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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 24,147 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report terry mccann June 29, 2018 9:07 PM BST
Was odd that though Annie as if I conjured you upLaughWink
Report annie. June 29, 2018 9:09 PM BST
I hadn't seen your reference to me when I posted on here, terry, so I think you did Happy
Report terry mccann June 29, 2018 9:14 PM BST
Fancy a trip to Bodmin Moor for a bit of offering you up to the Gods? know what I meanLaugh
Report terry mccann June 29, 2018 9:19 PM BST
Ok I admit it,its just an excuse for sexLaugh
Report annie. June 29, 2018 9:31 PM BST
Silly
Report terry mccann June 29, 2018 9:33 PM BST
At our age very Silly
Report annie. June 29, 2018 10:11 PM BST
Happy
Report terry mccann June 29, 2018 10:17 PM BST
Sad more like
Report bigmo June 30, 2018 7:51 AM BST
According to reports, doctors have found some blood in Maradona's cocaine system
Report bigmo June 30, 2018 7:51 AM BST
After doing her calculations Diane Abbott has confirmed Germany can still win the World Cup
Report bigmo June 30, 2018 7:52 AM BST
All my German friends have blocked me since Germany’s exit from the World Cup !

My phone is now completely Hans Free
Report bigmo June 30, 2018 7:52 AM BST
My wife called and said" I want to find you  naked when I get home from work"

I feel awkward sat here with her mother,
but hey a sh@gs a sh@g.
Report Mick Sturbs June 30, 2018 2:41 PM BST
Great stuff BigmoLaughLaugh
Got this from todays paper......Please carry a bottle of water with you at all times during the hot weather.
You can use it to beat yourself to death when the heat becomes too much
Report Aspro July 1, 2018 11:00 AM BST
My wife has just bought herself a Smart car.
It won't let her in.

I just bought myself a cheap Jack-In-The-Box to find it didn't work. No surprise there........................

Pulled this bird last night in the pub and invited her back to my place. I told her I was going to make love to her in the hallway, the kitchen, the living room and the bedroom.
She said "Wow you must be quite the athlete"......
Funny how she didn't seem quite so impressed once we got back to the caravan..

I must have an amazing butt.
Every time I walk away from someone I hear them whisper "What an arse"

"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

My wife is always so angry at me for having no sense of direction So I packed up my stuff and right...

My neighbours have been making sex porn videos.......but I haven't told them yet !!!!
Report bigmo July 1, 2018 2:50 PM BST
A fat woman walked into the shoe store today. She was so fat,she had three smaller women orbiting around her.

Al Bundy.
Report bigmo July 1, 2018 2:50 PM BST
The only genuine person on the front bench of the Labour party is Diane Abbott. All the rest of them know what's going on but lie through their teeth.
She's the only one that genuinely has no idea what's happening!
Report bigmo July 1, 2018 2:51 PM BST
“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary”
Report bigmo July 1, 2018 2:51 PM BST
Annoy the woman at the airport checking desk when they ask “window or isle”

by replying “window or you’ll what?”
Report irishone July 1, 2018 6:34 PM BST
Turned up for a football match with set of hooped shirts. Referee asked manager what colour s have you got ? Manager, replied well we have one set with red and white hoops and another set with white and red hoops. He then said "your opponents are wearing white and black so go with the red and white hoops."
Report bigmo July 2, 2018 4:09 PM BST
I wonder if when Marcel Marceau fills official forms out if he always ticks the 'Prefer not to say' box.
Report bigmo July 2, 2018 4:09 PM BST
Adult supervision, what a farce!

I'm 48 years old and my vision is not getting any damn better.
Report bigmo July 2, 2018 4:09 PM BST
It was only after I died, went to Heaven and was greeted by a dog, that I realised I wasn't dyslexic.
Report bigmo July 2, 2018 4:19 PM BST
A bit of advice to the Uruguay World Cup team after their 3 - 0 win over Russia.... don't drink the tea or touch the door handles.
Report Aspro July 3, 2018 10:14 AM BST
Just back from the doctor he told me I have hypochondria.
I can’t believe it. Not on top of everything else.

I’ve just been to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this woman stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me!

I’ve heard reincarnation is making a comeback.

There are 3 unwritten rules in life:

1.
2.
3.
Report bigmo July 4, 2018 2:41 PM BST
I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting pissed off.
It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?’
So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start again.
Report bigmo July 4, 2018 2:42 PM BST
My grandfather was on The Titanic.
And as far as I know, he still is.
Report bigmo July 4, 2018 2:42 PM BST
I have my reservations about Paradise City, if the first thing you brag about is the colour of the grass.
Report bigmo July 4, 2018 2:44 PM BST
The Colombians fly home tomorrow.

