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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 24,966 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report steerforth November 22, 2018 9:14 AM GMT
Sorry Aspro- did you think that was sarcasm? It absolutely wasn't. The jab was not at you, who has come on here and posted a string of genuinely funny lines. Unlike others (or rather one significant other) who does post good stuff yet seems totally devoid of an ability to leave out the weak, the contrived and the sheer crass. Anyway, I will now do as you suggested.
Report Aspro November 22, 2018 10:53 AM GMT
Apology accepted steerforth, although not really required as it appears I completely misread what you wrote. I think I should be one to apologise. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

...you can come back now Grin
Report bigmo November 22, 2018 1:30 PM GMT
Harry Redknapp should know what it's like putting his hand into a box full of cobwebs and spiders...
...He did it for years in the Spurs trophy cabinet.
Report bigmo November 22, 2018 1:30 PM GMT
When someone says, "you are the last person on my list I would want to hurt", there are two things to consider.

They already have a list, and you are on it.
Report bigmo November 22, 2018 1:30 PM GMT
Sad to hear that the inventor of motorway breaks has died. He will be remembered at a number of services across the country
Report bigmo November 22, 2018 1:31 PM GMT
Apparently they’re making a remake of the Never Ending Story.

It starts with a Man asking a Woman how her day was.
Report treetop November 22, 2018 5:18 PM GMT
Keep up the good work bigmo,never fails to make me smile,this thread.
Report workrider November 22, 2018 8:07 PM GMT
Yes Bigmo I always look forward to this page, keep up the good work...
Report bigmo November 23, 2018 7:02 PM GMT
Thanks both.Happy



Well, that's another day passed and I still haven't used Algebra.
Report bigmo November 23, 2018 7:02 PM GMT
I understand that JK Rowling is working on a new book about Harry Potter...
...I haven't seen anyone milk a small wizard as much since Debbie McGee
Report bigmo November 23, 2018 7:02 PM GMT
There's a brilliant programme on Channel 4 tonight about doggy-style sex. If you miss it, you can watch it on all 4s.
Report bigmo November 23, 2018 7:03 PM GMT
I'll never forget how furious my father was with me the day he caught me cross dressing.

I had the last laugh though when I got on that lifeboat.
Report bigmo November 24, 2018 2:29 PM GMT
I don't keep grudges, my dad kept grudges

I always hated him for that .
Report bigmo November 24, 2018 2:30 PM GMT
Does anybody know where Bruce Springsteen was born?
Report bigmo November 24, 2018 2:30 PM GMT
A vegan girl just posted a picture of a cow on Facebook, she'd written underneath, "How do you eat these poor, defenceless animals.."

I replied, "I can't speak for everyone, but personally, I like mine with, mixed veg, tatties and gravy..."
Report bigmo November 24, 2018 2:30 PM GMT
My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."
Report bigmo November 25, 2018 2:50 PM GMT
Me and my girlfriend were talking names for our baby, she said, "I want something original!"

I said, "How about Werthers?"
Report bigmo November 25, 2018 2:50 PM GMT
"Damn, this is going to get ugly," I thought.

As my wife removed her makeup.
Report bigmo November 25, 2018 2:51 PM GMT
Adele has contracted that flesh eating virus.

Doctors have given her only two decades to live.
Report bigmo November 25, 2018 2:51 PM GMT
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.

She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
Report bigmo November 26, 2018 4:08 PM GMT
If i had 50p for every maths test i failed, i'd now have £2.30
Report bigmo November 26, 2018 4:09 PM GMT
Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks
Report bigmo November 26, 2018 4:09 PM GMT
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Muffikin
Muffikin who?
Muffikin fingers are trapped in the door.
Report Aspro November 27, 2018 10:10 AM GMT
What's pink and hard in the morning?

The FT crossword
Report bigmo November 27, 2018 6:37 PM GMT
90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.
Report bigmo November 27, 2018 6:37 PM GMT
I've just been given a six months suspension from football.

I caught an opponent with a tackle which actually broke both his legs.

I'll admit the tackle was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.
Report bigmo November 27, 2018 6:38 PM GMT
My English teacher said " Your grammar is sh1t."
I replied " Your granddad is a ****."
Report bigmo November 27, 2018 6:38 PM GMT
An Englishman in Birmingham has been arrested today for impersonating a taxi driver.
Report bigmo November 27, 2018 6:39 PM GMT
Does anybody know the name of that 80s sitcom about a former Red Sox player that owns/runs a bar in Boston?

Cheers
Report bigmo November 28, 2018 5:51 PM GMT
First Xmas Joke......

3 men die on Xmas eve. To get into Heaven, St. Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas.

The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says "It's a candle". St. Peter lets him in.

Taffy takes his keys and shakes them and says "They're the sleigh bells", so St. Peter lets him in.

Paddy pulls out a g-string and a bra. St. Peter says "How do those represent Xmas?" Paddy says "They're Carols".
Report bigmo November 28, 2018 5:51 PM GMT
I was at a retirement do today and the boss was speaking about John from catering. John is seemingly a bit slow on the uptake but was always smiling and happy in his role The big boss said "for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs...?

