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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 23,621 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report bigmo March 27, 2018 7:08 PM BST
I was in a long queue in Tesco. When I finally got to the till the chubby assistant said, “Sorry about the wait.”

I said, “Have you tried going on a diet?”
Report bigmo March 27, 2018 7:08 PM BST
Got my test results back today - negative - phew.
What is IQ anyway?
Report bigmo March 28, 2018 11:49 AM BST
George Bush becomes very sick and dies. He goes to Hell where the Lucifer is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, i found what to do.So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”

George Bush thought that sounded enough good so he agreed.

The Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .”

The Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”
Report bigmo March 28, 2018 11:49 AM BST
Following the multiple deaths and injuries in the Russian shopping Mall, Theresa May has sent a message,
" top that, Putin, you **** !! "
Report bigmo March 28, 2018 11:50 AM BST
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Don't f*ck around, Buzz. Who the f*ck do you think it is?"
" Oh Sorry, Neil."
Report bigmo March 28, 2018 11:50 AM BST
In our house this morning it was all "Wayhey we don't have to go to school because it's snowing - we can stay at home and watch TV".

I wish my wife and her colleagues would take teaching more seriously.
Report terry mccann March 28, 2018 11:52 AM BST
yeah suck on that Georgie babyLaugh
Report FIGJAM March 28, 2018 12:18 PM BST
A little Irish bloke gets into a lift and looks up to see this HUGE black bloke standing next to him.
The big bloke sees the Irishman staring staring up at him.
He looks down and says" 7 foot tall 25 stone 12" p.nis,3 pounds of test.cles, Turner Brown."
The little Irish feller faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big bloke kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..... The big bloke says
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little bloke says"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big bloke replies " Well, I saw the curious look on your face and I figured I'd give you the answer
to the questions everybody always asks me.....
I'm 7 foot tall 25 stone, I have a 12" p.nis, my test.cles weigh 3 pounds and my name if Turner Brown."
The Irishman says  "Turner Brown?! Bloody hell I thought you said turn around!"
Report moisok March 28, 2018 1:05 PM BST
Monica you are free to go - brilliant Laugh
Report bigmo March 28, 2018 3:33 PM BST
FIGJAM Laugh
Report workrider March 28, 2018 7:37 PM BST
Laugh
Report bigmo April 1, 2018 3:27 PM BST
My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them."

She said, "The dirty little perverts."

I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building an hammock."
Report bigmo April 1, 2018 3:27 PM BST
I fingered my wife good and proper last night.

Phoned the police and told them she’d been shoplifting.
Report bigmo April 1, 2018 3:28 PM BST
I cut up this lorry at a roundabout this morning.

This fat **** winds his window down and says "Excuse me dear Sir. I thought it worth pointing out that highways etiquette dictates smaller vehicles give way to larger ones."

F*cking articulated lorry drivers!
Report bigmo April 2, 2018 6:24 PM BST
After hearing the song “Big girls don’t cry” the other day I can say it’s not true.

I’ve just seen an 18 stoner slip over on ice and yes “she cried”...
Report bigmo April 2, 2018 6:25 PM BST
The Mrs has left me because I'm too insecure....

No, wait she's back....

She was just making a cup of tea....
Report Aspro April 2, 2018 6:26 PM BST
Insecurity Laugh
Report bigmo April 3, 2018 5:34 PM BST
You can tell a lot about a person by the type of paper they buy.

...If a person buys the Guardian paper they’re liberal lefties.

...If a person buys the Mail paper they’re right wing reactionaries.

...If a person buys Sandpaper they’re Australian cricketers.
Report bigmo April 3, 2018 5:34 PM BST
Like Charles Dickens' other novels, "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally published in serial form, in this case in two local newspapers.
It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
Report bigmo April 3, 2018 5:34 PM BST
If you’re the one who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will make you pay.

You have my Word.
Report bigmo April 4, 2018 2:42 PM BST
The next station is Kew, where this train will germinate.
Report bigmo April 4, 2018 2:43 PM BST
As if it wasn't bad enough being Dyslexic, I've now developed chronic Earache.
It's a right pain in the @rse
Report bigmo April 4, 2018 2:43 PM BST
This is getting out of hand now.

Every morning since Monday, a German Shepherd has come to my garden and had a sh*t on the lawn.

Guess what happened today.

