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HELLO, good afternoon and welcome to my blog. Hope this post reaches you all well. Having successfully landed a number of football tips over the last few days, I’m turning my attention to the sport for noblemen of excessive girth – darts.

There’s a cracking night of hot, sweaty, tattooed action in prospect ahead of us this evening at Belfast. I represented the University of Geneva at darts back in the day so I know what I’m talking about. I vividly recall one fiercely-contested final against a rather hirsute gentleman from Wilderswill - Roger ‘Bullseye’ Frei – who was uncannily accurate with his finishing. He had me on the rack at 4-0 in a best of nine contest until I fought back with characteristic bravery. With the match tied at 4-4 and his large following baying for blood I simply had to win, as the prize on offer for the winner was a bespoke matching glockenspiel and cuckoo clock set, hand carved from Norwegian wood.

Frei had the darts and threw a swift and solid ton-forty to start. With the scorer scribbling away like a turbo-charged Samuel Pepys, I stepped up to the oche and fired my first two darts into the treble 20 bed, but I suffered an unfortunate bounce-out to leave the scores Frei 361, Sixtynine 381. At his next visit, Frei slammed another two darts into the treble 20 bed then nonchalantly flung one into the bullseye, scoring 170. I wouldn’t say I was feeling the heat at that time, for Denis Ovens wasn’t within easy reach, but I knew I had to up my game.

I strode confidently up to the oche and flung my fourth dart of the final leg. It landed in the treble 20 bed, but covered it so I had to go downstairs for the treble 19. This I nailed, twice, to put a bit of pressure on Frei’s next throw. With the scores at Frei 191, Sixtynine 207, my opponent scored a disappointing 60, with each dart ending up right on the wire. The crowd was roaring its support, so I switched to southpaw for show, but over-egged the first dart which fortuitously landed in double top. I scored single twenty with the second and managed a treble with the third for an accidental Shanghai to leave 87.

Frei had three darts at 131 to win it by this point, however, and I’ll give him his dues he hurled his first arrow slap bang in the middle of the treble 20 to leave 71 with two darts. He confidently hit treble seven with his next to leave bullseye, his favourite double. Judging by the noise at this point you’d have thought that the Swiss Federal Chancellor had just announced his PIN number over the tannoy.

Unbelievably, Frei missed the bullseye by the width of a caterpillar’s nose hair. Checking out on 87 was far from a formality for me, however, with my nerves jangling like Bobby George’s jewellery. Distracted by a glint of light off someone’s Swiss Army Knife I somehow contrived to pull my first dart so badly it nestled into little twelve, leaving me two darts at 75. I held it together enough to get 25 with my next, leaving bullseye to win.

I’ll leave it to you, my loyal followers, to work out what happened with my throw at the 50. Suffice to say, my matching glockenspiel and cuckoo clock set still has pride of place on my marble mantelpiece and brings back a lot of happy memories.   

I digress. Here are my tips for tonight...

Eight matches have been played in this season’s Premier League Darts without a single one throwing up a draw, so I’m going against the form and recommending you to lay the favourite in three of tonight’s four matches - Anderson/Webster, Whitlock/Wade and Lewis/Van Barneveld.

The obvious BACK bet, however, is to get on Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor who should have enough wattage to ease past Terry ‘The Bull’ Jenkins comfortably enough.

Please note: feel free to trade out at any point in your lay bets, depending as ever on the size of your ging-gangs and the solidity of your betting bank.

Good luck and happy punting!

Remember: Trebles for show, doubles for dough.
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HELLO, good evening and welcome to my blog.   

People have often asked me why I don’t put prices on the tips I provide. The simple answer, my followers, is that you can’t put a price on love, for I blinking LOVE punting. It’s up there on the Official List Of Life’s Greatest Joys alongside fast cars, the best cocktail bars and sliced bread, freshly baked by my head baker ‘Crazy’ Joyce Illingworth.

Furthermore, as I may have mentioned once before, one man’s value is another man’s rip-off and what might seem an outrageously generous price to me might seem parsimonious to the next (ill-informed) man.

