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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 23,311 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report bigmo December 27, 2017 8:04 PM GMT
Happy New Year everyone!!!

Think I may have premature congratulation.
Report bigmo December 27, 2017 8:05 PM GMT
Got the wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas.

It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
Report bigmo December 27, 2017 8:05 PM GMT
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?

Swarm.
Report bigmo December 28, 2017 5:33 AM GMT
My Mrs complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.

I'm wondering how the f*ck she got into the Batcave.
Report bigmo December 28, 2017 5:33 AM GMT
This morning a criminal broke into a local dog rescue center and released all the dogs.

The police say there're desperately looking for leads.
Report treetop December 28, 2017 9:51 AM GMT
Thanks bigmo,been needing cheering up,all the best to you
Report bigmo December 29, 2017 6:07 AM GMT
Thanks treetop. Hope things are better.Happy


Just had some people at my door trying to convince me that 'brown bread' was better than 'white bread'..

They were hovis witnesses.
Report bigmo December 29, 2017 6:08 AM GMT
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most *beautiful* girl who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you.”
“Great,” says the frog. “What’s the bad news?”
“....you’re going to meet her in a biology lecture....”
Report bigmo December 30, 2017 9:21 AM GMT
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.
Report bigmo December 30, 2017 9:21 AM GMT
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.
Report bigmo December 30, 2017 9:22 AM GMT
Welcome to PC World. Or Britain, as some people call it.
Report akabula December 30, 2017 11:10 PM GMT
From twitterland
Report bigmo December 31, 2017 6:53 AM GMT
Samantha had a lovely skirt,
with splits right up both sides,
and when she shimmied down the street,
the boys could see her thighs.

Samantha had another skirt,
with splits right up the front,
but she wasn't wearing that one today.
Report bigmo December 31, 2017 6:53 AM GMT
My Dad used to say "The sky's the limit".

Which is probably why he got fired from N.A.S.A.
Report bigmo January 1, 2018 6:03 AM GMT
When I was younger I took the entrance exam for Medical School One of the questions was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is best examined when erect? Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes.
Report bigmo January 1, 2018 6:03 AM GMT
I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.
Haven't had any bids so far but 12 people watching.
Report bigmo January 1, 2018 5:08 PM GMT
I remember 2017 like it was yesterday.
Report bigmo January 1, 2018 5:10 PM GMT
Pierre the French fella meets a lady at the nightclub. They get on famously.

Few drinks, a dance or two later they end up back at Pierre's place.
Pierre puts on the music, lights the candles. The lady is taken in by Pierres amorous advances and his thick French accent.

As things get heated Old Pierre moves in for the kiss. Breathless ,the lass is poised.
'Wait, wait' says Pierre. He dips his finger in her white wine and gently rubs it on her lips.

'Oooh, Whats your game' She cries.
'What. I am Pierre, ze french fighter plot. When I kiss the woman I kiss ze woman with white wine...'
Ah. Ok she thinks

Bit later, he has her top off on the sofa. As he moves seductively in he stops.
'Wait. Wait.'

He dips his finger in his red wine and gently rubs it on her n*pples.
She bucks. What are you doing now?!?

'Patience my Darling, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot. When I kiss ze womans bre@st I kiss ze womans bre@st with red wine!


She simpers, she's warming to this now.

As things progress and things get even more amorous Pierre has her trousers off. At the kinking of her hips and the body language old Pierre knows it's time. With her hand hands on the back of his head she starts to guide him when 'Wait! Wait!'
By now she's getting the idea.
'Oooohhh Pierrreee.....' she growls.

He grabs a bottle of brandy and pours it all over her.
The lady is writhing by now in anticipation.

Pierre grabs a match and PHHHOOOOM! theres flames everywhere!

She screams at him! You mad bast*rd! What are you doing!?

He shrugs.

I am Pierre. Ze French Fighter Pilot. When I go down, I go down in flames.
Report bigmo January 2, 2018 5:53 AM GMT
I can't believe how many chocolates I've gotten this Christmas season !

I still have 40 more doors to open on my Diane Abbott advent calendar.
Report bigmo January 2, 2018 5:53 AM GMT
My New Year resolution.