The cheeky tw@t brought his dog with him.
Report bigmo April 4, 2018 2:43 PM BST
Just chicken proofed my lawn
Its impeccable
Report bigmo April 5, 2018 3:23 PM BST
Haven't seen Liverpool fans this happy since their benefits went up....
Report bigmo April 5, 2018 3:24 PM BST
Youtube shooter identified as "angry bodybuilding female vegan animal rights activist of Iranian descent".

....nope, nothing to work with here.
Report bigmo April 5, 2018 3:24 PM BST
WIFES PRAYER

When I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong, one who's w1lly is thick and long.
One who'll scr*w me till my body's twitchin.
In the hall, garden, or kitchen.
I pray that this man will love me no-end, and never attempt to sh@g my best friend.
Then as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the w@nker you sent me instead.
Report bigmo April 5, 2018 3:25 PM BST
I came home from an auction today with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett, while my mate took home a signed photo of Ronnie Barker.

It was a good buy from me and a good buy from him.
Report bigmo April 5, 2018 8:33 PM BST
I haven't seen this many Australians crying on TV since Scott and Charlene got married
Report bigmo April 6, 2018 4:17 PM BST
Not seen a scouser this excited over 1 leg since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills.
Report bigmo April 6, 2018 4:17 PM BST
As I pointed the gun in my wife's face I said, "Any last words?"


Three hours later, I shot her.
Report bigmo April 6, 2018 4:18 PM BST
I have no idea how my wife died, your honour.

All I know is she was alive when I buried her.
Report bigmo April 6, 2018 4:18 PM BST
A sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked

"Is it Fosters or Stella?"

I replied "there's a tap underneath, taste it!"
Report FIGJAM April 6, 2018 6:21 PM BST
A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically and realistically.
Dad says "That's hard, but I have an idea,
ask mum if she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for £1 million?"
Mum said yes.
Dad says now ask your sister if she would?
Sister says yes.
Dad says go and ask your brother the same question.
The brother say yes.
"Well they're you go son,that's your answer,theoretically we're sitting on £3 million quid,
but realistically we're living with 2 sl.gs and a f.cking po.f.
Report bigmo April 7, 2018 1:38 PM BST
I met a girl in a club last night, after a few drinks she asked if I would like to go back to her place for sex, I didn't want to disappoint her, So I said "No".
Report bigmo April 7, 2018 1:39 PM BST
A policeman just pulled me over and asked, "Do you know what speed you were doing sir?"

I replied, "Yeah, the gear I bought from Leroy."
Report bigmo April 7, 2018 1:39 PM BST
Women's orgasms are like opinions.

Mine's more important and I don't care if she has one.
Report bigmo April 7, 2018 1:40 PM BST
A scientist has invented a bra that stops t1ts bobbing up and down and n1pples sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked his f*cking head in!
Report bigmo April 7, 2018 6:00 PM BST
Roman soldier walks into a bar.
"Give me a martinus," he demanded.
"You mean a martini?", replied the bartender.
"If I had wanted a double, I would have asked."
Report bigmo April 7, 2018 6:00 PM BST
She was a gorgeous student but hopeless at latin.
I asked her to conjugate but she declined.
Report bigmo April 7, 2018 6:00 PM BST
A wagon train went through the prairie and entered the foothills. They came upon a clearing where they found a previous wagon train, burned out, arrows in the wagons, no one alive.

The trail boss looked up and saw Indians all around. He thought SH*~. As he was pondering what to do he came upon a bottle and pulled out the cork and Yes, you guessed it - a Genie popped out!

The genie said "Not your day is it!. You can have only one wish but there is a catch. Whatever you wish for the Indians get two. So if you want a horse they get two. If you ask for rifles they get twice as many-get the idea".

The trail boss said " OK then in that case I'll have a glass eye"
Report Aspro April 7, 2018 11:12 PM BST
I think my best mate is having an affair with my wife . He's been a right miserable bastard lately!!
Report bigmo April 8, 2018 1:33 PM BST
My Girlfriend’s upset 'cos she lost her legs in a car crash.

How about me?