The road to being a high-roller has been a tough one, rather like trying to deny you’ve got stigmata when the palms of your hands keep bleeding.   

Despite coming from a highly-privileged background I have had to spend time on the streets, with working-class people. In fact I’m a very accomplished street footballer and regularly outplayed the scruffs I had the misfortune to face. I enjoyed my time as a street footballer immensely, but I just got sick and tired of my team-mates dribbling into cul-de-sacs.

I digress. I don’t have any immediate tips for you as my spreadsheets have had to undergo a major virus check in the wake of some jealous idiots in cyberspace trying to hack into my much-feted statistical database. Don’t worry though, followers, I represented England under-15s at Tron and I soon gave them a good virtual whipping.

Tonight’s Medium-term tip

BACK: A 147 break to be made at the 2011 Snooker World Championships

With the standard of snooker universally accepted to be at its highest ever level, a dozen of the competitors at The Crucible are more than capable of scoring maximum breaks. With 31 matches to be played over the course of two weeks from April 16, at least one player will make the perfect visit to the table and justifiably take their place in snooker’s hall of fame.

Good luck and happy punting!

Remember, betting success can only be gained by resolution and determination.
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SUCCESS buys more champagne - all three successfully backed & already laid off. Enjoy quaffing, followers. More tips to follow in the next few days when I've recovered from my next hangover Cool

Original posts below...

22 Feb 11 09:15

Tonight’s tips

BACK: Over 2.5 goals in tonight’s Blackpool v Spurs match. Both of these teams love to get the ball down, pass it around and attack, attack, attack. Couple this with the fact that Blackpool have as much chance of keeping a clean sheet as a vagrant with chronic diarrhoea and you’re laughing all the way to the members’ only cocktail bar.

BACK: Norwich City to beat Doncaster at home this evening. Genuine promotion contenders Norwich are very strong at home, while a cursory glance at the Championship Recent Form table sees Donny near the bottom of the pile. Expect the Canaries to be singing at the end of this one.

BACK: Chelsea to beat FC Copenhagen away in Denmark in the Champions League. While no-one seems to like Chelsea at the moment and their season has been a shocker for their usual high standards, they simply have far too much class for Copenhagen who are far from wonderful themselves.

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A Trio of Tasty Tips

22 Feb 11 08:15
HELLO, good morning and welcome to the latest edition of my blog. Special warm greetings go to my ever-growing band of followers.

I’m going to have to cut down on this post-win boozing. The other week this little darling with warm brown hair and a beautiful smile walked into the country pub near my UK holiday mansion which I like to pop into from time to time to celebrate a win. My friend, ‘Obscure’ Fred Tottington, the local gamekeeper who has a small cottage next door, whispered to me: “She’s rather a beautiful little thing,” to which I replied: “Which one?”

Seeing double is one of the more tolerable side-effects to having a drink. It’s the morning after that irks me. “Hair of the dog, old bean?” yelled Fred through my letterbox. I wouldn’t like to say what time it was, for he’d already been up shooting pheasant since pre-milkman hours. “No thanks,” I croaked from my room in the mansion’s west wing (it’s rather charming – exposed beams, original features and all that). I’d been on the tequila slammers and I knew I had none in the house.

Still, while one’s young one must enjoy themselves, and while I’m rather partial to a glass of champers as my legion of readers will testify to, a decent quality glass of Bourbon goes down a treat as an instant hangover cure and pick-me-up. Stick to a well-known brand if you’re unsure – Jack Daniels or Jim Beam (black label if at all possible) are both perfectly acceptable if you don’t have the kind of funds I have at my disposal.

Half-fill the tumbler (it has to be a clear tumbler – anything else is simply disrespectful) with ice, then add a generous portion of Bourbon – say the equivalent of a standard double. Swill it round in your hand so that the ice cools it down.

