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HELLO, good morning & welcome to my latest blog.

Yes, it's been a while, but you know how it is. I've been ducking and diving more than a bathysphere lately so haven't had time to share my wisdom with you all. Nevertheless, I hope this note reaches you well.

I was lucky enough to be invited to a posh Christmas bash the other day. It was held in the grounds of my old Eton chum Bert Tottington-Smith’s mansion in the home counties. I can’t reveal the exact location as I’m under a non-disclosure agreement, but if you type ‘big, posh houses in the south of England’ into google you’ll get some idea of how grandiose it is.

Put it this way, the marquee in the front lawn was bigger than an average circus tent. There were loads of monied people there and to be honest at times I felt a little out of my depth, especially when a serving wench came round with a tray of canapés, none of which I recognised. One of the best features of the day, however, was that I hadn’t seen as many models in one place since I was last at the annual Airfix convention. Luckily, given my good looks, charm and highly-polished brogues I soon had enough ladies’ phone numbers to fill a local directory.

I digress.

In between womanising, partying and spying I’ve been keeping up with the darts. This evening’s matches have caught my eye because there are two sure-fire winners about to step up to the oche. Both Lewis and Van Gerwen should have no trouble in despatching the bespectacled pair Wade and Webster. They’re short odds, but a double pays out at more than 1.5.

Best of luck, and remember the Aldi version of Pimms is every bit as nice as the real thing.

006.9
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HELLO, good afternoon & welcome to my latest blog. I’ve always found that following Henry Hill’s sage-like words of wisdom have stood me in good stead for most things. He once told me: “Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.”

I’ve since added one more thing to the above: “Never hire plastic shoes.”

Tour guides in Turkey are a bit like internet search engines – they never take you where you want to go at the first time of asking. I somehow ended up on a gorge walk through Saklikent gorge in Turkey the other week and as I didn’t want to damage my pair of John Lobbs I was forced to borrow the most ghastly pair of plastic rhythms you’ve ever seen in your life. Couple this with the fact that I’d upset some of the locals down the road in Dalyan only a few weeks prior and I ended up with some shocking blisters having to kick the living daylights out of three loons who’d been sent over on a Dolmus to sort me out. If you’ve never been on a gorge walk, I have three pieces of advice for you: “Don’t do it if there’s any chance you’ll be followed by a trio of Turkish troublemakers, make it look like an accident when you give them a hiding and never hire plastic shoes.”

I digress.

Having narrowly escaped a crack on the skull with Akira’s bowler hat the other day, I’m feeling quite lucky. I’ve since made it up with him by sorting him and his mates out with some top quality salt and talcum powder. They’re into sumo – a nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat.
Onto this weekend’s sporting action and there’s a cracking bet in Serie A. Sassuolo (couldn’t score in a house of ill-repute/bottom of the league) play Inter (won 3-0 on their last Serie A away trip). Back Inter @ 1.84 for an easy wallet-improver.

Have an exciting weekend.

006.9
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HELLO, good evening and welcome to my latest blog. I don’t know if any of you have ever played any football management games, but to sum them up they’re just like women. They beckon you in with the prospect of a more exciting life, you become addicted to them, you enjoy a few highs and lows (as opposed to kitchen table mediocrity), then they dump you on your backside just when you think you’ve sussed them out. Besides, once you’ve managed Crawley Town to the European Champions League final (I have the screenshots to prove it), the only way is down.

I digress. My local cricket combo, Lancashire, have just achieved promotion back up to the top division of English cricket. When they finally got their winning runs, the crowd of 23 (two umpires, the groundsman, 18 members of the catering staff and the two twelfth men) were ecstatic, I can tell you. The nearby Tesco’s, which is seventeen times larger than Wembley, three stories higher than Taipei 101 and shinier than The Shard, meanwhile, was laughing all the way to the bank.

For a change, I have a double for you this week. Stuart Bingham will win his first round match in the Shanghai Masters, as will Ding Junhui. If either of them don’t I’ll be in serious trouble as I owe Akira ‘The Sharpened Bowler Hat’ Yamawaki as few million Yen after losing a wasabi-snorting contest to him in downtown Osaka the other night. I’m not saying my vomit stunk, but the TV news was soon reporting unsubstantiated rumours of a chemical attack. Thankfully, no women or children were hurt, only a few mixed-up martial artists returning from the local dojo.

Good luck and happy punting!

006.9
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Don't dilly dally in Dalyan

16 Jul 13 08:45
HELLO, good morning and welcome to my latest blog. I hope this reaches you well. Please accept my usual apologies for not being in touch, but I had a date with a belly dancer in Turkey the other week. I’m not saying she was ugly, but she had a face like a witch doctor’s rattle. Still, there were benefits to be had as one of the local madmen (‘Agitated’ Abdul Arslan) invited me on a few trips out off the coast of Dalyan.