1600 x 1200
Report bigmo January 2, 2018 5:54 AM GMT
THE QUEEN. When about to present Nick Clegg with his Knighthood, tell him at the last minute that you've changed your mind. See how he f*cking likes it.
Report johnizere January 2, 2018 9:08 AM GMT
Pierre Laugh
Report FIGJAM January 2, 2018 10:54 AM GMT
My wife just stopped and said "You wern't even listening were you?"
I thought "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation"

I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said "Go go on try"
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said
"Come on what day was I born?"
"Yesterday" I replied

Struggling to get your wife's attention?
Just sit down and look comfortable.


Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Murphy says"It's awfully quiet on deck tonight"
Paddy says "Everyone will be watching the band"
Murphy days "There isn't a band playing tonight"

Paddy says "I definitely heard some f.cker say .... "A band on ship"

Tip:- Eating two strips of bacon reduces your chances of being a suicide bomber by 100%
Report AFTERTHOUGHT January 2, 2018 1:22 PM GMT
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a **** she would appreciate it if I warned her when I'm about to ****...

Do you think that I should phone her, or is a text acceptable?
Report twizzle22 January 2, 2018 3:23 PM GMT
A friend of mine was a massive fan of Dusty Springfield.He collected all her memorabilia,Magazines,T-shirts,records etc.He used to keep them all on a shelf in his bedroom.When she died in 1999 he was absolutely devastated.He couldn't stand the pain so  decided to get rid of everything he owned by Dusty and had a total clear out.Years have gone by and all he is left with to remind him of Dusty is the empty shelf in his bedroom and now " he just doesn't know what do with his shelf".
Report moisok January 2, 2018 4:49 PM GMT
As a big fan of The Springfields and Dusty, I have taken a fence and reported you Twizzle.
You will be consigned to the vast reaches of the ether. Along with your little friend.
That'll learn 'yer. Ha.!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBjwh5OqH4w
Report twizzle22 January 2, 2018 7:46 PM GMT
WinkLaugh
Report bigmo January 3, 2018 5:52 AM GMT
My missus reckons she's "staying dry in January"

Fat chance with a hunk like me knocking round the house!
Report bigmo January 3, 2018 5:53 AM GMT
I entered what I ate over the past few day into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Report bigmo January 4, 2018 6:35 AM GMT
Trump’s childish boasts of his whatsits being bigger!
Reminds me of junior school bragging of “Who’s daddy was taller”?
Comparisons eventually led to high-rise buildings
Johnny….Well my daddy is as tall as the Empire State Building!
Tommy….Did he feel something cold on his head?
Johnny….Yes! (thinking he meant a low hanging cloud)
Tommy….That was my daddy's bol**cks! …….Boom! Boom!
Report bigmo January 4, 2018 6:35 AM GMT
I'm taking up scuba diving on the cheap.

Instead of using a cylinder I'll be using a bag of Walker's crisps - there's enough air in it to stay submerged for 2 hours...
Report bigmo January 4, 2018 6:36 AM GMT
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove past'
'Looks like the Andersons have visitors,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skateboard!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'
Report bigmo January 5, 2018 7:56 AM GMT
My wife has put that much weight on recently she qualifies for an American passport.
Report bigmo January 5, 2018 7:56 AM GMT
I have one of those devices fitted that allows me to reverse park perfectly every time. It's called "Male Genitalia"
Report bigmo January 5, 2018 3:33 PM GMT
GENTLEMEN who are not well-endowed. Take a tip from chocolate manufacturers and describe your p*enis as 'fun size' to make it more appealing.
Report bigmo January 5, 2018 3:37 PM GMT
A warm stream of p*ss makes an excellent lightsabre for slaying snowmen who have fallen to the dark side.
Report bigmo January 5, 2018 3:42 PM GMT
WHEN ROY WOOD wrote 'I wish it could be Christmas Every Day' I bet the beaded c*nt wasn't driving around Tesco's car park for half an hour on Christmas Eve,trying to find a f*cking space.
Report bigmo January 6, 2018 8:13 AM GMT
The Importance of Accuracy in your Tax Return.

HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, Do you have anyone dependent on you? The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 600+ idiots in Parliament and the entire European Commission".
The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
Report bigmo January 6, 2018 8:13 AM GMT
Today sees the launch of a new safe sex campaign in Wales. Farmers are to paint an 'X' on the backs of all sheep who bite or kick.
Report bigmo January 6, 2018 8:14 AM GMT
I saw an advert today that sums up my goal in life.