I bought her a pair of jeans for her birthday and can't find the receipt.
Report bigmo April 8, 2018 1:34 PM BST
After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.
When he's just about finished a beautiful blonde enters the bar and sits down next to him. They strike up a conversation over another round of drinks and she becomes progressively friendlier as the night goes on. One thing leads to another and she ends up inviting him back to her apartment.
Back at her place they end up sharing a kiss, which escalates and leads them back to her bedroom for several hours of carnal engagement. Next thing he knows, it's 4 in the morning. Jumping out of bed he asks the blonde if she has any baby powder, and she says to check the bathroom cabinet. He finds the baby powder, dusts his hands, and races home like a bat out of hell, only to find his wife waiting for him in the driveway with a rolling pin.
"You better have one hell of an explanation!" she screams.
"Well, you see honey," the man stammers, "I went to the pub for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer. As I was about to leave this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me back to her place..."
"Wait a minute," snapped his wife. "Show me your hands," she said suspiciously, noticing the whiteness of his fingers.
Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you ever try lying to me again, you rotten bastard... you've been out BOWLING again!"
Report bigmo April 8, 2018 1:35 PM BST
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.



At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."

And ‘poof’ she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he ask

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Report bigmo April 8, 2018 1:35 PM BST
My girlfriend is a stunner!

She works in an abattoir.
Report Aspro April 8, 2018 4:10 PM BST
A woman goes up to a car salesman and says "I'd like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window" The salesman replies "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window"

"you do now"
Report cyprusal April 8, 2018 4:45 PM BST
bloke gets pulled for drink driving,its  busy and hes put in a cell with a 6 ft 3 inch  18 stone hells angel.after a while the hells angel says he s bored and wants to play a game and as he likes the look of him he can choose what to play,we can either play doctors and nurses or mummies and daddies he says.mummies and daddies says the bloke,do you want to be mummy or daddy says the hells angel.the bloke now realizes he could be in a bit of trouble,he thinks about it and decides on what he thinks will be the less painfull choice.i will be daddy says the bloke,good decision says the hells angel,now come over here and suck on mummies ****
Report bigmo April 9, 2018 5:52 PM BST
According to the news, Elton John has put on so much weight recently, he is having to have his trousers specially made for him.

Time to say 'Goodbye normal jeans' then, Elton.
Report bigmo April 9, 2018 5:52 PM BST
The best advice I ever got from my dad was to never run away from my problems ................- To this day I still have that postcard!
Report bigmo April 9, 2018 5:53 PM BST
Dyslexics. Don’t misinterpret Wenger Out signs as an instruction
Report workrider April 9, 2018 10:29 PM BST
Laugh
Report SlippyBlue April 9, 2018 10:34 PM BST
Grand work as always bigmoLaugh I have to tell you I've pinched a few of your gags over the years mate!
Report sofiakenny April 9, 2018 11:53 PM BST
aspro..both superb.
Report bigmo April 10, 2018 5:00 PM BST
Cheers.Happy


Thousands of people have gathered outside Nelson Mandela house after the death of his wife..
Delboy and Rodney have told them all to f*ck off!
Report bigmo April 10, 2018 5:00 PM BST
Harry and Meghan are asking for charitable donations instead of wedding gifts.

Starting with £2m from the taxpayer.
Report bigmo April 10, 2018 5:01 PM BST
I told my mate when I had a job as a window cleaner I saw his wife taking a bath.

He said, “Hogwash!”

I said “C’mon mate she doesn’t look that bad”.
Report bigmo April 10, 2018 5:01 PM BST
Royal canine hospice care: providing love and compassion for your dogs final hours with utmost professionalism, and piece of mind to the client.available to collect your beloved animal day or night
Tel: 07876543243
email: kenwong@goldendragon.com
Report Aspro April 10, 2018 5:48 PM BST
Bill: Flobberdobberdobberdobber

Ben: Oh grow up will you!
Report ufcdan April 10, 2018 8:14 PM BST
Bill: Flobberdobberdobberdobber

Ben: Oh grow up will you!

       OR

Bill: Flobberdobberdobberdobber

Ben : Shut up you cxxt your p1ssed
Report bigmo April 10, 2018 9:27 PM BST
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born with just
a head, without torso, arms or legs.
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love
and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking
his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop!
A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent: then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Drink More!"The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop!
Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild.
The father, crying, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant
"Drink More! Drink More!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop!
Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and says a prayer.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left......then to
the right.....right through the front door into the street, where a
truck runs him over and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.


The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a
head."
Report lovegod April 11, 2018 8:35 AM BST
Bill: Flobberdobberdobberdobber

Ben: Oh grow up will you!