For another shootout.
Report bigmo July 5, 2018 3:38 PM BST
Spooky or what?:

Andy Murray didn't play Wimbledon in 1966...

Andy Murray isn't playing Wimbledon in 2018...

It's coming home!...
Report bigmo July 5, 2018 3:38 PM BST
Due to the water shortage in Ireland, Dublin Swimming Baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
Report bigmo July 5, 2018 3:39 PM BST
Neymar's girlfriend blew him a kiss as he left their hotel room this morning.
Luckily nothing was broken in the fall.
Report bigmo July 5, 2018 3:39 PM BST
The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon is just a plate, thats just to remind them what they should be doing instead of playing tennis.
Report irishone July 5, 2018 10:15 PM BST
M y mates wife just had a knee replacement and shes been bollicking him since  , i said is she in agony ? He said "nagging me ? She aint stopped since she left hospital
Report bigmo July 6, 2018 3:01 PM BST
Subject: A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport



A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule" and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are 3 sides to every triangle.'" When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Report bigmo July 6, 2018 3:02 PM BST
The last time England beat Sweden was when Stan Collymore dated Ulrika Jonsson
Report bigmo July 6, 2018 3:02 PM BST
Once upon a time there were three Native American ladies.Two of them slept with their fellers on rabbit skins and the other one cuddled up with her man on a hippopotamus skin.

Around nine months later the two with the rabbit skins each gave birth to one child but the gal using a hippopotamus produced twins.

Which only goes to prove that "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides".
Report bigmo July 6, 2018 3:03 PM BST
My grandfather was on The Titanic.
And as far as I know, he still is.
Report geoff m July 6, 2018 4:43 PM BST
Bigmo :

Seeing he was 2 days ago its a fair bet he still is


bigmo 04 Jul 18 14:42 Joined: 23 Jul 03 | Topic/replies: 24,058 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My grandfather was on The Titanic.
And as far as I know, he still is.LaughLaughLaugh

Keep em coming Bigmo great work!!
Report bigmo July 6, 2018 6:21 PM BST
Thanks geoff.



As Neymar went down like a sack of potatoes and rolled around in agony the referee immediately approached Eden Hazard the Belgium captain and showed him the yellow card.

"For f*cks sake ref, " said Eden, "I only shook his hand, we haven't kicked off yet. "
Report bigmo July 7, 2018 12:03 PM BST
Britain should be divided into these two categories:

1) People who watch The X Factor, watch Love Island or read The Sun.

2) People who are allowed to vote
Report bigmo July 7, 2018 12:03 PM BST
Rescue teams in Thailand are afraid the boys and their coach trapped in the caves will run out of oxygen. On hearing this walkers crisps have helped out and sent them 30 bags of ready salted.
Report bigmo July 7, 2018 12:04 PM BST
I have my reservations about Paradise City, if the first thing you brag about is the colour of the grass.
Report bigmo July 7, 2018 12:05 PM BST
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Report bigmo July 7, 2018 6:05 PM BST
If I had a ten pound note for every gender...

I'd have twenty quid and a sh*tload of fake money.
Report Injera July 7, 2018 6:11 PM BST
The Stormy joke is genius. Damn well played sir!!!
Report HH Sultan Vinegar July 8, 2018 11:07 AM BST
Since getting sacked from my job I've started a dating site for chickens.

I've stopped it though as I was struggling to make hens meet.


---


My Yorkshire Mum just asked "Do you know the name of that Brazilian wazzock who keeps rolling around the floor?"

"Neymar" I answered.

"Never mind then, I'll ask someone else." she replied.
Report bigmo July 8, 2018 1:03 PM BST
After his performances at the World Cup, Neymar is the favourite to win the FIFA Fallon D'Floor!
Report bigmo July 8, 2018 1:03 PM BST
"Cougar kills mountain biker, injures friend"
You mess with these older women at your peril.
Report bigmo July 8, 2018 1:03 PM BST
Well I’m not saying your wife is promiscuous or dirty...

But, she’s flattened more grass than Neymar.
Report bigmo July 8, 2018 1:04 PM BST
The Romanians are doing well in the World Athletics Championships.
They`ve taken the gold,silver,bronze.lead,copper,zinc and anything else they can lay their f*cking hands on
Report bigmo July 9, 2018 7:16 PM BST
For anyone having doubts about Brexit.