Drink it in two long, slow swigs, savouring the flavour and its reassuring bite at the back of your throat and enjoy the sensation of it flowing into your stomach. If you fancy some more after that, I’d strongly advise some breakfast – smoked salmon and poached or scrambled eggs is fine, but drink a little slower from that point onwards. You want to see just one spreadsheet at a time, after all. It’s amazing how quickly 1.01 becomes 101 when you’re smashed out of your skull. If a few slugs of Bourbon don’t do the trick, try sprinkling a sachet of Resolve on the ice before your pour your next shot.

Anyway, I digress. I have a trio of tremendous tips for you all to peruse in your ongoing quest to live a similar lifestyle to my own.

Tonight’s tips

BACK: Over 2.5 goals in tonight’s Blackpool v Spurs match. Both of these teams love to get the ball down, pass it around and attack, attack, attack. Couple this with the fact that Blackpool have as much chance of keeping a clean sheet as a vagrant with chronic diarrhoea and you’re laughing all the way to the members’ only cocktail bar.

BACK: Norwich City to beat Doncaster at home this evening. Genuine promotion contenders Norwich are very strong at home, while a cursory glance at the Championship Recent Form table sees Donny near the bottom of the pile. Expect the Canaries to be singing at the end of this one.

BACK: Chelsea to beat FC Copenhagen away in Denmark in the Champions League. While no-one seems to like Chelsea at the moment and their season has been a shocker for their usual high standards, they simply have far too much class for Copenhagen who are far from wonderful themselves.

Good luck and happy punting!

Remember, it’s always better to be wise than to be smart.
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This is EASY!

21 Feb 11 21:04
GOOD evening readers and congratulations to all of you who were wise enough to follow my blog earlier today. Here's a very brief reminder about my recent successes. I sincerely hope your champers is as tasty as mine is tonight.

BLOG SUCCESS UPDATE:

BACK West Ham to beat Burnley in the FA Cup tonight. At just under even money, here’s a fantastic opportunity to virtually double your cash as an established Premier League outfit takes on a very average Championship side. West Ham are struggling against relegation, granted, but those bubble-blowing Hammers love a good FA Cup run and, like Portsmouth last season, can continue to progress, despite their abysmal league form. Burnley, on the other hand, have a poor away record and their two ‘star’ (ahem) signings - Charlie Austin and Marvin Bartley - are both cup-tied. (POSTED 21 Feb 11 10:15)

LAY Rangers to beat Sporting Lisbon at home on Thursday 17 February. While Rangers are strong at home, Sporting Lisbon, who compete in a much stronger domestic league, have an excellent away record and are as likely to give the ball away as the Coalition Government are to drastically reduce fuel charges. (POSTED 16 Feb 11 14:30)

BACK Under 3.5 goals in tonight’s Wigan v Bolton FA Cup match. Neither of these teams could score in a house of ill-repute and I’d be very surprised if this one turned out to be one of the all-time classic FA Cup games. (POSTED 16 Feb 11 14:30)

Remember, the steady drip fills the champagne bucket.
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Burnley To Get Hammered

21 Feb 11 09:15
HELLO, good morning and welcome to my blog. Isn’t it great how many famous people seem to support Red Nose Day? Alex Ferguson, Ricky Tomlinson, Ronald McDonald...

What a weekend I’ve just had.

After having to undergo emergency eye surgery in the immediate aftermath of Katie Price performing I Want To Break Free on my 3D television (think ‘dead heat in a Zeppelin race’), I was forced to spend most of yesterday avoiding bright light. Luckily I can comfortably afford the best in private health care, so I didn’t have to join the waiting list for eye treatment behind the referees, the umpires and the lab rats.

I knew my Uncle Remus’s organic cucumber farm in Essex would come in useful one day. On my return home, I gave him a call and, blagging him that I’d invited a Thai lady over for dinner who fancied a bit of Yum Tang Gwa, he quickly had a fresh one sent over to my castle via microlight. My eyes were much less sore within minutes of my butler ‘Daft’ Frankie Johnson applying a couple of thin slices. I felt rather awkward sitting there cucumbered-up getting him to put my glass of champers to my lips every time I wanted a sip, but I pay him handsomely and he knows not to talk back.