There’s only so many pieces of Turkish Delight you can eat off a woman’s stomach, so once I’d blown her out it was time for a razz down to Iztuzu beach, followed by a bit of cave swimming and a jeep safari. The driver of the aforementioned was almost as mad as Abdul, which is saying something. He reminded me a little of Baldrick out of Blackadder, but without the brains or the looks. Still, we managed to get back to the mosque in the main square intact when I was set upon by three freaks who’s travelled over from Istanbul when they’d heard I was in the country. Abdul was taking a plop in the nearby public convenience as he feels it’s his civic duty to pay to lay a cable, so I had to face the trio single-handed and unarmed.

I one inch-punched the first one, who went down like a three week-old kebab. The second one came at me with a big meat cleaver, so I grabbed his wrist, spun him round and delivered a quick kick to the ging gangs, followed by a rib stamp as he fell to the floor. You generally find that when you’ve teddied the first two, the third tends to back off.

Not this time.

He came at me with all he had, which wasn’t much, so I simply side-stepped him, got him in a headlock, whispered in his ear “Mate, you’re just a pawn on a chess board you can’t even see the edge of,” (in perfect Turkish of course), then dragged him kicking and screaming onto the harbour before hitting him on the temple with the palm of my free hand and gently lowering him into the water.

Just as I was walking back, Abdul appeared and asked me if I fancied an Efes. How could I refuse? I sauntered over to Yener’s Bar with him, offering a polite ‘Merhaba’ to the locals who I’d impressed with my mixed martial art streetfighting skills.

I digress.

The darts and the snooker are coming up soon and I have a couple of certainties for you.
Back Dale to beat Davies in Rotterdam and Van Barneveld to beat Suljovic in Blackpool.

Good luck & happy punting.
Till next time!
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HELLO, good morning and welcome to my latest blog. Buoyed by my correct prediction of Murray taking the Aegon title the other week, I thought I'd share some more sage-like words of tennis tipping wisdom with you all.

Novak Djokovic, who I once bumped into on Larvotto beach in Monte Carlo (he was very polite, despite me repeatedly kicking sand into his face), looks like he can repeat his 2011 success, the only trouble being Nadal looks like he can emulate his 2008 and 2010 wins and Murray looks like, well, a bit of a gargoyle. No disrespect as he’s not in the game for his looks, but my bulldog did a great impression of Murray the other day as he attempted to lick some urine off a thistle.

Don’t get me wrong. I have the utmost admiration for Murray and his sporting abilities. He’s won me a lot of money over the years and I have to thank him for that. Besides, it’s not like I’m any ‘Brad Pitt’ in comparison.

More of a hybrid of the best bits of George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, Adam West and Ron Jeremy.

I digress.

Enjoy the tennis and if Nadal, Murray or Djokovic don’t win Wimbledon this year I’ll roll naked down Murray mount (formerly known as Henman Hill, Nastase Knoll, Sharapova Slope, Cash Cairn, Ashe Ascent, Berdych Bluff and not forgetting Cliff Cliff).

Just make sure you have a ticket, because there’ll be a lot of birds there wanting sight of the 69 torso.

Good luck & happy punting,
006.9
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HELLO, good afternoon and welcome to my latest blog. It's been quite some time since I last updated you all on my activities so I hope this message reaches you well. Good old British weather, eh? The blooming precipitation at Queen's Club over the last few days is enough to made a man choke on his lobster thermidor. Rather than complain, however, I was quickly onto one of my contacts in a large sweat shop in South East Asia with a bespoke design for a new style of tennis shoes. Basically a hybrid of squash shoes and golf shoes, these really tick all the boxes so I've ordered two thousand to be knocked out in time for Wimbledon. I've made sure they're all white in keeping with Wimbledon's rules and at £80 a pop I'll be in profit as soon as I've sold three pairs. It's amazing how quickly these Asian workers can turn things round, especially when half of them have their little fingers missing.

I digress.

The boy Murray is looking good at present, as I'm writing this with a pair of Gargoyles directly in my line of vision, and I can't help but think he'll win the Aegon Championships this year, rather than in 2012 when he went out to Nicolas Mahut, the French joker who once played John Isner for six weeks and still lost.

I must dash folks, as I've got a date with some idiot who thinks he can personalise the interior of my Aston Martin DB5 with Andy Warhol-style pictures of Yoffie out of Fingerbobs. This I have to see.

Till next time.

Good luck & happy punting

Alex69
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Quite a quality quonundrum

15 Oct 12 20:58
Hello, good evening and welcome to my latest blog. My, it's been a while. The last time I spoke to you my hair was a lot thicker and my waistline a lot thinner. Then again, when you get used to being wined and dined by various extremist groups with a view to sharing punting knowledge it's easy to pile on the pounds and become a bit nervous. I was having a spot of lunch with one of the aforementioned only the other day. For obvious reasons (i.e. they’ll cut out my guts and feed me them if I share any secrets that could get them into lumber with the gavvers) I can’t name the faction I was being entertained by, but I can divulge that their name involves a colour and a month. They’re a pretty ghastly bunch I have to tell you – low on personal hygiene and high on creosote – but we have an arrangement whereby every tip I give them they take me out for caviar and spicy potato wedges, washed down with Black Monk’s Bavarian Brew, so who am I to argue? One of these days I’ll simply tell them where to shove their hospitality but needs must – I still owe ‘Barking’ Jon Ferguson three ponies and half a monkey.