An anagram of Neymar is Remayn. Appropriate for losers who cry like b*tches.
Report bigmo July 9, 2018 7:17 PM BST
I went up to a girl in a club once and said, "Your face looks just like my @rse"
She said, "The cheek of it"
I said, "No, the actual ring piece"
Report bigmo July 9, 2018 7:17 PM BST
An alien spaceship landed and it's two occupants got out and spoke to the first human thy saw,

"Take us to your dealer, " they said to him,

"Haha, what's up boys? the universal translator on the blink? don't you mean leader? " said the human sarastically.

"Look son, " said one of the aliens, "we've landed in Liverpool, we know what we f*cking mean. "
Report bigmo July 9, 2018 7:18 PM BST
Paddy,s wife is involved in a bad car crash. In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy **** . The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compus mentus. Paddy says ",is she f*ck! Just third party fire and theft".
Report Injera July 9, 2018 7:39 PM BST
Laughstop itLaugh
Report workrider July 10, 2018 10:02 AM BST
LaughLaugh Paddy...
Report bigmo July 10, 2018 5:18 PM BST
Womens lonely hearts ads, and what they really mean;

Adventurous = Sl@g

Athletic = No t1ts

30 something = 50 odd

Fun = Annoying

Wild = Gets p1ssed easily

Beautiful eyes = Face like a robbers dog

Seeks knight in shining armour = Ex is a f*cking nutter

New age = Smelly with a hairy chuff

Headstrong = Argumentative

Enjoys pubbing and clubbing = Alcoholic

Curvy = Fat ****

Cuddly = Fat ****

Likes eating out = Greedy fat ****

Likes nights in = Lazy fat ****
Report bigmo July 10, 2018 5:19 PM BST
If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex ....... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
Report bigmo July 10, 2018 5:20 PM BST
The wife and I are inseparable.

Last night it took 6 policemen and some pepper spray to pull us apart.
Report bigmo July 10, 2018 5:25 PM BST
Diane Abbott has wished the England Football team good luck ahead of their semifinal tie against Novak Djokovic
Report bigmo July 11, 2018 1:10 PM BST
The last time I was this nervous over a semi was when I saw Brokeback Mountain.
Report bigmo July 11, 2018 1:11 PM BST
BREAKING NEWS

Thai rescuers on their way to Downing Street to help Theresa May get out of a massive hole
Report bigmo July 11, 2018 1:11 PM BST
Boris is going to be a hard act to follow. It's unlikely Theresa May will be able to find someone with that level of incompetence so quickly, Dianne Abbot is already spoken for.
Report bigmo July 11, 2018 1:13 PM BST
I hate the stereotype that all gamers are unhygienic and virgins.
Some of us are socially retarded too.
Report bigmo July 11, 2018 1:14 PM BST
On one hand we've got the sour-faced c0w Theresa May f*cking up the country, and on the other we've got the England team being the closest to a football world cup final since 1990.

So does anyone else find it rather fitting that an anagram of "a solemn bitch of gloom" is "football's coming home"?
Report bigmo July 12, 2018 12:57 PM BST
Seen a homeless tramp in town earlier
He said "have you any spare change?"
"F*ck off" I said
"If you've no change, then tell me a joke to cheer me up" he said
"Ok" I said "Knock, knock"
"Whos there" he replied
"Thought you didn't have a house?" I said.
Report bigmo July 12, 2018 12:58 PM BST
I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth,

but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
Report bigmo July 12, 2018 12:58 PM BST
I went to the hairdressers the other day. She asked me how I would like my hair cut and I replied, "In complete silence!"
Report bigmo July 13, 2018 11:16 AM BST
What do you call an Englishman holding the World Cup?
The engraver.
Report bigmo July 13, 2018 11:17 AM BST
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys"
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.

Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her "MIDNIGHT"... she didn't seem pineappled off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock”

When I asked her why, she said
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh s**t" Cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,

and then tripped over the coffee table and f@rted.
Report bigmo July 13, 2018 11:17 AM BST
While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,

at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast
Report bigmo July 13, 2018 11:18 AM BST
They've just put the bus fare up in Bradford to 100 rupees.
Report bigmo July 13, 2018 11:18 AM BST
I was at a restaurant last tonight and I thought I saw a family praying at the table.
It turned out they were only texting.
Report bigmo July 13, 2018 6:14 PM BST
You can Spot a Jewish house at Christmas by the parking meter on the roof.
Report bigmo July 13, 2018 6:14 PM BST
"Are you ready to drag me upstairs and give me a right good an@l bartering?" asked my wife.

"Get up there, " I said, "but I think you mean battering don't you?"