While I’m more than proficient in the use of Braille, I soon grew tired of reading the selection of literature available - the warnings on my head cleaner’s bleach bottles. Still, I felt fortunate that my fingers are as sensitive as ever – it’s not like I’ve ever had them burnt punting.

Furthermore, my temporary blindness gave me the opportunity to listen to some relaxing and soothing music by three of my favourite composers - Schubert, Haydn and Fleshgod Apocalypse. I digress. Given the amount of time I’ve had to waste on ocular recuperation this weekend, I haven’t been able to study my vast database of results spreadsheets as thoroughly as I’d like, but I still have a corking tip for you all.

BACK West Ham to beat Burnley in the FA Cup tonight. At just under even money, here’s a fantastic opportunity to virtually double your cash as an established Premier League outfit takes on a very average Championship side. West Ham are struggling against relegation, granted, but those bubble-blowing Hammers love a good FA Cup run and, like Portsmouth last season, can continue to progress, despite their abysmal league form. Burnley, on the other hand, have a poor away record and their two ‘star’ (ahem) signings - Charlie Austin and Marvin Bartley - are both cup-tied.

Remember – back high, lay low, but never eat the yellow snow.


 
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Success buys more champagne

18 Feb 11 08:44
HELLO, good morning and welcome to my blog. I hope you are all keeping well and feeling wealthy. As regular readers know, I’m an extremely lucky person and the rather splendid returns from my first pair of tips (see ‘The steady drip fills the champagne bucket’ posted 16 Feb 11 14:30) have encouraged me to continue helping you all in your quest to lead a lifestyle as glorious and exhilarating as my own.

To celebrate my recent wins I began by stripping down to my fluorescent orange Speedos. I then attached a rope to myself, jumped in my heated swimming pool, tied the rope all the way across and simply bobbed gently up and down most of the morning. You could say I was buoyed by my success.

When I’d grown tired of the pool, I changed into my paisley smoking jacket and treated myself to a large Vodka Collins (vacuum packed and sent via carrier pigeon from Harry’s Bar, Venice). With the bitter taste of Russia’s finest still scorching my throat, I decided to try my luck at the card tables.

It won’t come as a surprise to you that I’m an exceptional table game player and regularly visit high class casinos. My private jet pilot ‘Mad’ Georgie Johnson was more than happy to fly us north to the Casino de Barcelona. Once I’d successfully avoided the paparazzi I took my usual place at my favourite five-card stud table in one of the private rooms. I was soon engaged in a protracted battle with this rather strange-looking lady with bleached blonde hair, outrageous clothing and high heels. After beating her for the seventh hand in succession she repeatedly whispered to me: “I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me.”

I politely told her to move on and when she refused I had to ask the floor manager for the evening - Juan Tintodosnegro - to escort her from the premises. I’ll give her some credit, however, she left with dignity and kept her poker face the whole time.

Once she’d gone I cashed in my chips and took a stroll down to my favourite watch emporium, El Tiempo Es Dinero, and treated myself to the latest Rolex. It’s so heavy on my wrist that my forearm now resembles one of Beyonce’s thighs. Anyway, I digress. You’re here to make money and I’d like to hand you some on a silver platter. While I can’t literally do that, I can point you in the right direction of the stuff that buys you the best seats in the house.

Today’s tips are as follows –

BACK A sending off in the Leeds v Norwich fixture on Saturday.
These two sides both like to play football, which is lucky as they’re both professional football teams, but they also don’t mind a bit of what I call ‘agricultural’ stuff too, especially when the stakes are high. Both clubs are desperate for Premier League football next season, so expect the tackles to be late, high and ferocious, resulting in at least one sending-off.