He's in the circus trade.

I digress. I’m up to ‘Q’ on the betting advice alphabet, so here goes fans...

Q is for Quick Fix

Rome wasn’t built in a day, so by the same reckoning don’t expect to suddenly be wheeling your cash around in a barrow after one bet. Patience is an underestimated virtue and a vital weapon in the better better’s armoury. Take it nice and easy and the steady drip of cash will fill the bucket sooner than you think. It’ll take a while, of course, but that big pile of money will have been worth all your time spent investigating your bets, getting the stakes right and of course correctly identifying the right markets and the right types of wager. Paper trade your systems first and use your betting bank. Don’t go mad. Keep control of your liability and ultimately you’ll succeed. Over-stretching yourself is not only bad for your back, it’s bad for your betting bank.

I’ll be back soon, but in the meantime I need to avoid a man with a beard, a limp and a badly-done tattoo of Kilimanjaro.

Chin up, chest out & shoulders back

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HELLO, good morning and welcome to my latest blog.

I visited a good friend of mine the other day. He lives in one of those big old mansions where the painting above the dinner table has eyes that move and all the bookcases have secret passages behind them. He puts on the odd wine tasting evening now and then. When I say ‘odd’, I mean ‘weird’. You have to dress up as one of your favourite book characters while you’re there. I’ve variously turned up over the years as Timmy the dog out of The Famous Five, the giant peach out of James and the Giant Peach and Zaphod Beeblebrox out of The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. The latter elicited a few chuckles I can tell you, especially as my extra head was an actual ‘Kraftwerk’ robot head from their 1981 tour of locations with nuclear power stations. 

This time, however, I came as Kevin out of We Need To Talk About Kevin.

I digress.

There’s some exciting darts action coming up this evening and there are a couple of handicap bets worth taking a look at. Kevin Painter +2.5 can be had at around EVS against the ultimate hot-and-cold blower Adrian Lewis, while Andy Hamilton +2.5 can be backed at similar odds versus Simon Whitlock, against whom he’s had many a close battle.

And finally, I’ve been following the experts on www.zerohype.co.uk for quite some time now and have found myself making even more money. Well done gentlemen, long may it continue.

Good luck & happy punting! I’m off to shoot some arrows.
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HELLO, good afternoon and welcome to my latest blog. Once again, apologies for the sporadic nature of my posts, but my life has been as unpredictable as the British weather of late. I had to spend a week holed up in Monaco recently as a good friend of mine who owed me a favour invited me over to his mansion with a view to spending a bit of time at the Monte Carlo casino.

He reckons I bring him luck, so I didn’t need much persuasion to hop on a plane and join him for a few sessions on the roulette tables. After three quarters of an hour I’d accumulated enough chips to give Harry Ramsden a run for his money, so we spent the rest of the week variously living it up in La Note Bleue, sunbathing on Larvotto beach and chilling on one of my friend’s yachts moored at Monte Carlo harbour.

I digress.

Tomorrow’s darts is looming and I have a tasty Dutch for you - (comedy pause) - and I don’t mean Raymond Van Barneveld. He’s just totally so not my type.

Get on Mr Taylor to beat Hamilton 8-1, 8-2 or 8-3 as and when liquidity permits on the correct score market and soon your wallet will be bulging.

Good luck and happy punting! They don’t sell car snow chains for Ferraris at my local Halfords so I’m off to buy myself a sledge 
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Is that the time already?

23 Feb 12 11:34
ISN'T it awkward when you meet someone and they want to buy the clothes you're wearing? I experienced this the other day in a delightful country pub I visited, just south of Crewe.

While I was tucking into the Ploughman’s Lunch In A Basket (tremendous value at £7.99 with a free pint of Bishop’s Thorny Elbow), this dreadful fellow approached me and offered me £100 for my blazer. I politely declined as I was just about to shovel some more Branston Small Chunk onto a nice piece of brie, but he wasn’t letting it go. I calmly explained to him that the buttons alone were worth more than a grand and he seemed to take umbrage at this, going all hot under the collar.

He offered me outside, so I told him to stop being so rude and to wait until I’d finished. He started screaming all sorts of obscenities so in one swift and fluid movement I got up, administered a one inch punch to his solar plexus and he went down like a sack of human excrement.

I digress.

Tonight the Premier League Darts is into its third exciting week and each tie throws up some rather splendid betting opportunities. James Wade has played like the proverbial dog thus far and can’t possibly play as badly as he has been doing, so lay his under-priced opponent Gary Anderson. You’ll be able to trade out on this one if you want to protect your stake. As for the other three matches, Whitlock will beat Painter by 8-5 or 8-4, so dutch those. Taylor can take Barney 8-6 or 8-5, while Lewis should end his run of draws by beating Andy Hamilton.

Good luck and happy punting – I’ve got to see my tailor about a cravat.
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