       OR

Bill: Flobberdobberdobberdobber

Ben : Shut up you cxxt your p1ssed

       OR

Bill: Flobberdobberdobberdobber

Ben: Oh grow up will you!

       OR

Bill: Flobberdobberdobberdobber

Ben : You'd swallow that if you loved me.
Report bigmo April 11, 2018 5:04 PM BST
Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will...I have no idea where S0d Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now!
Report bigmo April 11, 2018 5:04 PM BST
Today I was told that I'm a very sexy man. :)

By my cellmate. :(
Report bigmo April 11, 2018 5:04 PM BST
The Mary Celeste mystery's been solved.

Dawn French and Miranda were booked as the cabaret
Report bigmo April 11, 2018 5:05 PM BST
The medical term 'bowel' originates from the rhyming slang of Simon Cowell. Anatomists thought this was appropriate, as both exist solely for the purpose of producing frequent emissions of sh1t.
Report Roquebrune April 11, 2018 5:42 PM BST
Someone on Facebook called me an idle b@stard.

I almost replied.
Report bigmo April 12, 2018 5:58 PM BST
Did you hear about the dyslexic Muslim suicide bomber?
He turned up in heaven and was greeted by 72 vegans.
Report bigmo April 12, 2018 5:58 PM BST
Two Muslim men were savagely beaten in a racist attack.

Police say they have forty million white English suspects.
Report bigmo April 12, 2018 5:59 PM BST
Batman and Catwoman were going out on a date and were sitting in the batcave.
"Oh Batty," she gushes. "You really are the greatest of all the superheroes."
"Thank you," replies Batman.
"No really," she continues, "you're brave, strong and true. You're quick-witted and fair. Everyone is scared of you."
"Please..." he replies.
"And you're so hunky!" she giggles. "You look so good in your costume and I love your pointy ears. I'm the luckiest cat alive. Now... I'm going to call us a cab and we're going to have a great evening."
She gets her mobile out of her bag, but can't switch it on.
"Oh," she says. "Can you have a look - you're so good with gadgets."

"I'm afraid," he replies, "your phone will not work because of your bat flattery".
Report bigmo April 12, 2018 5:59 PM BST
My mum is Irish and my dad is Columbian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs
Report bigmo April 13, 2018 4:23 PM BST
Today I was told that I'm a very sexy man. :)

By my cellmate. :(
Report bigmo April 13, 2018 4:23 PM BST
My wife has left me because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression

But don't worry.......... I'll return
Report bigmo April 13, 2018 4:24 PM BST
It used to be you had to wait until someone spoke to tell if they are a c*nt, now you just wait for them to pull an IPhone out.





Sent from my Iphone
Report bigmo April 13, 2018 9:14 PM BST
It was 1066 and King Harold was talking to one of his generals. He asked, "How good are these chaps with spears"

The general got one to throw the spear at a passing deer and he killed it outright.
"Very good but the deer is a big target. What about the crossbow men?"

The general ordered a crossbow man to shoot at a pigeon in the trees. Down it came dead with the crossbow bolt right in the middle.

"Yes OK but the pigeon was sat still and an easy target" "What about the longbow men?"
The general picked out one particular man and waited until they saw rabbits scuttling about. Twang! The arrow fell to the ground under the bowman. He had another go and "perdoing" the bowman had the arrow in his hand and the bow on the floor.

King Harold pulled the general to one side and whispered in his ear

"Watch that b*gger, he'll have someone's eye out before the end of the day"
Report bigmo April 13, 2018 9:16 PM BST
To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists, maybe try the following, like I'm doing.

Here's what I'm doing to gain better understanding:

I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dead dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, or fixing things, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, then give them the "THUMBS UP" and tell them I like them...

...and it works!

I already have four people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist
Report bigmo April 14, 2018 3:15 PM BST
Cars without ignition keys are the future.