BACK Blackpool to be relegated from the Premier League 2010/11
While I never take any pleasure in people’s misfortune, watching Blackpool FC is like rubber-necking at a motorway pile-up. With a squad thinner than my bespoke cigarette papers, they’re a car crash that’s already happened and are nailed-on relegation certainties, despite not being in the bottom three as I write this. You’ll have to wait until May for your cash, but those strawberries will taste so much nicer with a decent glass of champers.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you’re betting on an in-running market, feel free to trade out at any point, depending on the size of your testicles and/or wallet. Odds are subject to fluctuation at all times and it’s up to you to decide what represents ‘value’.   

Good luck and happy punting.

Remember, a bird in the hand is only any use if she loves you and is prepared to put up with your gambling habit.
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HELLO, good afternoon and welcome to my blog. I’m an extremely lucky person. I nearly choked to death when I was born. The large diamond-encrusted platinum spoon in my mouth caused the gagging reflex to kick in and if it wasn’t for the quick actions of my nanny Henrietta (who later died in a bizarre golfing accident God rest her soul) I wouldn’t be here imparting my knowledge and wisdom to you all.

Let me tell you a little about myself while the butler pours me another hot glass of mulled champagne. As my mother and father’s very first gift to me was a Fisher Price Currency Forging Set you could say that I was born to make money.

I’ve never had to do a day’s work in my life, as my wit, wisdom and charisma have always proved more than enough to keep me in a modest, fully central-heated mediaeval castle in southern Spain.

My biggest fault, however, is my generosity, which is what brings me here. I’d like everyone to enjoy the same comfortable and extravagant, some would say pompous, lifestyle as myself.

Ever since Betfair began I’ve made countless amounts of cash through successful market manipulation, lightening the wallets of all lesser punters who like nothing better than to throw their cash in my direction. Feeling rather guilty about all this I thought I’d pass on my knowledge and inside information so anyone following this blog can live out their dreams.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you fast cars, the finest caviar and butlers who don’t answer back. So, readers, let’s make some money today shall we?

Being an out-and-out toff, I’m fascinated by the machinations of the working classes and the sports they enjoy. While few things match the thrill of razzing about on the Atlantic in a speedboat with an exotic lady, followed by a gentle game of croquet and a fresh plate of Beluga, I’m obsessed with punting on sports such as snooker, darts, football, rugby and tennis. The reasons for this are many and varied.

Admittedly, there are a handful of footballers around the world who earn as much as I do. I’ll give them their dues, they’re at the top of their profession. Fascinatingly though, the sport remains the preserve of the proletariat when it comes to watching and betting on matches – especially those played out with such verve and vigour on those awfully muddy pitches in the lower leagues. Darts, meanwhile, evokes memories of heraldic gatherings in the Middle Ages when a fellow’s reputation hinged on his accuracy and skill with a bow and arrow, but places it in a modern arena in front of the full glare of the television cameras. Snooker, on the other hand, is a cerebral challenge for gentlemen, rich in etiquette and tradition, played on beautiful hand-carved tables, requiring immense levels of concentration and will to win. Rugby, justifiably Britain’s second sport, is as close as you will get to witnessing a riot outside of Egypt and as thrilling as seeing the school bully go prematurely bald.

As for tennis, well, you can’t beat seeing a girl’s knickers every time she chucks the ball up.

Today’s tips are as follows –

LAY England to win the Six Nations. Despite getting off to a roaring start, England have yet to face either of the true championship contenders in France and Ireland. The men in white only scraped past a very poor Wales team, while Italy are rugby’s answer to Eddie The Eagle.

LAY Rangers to beat Sporting Lisbon at home on Thursday 17 February. While Rangers are strong at home, Sporting Lisbon, who compete in a much stronger domestic league, have an excellent away record and are as likely to give the ball away as the Coalition Government are to drastically reduce fuel charges.

BACK Under 3.5 goals in tonight’s Wigan v Bolton FA Cup match. Neither of these teams could score in a house of ill-repute and I’d be very surprised if this one turned out to be one of the all-time classic FA Cup games.

Good luck and happy punting.

Remember, cash in the attic is only any use if it’s your attic and the cash is legal tender.
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