'.  I said 'there's about a dozen in the fridge. How about I grab 'em and we get out of here. Can you drive?'

**** = Bewkake

Vulgar man, you are.

Please continue.....

Has anyone on the forum ever partied with a Chantoozie? Apart from me of course. And when I say party you know I mean FCKKKKKEEEDD!!!. David Reyne doesn't count.

Dark haired one was a man. Our encounter was brief.

How very DARE you!! She was NOT a man.

Actually there was two brunettes. Your one was most probably a man.

Ally Fowler, Wally to his mates.

Sorry to take the gloss off your conquest

That's done it! I am now apoplectic with rage. If you had any idea what that poor girl went through you wouldn't make such flippant and hurtful remarks.

Hurtful?

Actually there was two brunettes. Your one was most probably a man. The other brunette was fair game?

I met up with her when the Chantoozies were on the decline. To nurse an over inflated ego to the realisation that their band SUCKS BALLS and she has limited,almost microscopic talent,is not easy. I found that POUNDING HER PSSSY night and day and jamming my C0CK in her face constantly took her mind off it. What can I say? I'm here to help.

Did I ever tell you about my rather tempestuous relationship with Sharon O'Neil? She is a kiwi and an avid All Blacks supporter and after every All Blacks victory over the Wallabies she insisted on wearing a black strap on dildo and anally violating me. The number of strokes matched the score and the size of the strap on increased with each win. It was fun for a while but when the Wallabies lost by 37 points and she strapped on 16" dildo I had to call it quits. Nice girl but.

CHOON TIME CNNTS!!!

I think you'll agree a very old Russell Morris does a remarkable job with this Bob Dylan classic. Most vocalists get absolute shyte as they get older but not Russell.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__94J_lSPic

FCKKING LIGHTWEIGHTS...

I had some c0ck tonight

oops
Cocktails

I'm intrigued. Tell me more. Did your Mum make them for you?

Nah the canteen lady did

Beware the Elephant entering the boarding quarters bearing fabulous drinks. That will lead to sodomy. Unless you like that stuff. In which case drink up and bend over!

I hear that you are O.S atm? Is this true and if so where are you right now?

great Russell Morris tube DA

he was a bit of a legend i remember as a teenager once defending one of his audience

... at a concert a girl from the audience jumped on stage and ran towards Russell and a bouncer mistreated her pushing her around a bit too harshly and Russell went into a karate type stance and shaped up to the bouncer defending her ... great stuff

He was a terrible boundary rider for Channel 7 though.

And yes I am in Malaysia now

well if you see the show's host ... take a picture and profess my admiration of her physicality to her 

one of my fave Fox shows on TLC = Passage To Malaysia

http://www.tlcasia.com/tv-shows/passagetomalaysia

and some snaps of the gal herself

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=passage+to+malaysia+host&biw=1344&bih=702&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=3sFIUra9McTdigfUo4HwBw&ved=0CGgQsAQ

(now that's a mayasian passage i would like to see up close  )

I am off to start searching now

Shall I give her one on your behalf?

two please   

Might need some blue pills for that

not once you see her close up joel ... just give it another 20 mins 

Russell M, I can't tell you how many times I went to see him at the locals, one of the all time great pub bands...............................now here's one for you regarded as the all time greatest toon, but no one ever did a cover version.....why is that?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrK5u5W8afc

no one ever did a cover ... classic loggy 

it would also have to be one of the hardest songs to sing i would think .. a real test of registers & control

ps  and were they really brothers ?

Elvis did one , but did give it justice, i'm in the groove now, I think I dance like this still

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toBl4rvTgs8


no they weren't brothers

and here's one, that's shows what a real band does and one man with a mean axe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW5M5xljdCI

and one from the inventors of axe boogie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jS3rlsTYJKg

alvin lee woodstock ... helicopter ... fell over when i heard & watched it in the movie ... fast wow ... a classic 

wow .. and the big bear bobbie hite .. doing falsetto ... great memories loggy 

alvin lee died 2013 aged 68 RIP

hadn't heard loggy ... RIP alvin

Was he a chipmunk?