Pfftt.. They've had them for decades in Liverpool.
Report bigmo April 14, 2018 3:15 PM BST
Apparently scientists have discovered female hormones in beer....
In scientific tests on men, they observed that after ten pints they suddenly talked sh1te, were irrational and couldn't drive....
Report bigmo April 14, 2018 3:15 PM BST
If I was a ghost, I would open doors while people were masturbating.
Report ufcdan April 14, 2018 6:55 PM BST
My doors are already open moisok! How else are the neighbours going to be able to watch ExcitedCoolWink
Report bigmo April 15, 2018 1:47 PM BST
I propose a men day...why the f*ck not?
On this day having a cold one with the boys would be compulsory... Every f*cking sport in the world has to have a special match on this day... Sandwiches must be available in bulk and having a headache on this day would be punishable to death.
Report bigmo April 15, 2018 1:49 PM BST
A man really wants to win a sweepstake. He prays to god" lord please let me win this sweepstake the bills are mounting up I have less money coming in than before please lord let me win this sweepstake"

The day comes and f*ck all, the next weeks sweepstake is coming so the man again prays to god " lord please let me win this sweepstake the washing machine has broke the car has broke down and my clothes are becoming worn"

F*ck all. The next sweepstake is coming and again the man prays to god " lord please I'm desperate this time my wife is on the verge of leaving me and taking the kids I'm not going to have anywhere to live please lord I'm begging you let me win that sweepstake"

Then a thunder clap sounds the clouds part and a booming voice sounds from overhead " my child at least meet me halfway and buy a ticket"
Report bigmo April 15, 2018 1:50 PM BST
Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap and show them even plants think they’re wrong.
Report bigmo April 16, 2018 2:00 PM BST
Police pulled me over earlier.
He came up to my window and said.."Papers?"
I said "Scissors! I win!" and drove off.
Think he wants a rematch, he's been chasing me for the past 15 mins.
Report bigmo April 16, 2018 2:00 PM BST
As I sit here drinking Lambrini, watching a repeat of Jeremy Kyle on ITV2+1 at 5 in the morning, I notice something out of the corner of my eye,
It was my self respect and dignity running far, far away.
Report bigmo April 16, 2018 2:00 PM BST
Just imagine, for a moment, if there were no hypothetical situations.
Report bigmo April 16, 2018 7:53 PM BST
ISIS Awards Night

The 2018 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed.

Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.................
Report bigmo April 16, 2018 7:54 PM BST
Brilliant idea - gonna brew and market my own beer, and call it “Responsibly”. Advertising slogan will be a doddle: “Please drink Responsibly”.
Report bigmo April 16, 2018 7:54 PM BST
If you are the older twin, call your twin a few times a day and say, “when I was your age” and then describe what you did 7 minutes ago.
Report no-won-sun April 16, 2018 8:34 PM BST
^^^^Twins Brilliant bigmo
Report bigmo April 17, 2018 4:34 PM BST
no-won-sun Happy

Why don't they drink tea at Anfield?

Because all the cups are in Manchester
Report bigmo April 17, 2018 4:34 PM BST
What's the definition of irony?

Britain First sounding like an advertisement for any immigrant looking for a new country.
Report bigmo April 17, 2018 4:34 PM BST
In the police station: "I'm sorry sir, you shouldn't be beating your wife, it's so wrong. I mean, look at the weight advantage she has. "
Report bigmo April 17, 2018 4:35 PM BST
A queue waiting for a job on a building site.
The foreman at the desk shouts 'Next!' A man steps forwards.
'Name!' asks the foreman.
'Marks N Spencer' says the man.
'I've got no time for clowns' says the foreman. 'Clear off. Next!'
The next in line steps forward.
'Name!' again asks the foreman.
'W H Smith' says the man.
'I told you, no clowns! Next!'
Next in the queue steps forwards.
'Name!'
'T J Hughes!'
'I haven't got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!'
Next man steps forwards.
'Name!'
'Ken' says the man.
'Ah, that's better' says the foreman. 'Someone serious at last. What's your surname?'
And the man says 'Tuckyfriedchicken!'
Report bigmo April 17, 2018 7:28 PM BST
WARMING !!!!!

Iff you get a link called "free midget porn" don'te open it?!!~*

It is a birus wich deactivate you spellcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
warn al'l you vriends !!!
Report bigmo April 18, 2018 6:21 PM BST
What a wonderful day for going down to the Soviet embassy, knocking on the door and asking 'Is Len in?'

Ken Dod
Report bigmo April 18, 2018 6:21 PM BST
The oldest recorded British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons. What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?
Answer: A key.
Report bigmo April 18, 2018 6:21 PM BST
What do you make with epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad.
Report bigmo April 18, 2018 6:22 PM BST
I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me.
"Nothing" I slurred.
"Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?"
I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
Report ufcdan April 18, 2018 9:27 PM BST
I've started a new band up called 999 megabytes Cool

So far we haven't got a gig yet Sad
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