"I know what I mean, " she replied, "there are some very expensive shoes I have my eyes on. "
Report bigmo July 13, 2018 6:15 PM BST
Premature ejaculation....the biggest compliment a man can pay a women......& they f*cking moan about it.
Report bigmo July 14, 2018 10:40 AM BST
Bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed and there were no survivors.Each husband cried for a week,but one husband was still crying after 2 weeks.
When asked why he was still crying he replied miserably " My wife missed the f*cking bus."
Report bigmo July 14, 2018 10:40 AM BST
I've started working in PC World

Or London as it used to be called.
Report bigmo July 14, 2018 10:41 AM BST
A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."

" Hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."

The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese."

"I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that."

In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel."

"Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"

The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth."
Report bigmo July 14, 2018 10:44 AM BST
I was going to attend one of the 'anti-Trump' rallies earlier...

But then I remembered I have a job.
Report bigmo July 14, 2018 10:54 AM BST
World Cup 3rd place play off, what a f*cking waste of time.

As meaningless as voting liberal in a general election.
Report workrider July 14, 2018 11:29 AM BST
Brilliant as usual bigmo ....
Report bigmo July 15, 2018 3:04 PM BST
Thanks workrider.
Report bigmo July 15, 2018 3:04 PM BST
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Bill Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely f*ck-all.
Bill has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless...
Report bigmo July 15, 2018 3:05 PM BST
According to the Bible,Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, a country where names like Achmed,Mohammed,Abdul,Asif and Youssouf are commonplace.

Yet however he found friends called Matthew,Mark,Luke, John,Simon and Paul who all liked quaffing wine.
Report bigmo July 15, 2018 3:06 PM BST
“If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?”

“Your parents when you move out.”
Report moisok July 15, 2018 8:11 PM BST
big Mo 

the cuckoo who tripped over the table

I larfed out loud just this minute

BRILLIANT

all the best
Report bigmo July 16, 2018 12:19 PM BST
Great moisok Laugh
Report bigmo July 16, 2018 12:19 PM BST
A lesbian regained consciousness in hospital. She saw a doctor, a nurse and a young man by her bed.
"You're lucky to be alive," said the doctor. "Your car crashed in a blizzard, and this young man found you unconscious. He rang for an ambulance, but it couldn't get through the snow. So he carried you all the way here in the cold, and we found you needed a blood transfusion. Fortunately, his blood group is the same as yours, so he gave some of his. Then he phoned a garage and got your car picked up, and now it's fixed. So you'll be okay, and this nurse has driven your car here, so that's ready."
The lesbian said, "Thank you EVER so much." She reached up and hugged the nurse, then snarled at the young man, "Too much trouble for you to go and fetch my car, was it?"
Report bigmo July 16, 2018 12:20 PM BST
David Beckham gets into a taxi... "Heathrow Airport please driver" he says. After few minutes he spots the driver giving him a few looks in the rear view mirror. Driver says "come on mate, give us a clue...
"Beckham replies "Had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, played in Italy and America, and won over 100 caps for England....
"Driver says "No you thick ****, what terminal?".
Report bigmo July 16, 2018 12:20 PM BST
A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”, a tortoise in the back shouts ” you b@stard!”
Report bigmo July 17, 2018 3:22 PM BST
England the fourth best football team in the world.

Scotland the fourth best football team in the UK.
Report bigmo July 17, 2018 3:23 PM BST
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
Report bigmo July 17, 2018 3:26 PM BST
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive.
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake.
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green.
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the f*cker off.
Report bigmo July 17, 2018 3:26 PM BST
I tried to hire a hit man to get rid of the missus. He said "No problem, for five grand,one bullet just below her left t1t should suffice"

I replied "Bl00dy hell, I said I wanted her dead not f*cking kneecapping"
Report workrider July 17, 2018 5:34 PM BST
Simply stunning Bigmo, keep em coming...Laugh My daily stress buster...
Report bigmo July 18, 2018 9:44 AM BST
workrider.Happy


A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi bro?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
"He's okay boys. He's one of us."
Report bigmo July 18, 2018 9:45 AM BST
Sky sports bosses are apparently considering the future of Gary Neville as their main football pundit for the upcoming season as they aren't happy with his performance on itv's World Cup coverage.

They have conducted interviews in the last week with Gary's brother Phil the front runner, former Everton goalkeeper Neville Southall also in the running. They even interviewed Gary's sister Tracy.

But after all they decided to stick with Gary.

Sometimes it's better the Neville you know
Report bigmo July 18, 2018 9:45 AM BST
I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked,
"How would you like your eggs cooked."
"Does it affect the price?" I said.
"No, not at all." she replied.
"In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Report bigmo July 18, 2018 9:46 AM BST
I always enjoy watching a mime artist
In appreciation I like to throw invisible
money Into his collection bucket.
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