Drink Canada Dry.
Report FIGJAM January 6, 2018 12:05 PM GMT
Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.
The judge asks "Why do you keep beating her?"
Paddy replies "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior foot work."
Report bigmo January 7, 2018 8:43 AM GMT
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned.
Report bigmo January 7, 2018 8:43 AM GMT
I lost my virginity when I was 17. I found it again when I got married.
Report bigmo January 7, 2018 8:44 AM GMT
Breaking news: Rocco Siffredi latest actor to be accused of sexually inappropriate behaviour.
Report moisok January 7, 2018 4:39 PM GMT
did you ever see him in the boxing ring?
Report bigmo January 8, 2018 5:24 AM GMT
Not that I'm aware of.Shocked



I don't see the point of celebrating Christmas if you're not a Christian.

It's a bit like having a man-bun and wearing skinny jeans when you're not even g@y.
Report bigmo January 8, 2018 5:24 AM GMT
Skinflint Dave gets a taxi to take him and his date home.
She's so beautiful...... He can barely keep his eyes on the meter!!
Report bigmo January 8, 2018 5:24 AM GMT
Two's company, three's a crowd.

So stop f*cking making up genders.
Report moisok January 8, 2018 3:05 PM GMT
bigmo   rocco was in a boxing ring with a 'lady'   being cheered on by the crowd

but he didn't lay a glove on her

such a gentleman 

but it sure wasn't the boxing I was used to    oooooops!!!!!!!!!!!Cool
Report s.kenbo January 8, 2018 7:56 PM GMT
Bigmo. LaughLaugh

Figjam. LaughLaugh
Report bigmo January 9, 2018 5:54 AM GMT
I was in an American school library recently, going through a few magazines.

Then my f*cking rifle jammed.
Report bigmo January 9, 2018 5:54 AM GMT
The wife said my c*ck reminded her of a supermarket.

I said "because it's well stocked and supplies your every need?"

She replied "No because its Lidl"
Report bigmo January 10, 2018 7:46 AM GMT
I went out and had ten pints of yogurt last night.

I was well Muller’d.
Report bigmo January 10, 2018 7:47 AM GMT
Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.
Report wit-ham January 10, 2018 8:41 PM GMT
I met a man with a didgeridoo and he was
playing Dancing Queen on it

I thought that;s ABBA-riginal
Report bigmo January 11, 2018 7:53 AM GMT
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either!
Report bigmo January 11, 2018 7:54 AM GMT
The seven qualities to be the perfect girlfriend are...

Beautiful
Intelligent
Gentle
Thoughtful
Innocent
Trustworthy and
Sensible
Report bigmo January 12, 2018 6:19 AM GMT
What’s six inches long, has a big purple head on it and sends women crazy?

A twenty pound note.
Report bigmo January 12, 2018 6:19 AM GMT
I hate being bipolar, it’s amazing.
Report bigmo January 12, 2018 7:29 PM GMT
How's my New Years resolution going so far?

Well allow me to explain.

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
Ext
Extr
Extra l
Extra la
Extra lar
Extra larg
Extra large
Extra large d
Extra large do
Extra large don
Extra large done
Extra large doner kebab
Report bigmo January 13, 2018 5:30 AM GMT
I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.

"You dozy f*cking tw@t" I shouted, through gritted teeth.
Report bigmo January 13, 2018 5:30 AM GMT
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

Or is it one of Granny's myths?
Report bigmo January 13, 2018 5:31 PM GMT
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"



The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"



The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."
Report bigmo January 13, 2018 5:32 PM GMT
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”


“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.


He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”


The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.


Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."


The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.


The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.


"What seems to be the problem, sir?"


"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"


The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
Report bigmo January 13, 2018 5:32 PM GMT
NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
Report bigmo January 13, 2018 5:32 PM GMT
So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
Report bigmo January 14, 2018 5:23 AM GMT
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
Report bigmo January 14, 2018 5:24 AM GMT
At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.

So he gave me a cushion to sit on.
Report bigmo January 14, 2018 5:24 AM GMT
Does anyone else find it odd that there's only one Monopolies Commission?
Report FIGJAM January 14, 2018 3:44 PM GMT
A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his upholstered pistol and yelled
"I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine with one in the chamber and
I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back called out "You need more ammo!"
Report bigmo January 14, 2018 4:20 PM GMT
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied,
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”
Report bigmo January 15, 2018 6:37 AM GMT
I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.
The wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about the time you threatened to leave."
Report bigmo January 15, 2018 6:38 AM GMT
Norwich City trophy room has been broken into and all the contents have been stolen.