I like the movie Drive. Here is a good CHOON from the soundtrack.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW9F81Kvm1o

First decent track (barring Der Kommisar ) you've posted in years. Congrats

A CHOON about BNS UTES! My Favourite thing in the World!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY9XQid4l4M

I absolutely LOATHE my neighbour. Rarely can I go outside without encountering this oaf. Especially my front yard. He and his wife are not from this area it's obvious. They are some kind of upwardly mobile Westies that are trying their best to fit in. It's insufferable. I find the husband particularly unbearable. An active man of paralysing stupidity. It's hard to describe his relentless joviality. He is a mass of imbecile enthusiasms. He once tried to enlist me in some pointless charity bullsh1t. I noticed he had the neat handwriting of the illiterate. Spare me the musings of the publicly educated BrainDead. Please...

I would swap neighbors with you in a heart beat - you can gave my qld housing commission 'clients' will even throw in their 2 useless fluffly mongrel dogs.
now that its mango season here they have been beltig the neighbor hood roofs and windows with green fruit. THey think its fun to ring someones doorbell and run away. I CANT F UCKIN WAIT FOR HALLOWEEN!

Check out this BNS Ute BEAST. A VR or VS. Awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLsQMyf6aBs&list=PL4zSML4DNIVtqxoYtwS8aXCzeHRaJa3S_&index=11

There are not too many more enjoyable ways to pass the time than detailing your car. I am a man noted for his laziness,yet when it comes to waxing the car I am inspired. There is nothing better than washing,polishing,waxing and sealing the automobile. Trimming tyres and making dashboards gleam fills me with joy. There is nothing I like more than finding a scratch. Out comes the wet and dry sandpaper and the buffing machine. Don't forget the engine bay! Cracking a beer and admiring the fruit of the labour is one of the most satisfying things I know.

It's quite pleasurable to tinker with an old car as well. A pre computer car is good. Aussie V8s or big sixes are good. Plenty of room in the engine bay. The internet has revolutionised it. Whatever you want to do you can find out how on google or youtube. Brilliant. Keeps the wife happy too. When my wife senses that I am bored and may want to insert something inside her she will say something like,'how's the ute coming along? Have you changed the fuel filter yet?' and I will scurry out to the garage looking for a spanner.

The other day I came across a black cat. He was meowing loudly. I stopped to look at him and to give him a pat. He had a collar and bell on him that was going from his neck to under his arm. I thought 'that's a bit odd' but sometimes dogs have a collar and harness thing so maybe it was like that. Anyway I was in a hurry so I had to keep going. I noticed a lady approach the cat after I left but the cat avoided her.

Today I walked that way again and heard the cat meowing. Ahead of me someone was trying to get it to come to him but the cat wasn't having any. When I got to it I squatted down and put out my hand and made my 'cat noises'. It came over and I had a better look at this collar. Turns out it was cutting into the poor creature. I got hold of him and released it. Fcking hell it stank! An open wound in his armpit area. I carried the poor bugger home and put him in the tray of the ute and got him a feed of chicken. He gobbled that up. He's only skin and bones. I would've taken him inside except at present I am minding a friend's kelpie and border collie so I know it would have been a nightmare.

I had to go out then. When I came back he was gone. I'm hoping I see him again because he really needs to see a vet.

Enough with the jibber- jabber!


The cardboard "trays" have been removed from within the packaging of Turkish Delights.


Thoughts?

I am not familiar with that product. Sorry.

Did you know that these days some cars have the fuel filter inside the fuel tank? How crazy is that? You gotta remove a fuel tank just to change a little filter.

The only time I open the bonnet is to change a headlight or to allow access to radiator when it's cooked.....

strangely though, I do know of the phenomenon of which you speak....I owned a Holden Rodeo

Now, back to the big issue.

I'm fearing anti-melt genetic tinkering of that brown stuff that coats my favorite purple blooj.

A Holden Rodeo??? Ewyewwwwwww.

I love chocolate. Belgian sea shell chocolate is divine. I would love to tour the world tasting beer and chocolate,and watching rugby. Throw a Holden ute into my hotel room to tinker with if it's wet outside and life couldn't be better!

It was a ute ....with a canopy

Anyhoo, If my suspicions are correct... melting issues coupled with removal of pulp product ....it's about Global Warming!

should I consult AFL?

No one knows more about the subject than AFL. What he doesn't know he can copy and paste.

and he IS the only one on here ....weirder than you

Got any Thailand stories for us?

Weird? Me?

I've never been to Thailand. Unlikely to ever go. UK/Europe is my destination of choice.

I'm off. Good to see you around

Good luck with the cat.

Thanks Spoon all the best.

Think you're confusing DA with JD Spoon.         

Tx, Coboz. I seem to be easily confused in these, my twilight years

Quality bizarro