Police are looking for a man with a green and yellow carpet.
Report bigmo January 15, 2018 6:40 AM GMT
Way to Pub: ↑
Way Home: ↷ ↴ → ↪ ↺ ↲ ↑ ↯ ↓ ↩ ↱ ↶ ↵
Report treetop January 15, 2018 7:21 PM GMT
Man goes up to a shapely blonde at a bus stop and says, I bet you a fiver I can tell you the day of your birth just by feeling your boobs. Intrigued she eventually gave in to let him feel her boobs for a couple of minutes before pulling down her blouse and demanding he settles the bet by saying what day she was born and he replied......er,yesterday ?
Report bigmo January 16, 2018 8:48 AM GMT
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Report bigmo January 16, 2018 8:48 AM GMT
I dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles.

I never caught it but at least it gave me a good run for my money.
Report bigmo January 16, 2018 8:49 AM GMT
Round my area there's lots of "strong independent women" who "don't need no man" but rely entirely on the state for food, shelter and medicine.
Report Munter 69 January 16, 2018 3:44 PM GMT
In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer: throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."

I said "Sorry mate, did he drown?"

"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."
Report Munter 69 January 16, 2018 3:44 PM GMT
In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer: throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."

I said "Sorry mate, did he drown?"

"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."
Report bigmo January 17, 2018 6:12 AM GMT
If electricity follows the path of least resistance...

Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
Report bigmo January 17, 2018 6:12 AM GMT
"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
Report pumphol. January 17, 2018 12:51 PM GMT
A great Jewish joke that is obviously better told than written

Sadie is walking down the road & spots old friend Hettie.

" Hettie you look wonderful what have you had done? "

"Oh Iv'e had all the treatment, body tuck, , face lift, liposuction, botox, etc etc"

Well you look wonderful, were there any side effects to the treatment ?"

"Well there was a little bit of body hair "

"What underneath your arms ? "


"No around my B0ll0cks "
Report bigmo January 18, 2018 5:34 AM GMT
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
Report bigmo January 18, 2018 5:34 AM GMT
I love fat girls.

No matter where you grab them, it feels like t1ts.
Report bigmo January 18, 2018 5:34 AM GMT
The only thing flat-earthers fear …....

is sphere itself.
Report bodil January 19, 2018 1:02 AM GMT
One of my exs, who isn't English, sends me (too many) random posts from off the internet. Her grasp of the language is sometimes hair-raisingly inappropriate. The latest was a list of jokes to offend everyone (that was the title). Before I start, where do the banned/damned go? I have no addresses. Though I guess I could live without you all.  Happily even. For ever.
Report bodil January 19, 2018 1:11 AM GMT
An  Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus," the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment..”
Report bodil January 19, 2018 1:16 AM GMT
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
Report bodil January 19, 2018 1:18 AM GMT
I came out of the chip shop with a meat&potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two  days.”
I told him, “I wish I had your will power!”
Report bodil January 19, 2018 1:28 AM GMT
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the  bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?”
I said “No, you're still black”.

Can't be long now ....  Don't make me do the 'apple a day/bacon sandwich' monstrosity, release me from servitude ....
Report bigmo January 19, 2018 5:35 AM GMT
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.


I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”


He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”


Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,


“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”


“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bstard.”
Report bigmo January 19, 2018 5:36 AM GMT
Nearly sh@gged a Ladyboy last night.

Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Wait a minute…”
Report bigmo January 19, 2018 5:36 AM GMT
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
Report bigmo January 19, 2018 10:49 AM GMT
I pulled my 3-year-old grandson to playschool in his sledge this morning.

After finally arriving there twenty minutes later I realised that he was no longer sitting in it.

So I quickly turned the car around and drove the same route back.
Report SlippyBlue January 19, 2018 12:46 PM GMT
Great stuff bigmo, I just had to pinch the "you need more ammo" gag Laugh
Report FIGJAM January 19, 2018 3:51 PM GMT
Oy Slippy credit where credit is dueCry
Report SlippyBlue January 19, 2018 6:05 PM GMT
Woops, FIGJAM sorry about that dear chap! If it's any consolation your gag has got 5 Laugh on my fb page already Grin
Report bigmo January 20, 2018 7:22 AM GMT
A bad workman always blames his fools…

Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard…
Report bigmo January 20, 2018 7:22 AM GMT
I've run out of anything funny to say.

This is what it must feel like to be Michael Mcintyre
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