JOHN: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in..."
Report bigmo November 28, 2018 5:52 PM GMT
If it wasn't for Tim Berners-Lee me and the wife would probably still have sex occasionally.
Report bigmo November 28, 2018 5:52 PM GMT
A Scottish couple took in a 22 year old female student as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire on account of the cold.
"Monday would be the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains, so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, when the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the bl00dy darts team hadn't!"
Report bigmo November 29, 2018 4:20 PM GMT
Christmas  is coming so be careful on the roads as quite a lot of guys will be having  a few drinks and letting their wives drive.
Report bigmo November 29, 2018 4:21 PM GMT
Thought of the day............How do deaf people hear their own thoughts?
Report bigmo November 29, 2018 4:21 PM GMT
Me : I want to divorce my wife.
Lawyer : On what grounds?
Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.
Lawyer : Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?
Me : No, she's looking for me.
Report bigmo November 29, 2018 4:21 PM GMT
My wife came into the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of red fishnet stockings,

She looked like two bags of onions.
Report bigmo November 30, 2018 7:02 PM GMT
Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come.

And then I wait for the next bus.
Report bigmo November 30, 2018 7:02 PM GMT
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Report bigmo November 30, 2018 7:02 PM GMT
PENSIONERS: Be careful in the travel agents. 18-30 holidays are not the bedtimes.
Report crystalhunt November 30, 2018 10:16 PM GMT
Bigmo - I know you don't write your own jokes but isn't it time you got your own TV show - if McIntyre can do it, or is there some reason holding you back. The old fashioned comedians ie: Manning, Roper, Mickie Finn etc could live for years off this thread.Laugh
Report bigmo December 1, 2018 11:27 AM GMT
Stand up must be one of the hardest jobs to do and not for me. I'm happy to keep grabbing them and sharing here for others to hopefully enjoy.

There's so much carp going on in the world today that it's nice to have a very non PC corner. I'm sure most people don't take it too seriously.
Report bigmo December 1, 2018 11:28 AM GMT
From this hotel window in Grimsby...all I can see is the harbour area...trawlers...the fish-dock and market...Oh!...and a fish - finger processing plant!...still it's a birds-eye view!
Report bigmo December 1, 2018 11:28 AM GMT
“Socratic irony” Asked a friend
“Do you know what it means?”

I had to pretend my ignorance.
“No mate what is it?”

The irony was lost on him.
Report bigmo December 1, 2018 11:28 AM GMT
October is Eczema Awareness Month so I'm raising money by selling scratch cards.
Report EricShunn December 1, 2018 9:54 PM GMT
Simply the best thread ever. Keep up the most excellent work Bigmo you bring smiles to many people.
Report moisok December 1, 2018 10:06 PM GMT
No he is slipping - I only laughed out loud 4 times this week.   Poor showing.
He is straying on to other freds two.  He kneads putting in his plaice.
Report bigmo December 2, 2018 11:33 AM GMT
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give a man a pen and he'll probably draw a c0ck and balls.
Report bigmo December 2, 2018 11:33 AM GMT
I went to Specsavers and said, "I think I need new glasses, these are blurry."

The optician replied, "If you're going to clean them with your handkerchief, do it before you blow your nose."
Report bigmo December 2, 2018 11:33 AM GMT
Old McDonald built up debt's


io  io   u
Report bigmo December 2, 2018 11:34 AM GMT
I told myself that I should stop drinking, but why should I listen to some daft tw@t who talks to himself?
Report steerforth December 2, 2018 3:27 PM GMT
"Simply the best thread ever. Keep up the most excellent work Bigmo you bring smiles to many people."
Then he posts one about smearing snot over a pair of glasses. As I've said before - absolutely zero quality control. Its just a blind cut and paste. Does he EVER stop and think - 'hang on that just pathetically unfunny'? Wake up or grow up!!
Report boxingthefox December 2, 2018 6:16 PM GMT
I just downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody movie the quality is crap I can only see a little sil........
Report bigmo December 2, 2018 6:18 PM GMT
Now you've had you little public flounce on the forum,I'm sure you feel so much better. I'm not in the slightest bit interested in what you think and never will be. Remember you don't run the forum or choose what should be posted.
Report boxingthefox December 2, 2018 6:23 PM GMT
Hey bigmo, best fred on here ever!!!
Report Jack Hacksaw December 2, 2018 7:04 PM GMT
Can we make this a ****-free zone.

Keep going Bigmo.
Report Jack Hacksaw December 2, 2018 7:05 PM GMT
t0sser
Report FatherMaguire December 2, 2018 7:07 PM GMT
Steerforth, why dont you just leave this thread and never come back - you offer nothing - at least when you're on here, try to post a joke. Not one person is interested in your opinions on the quality of jokes - others like some, and might not go for others, and you know what they do, they remember the ones they like and ignore the rest

anyway, while I'm here

I've got a friend on holiday in North Korea, I asked him how it was and he said he couldn't complain

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog he's adopted?

One day you're the best thing since sliced bread, the next, you're toast
Report David Icke December 2, 2018 8:20 PM GMT
Steerforth give us a gag you moaning ****.
Report treetop December 3, 2018 7:50 PM GMT
Great thread,as always bigmo.
Report Shanelee1966 December 3, 2018 9:10 PM GMT
Nothing hurts a troll more than being ignored.
Report EricShunn December 3, 2018 10:30 PM GMT
I bought a dog from the local blacksmith.
As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
Report steerforth December 3, 2018 10:37 PM GMT
Ok - 36 hours gone by and nothing new from the main man. That makes me sad and maybe I went OTT with the criticism. I've become the most hated person on here, and thats fair enough. But please believe me when I say that ALL I was appealing for was a little bit of self discipline. Bigmo - from your years of doing this I'm certain that you know the difference between something that works and something that is just plain bad and I just hated that lately you were creeping into a habit that was letting down your own standards. The majority of what you put up here is really good - in fact I cut and paste your stuff and keep my own list to use the best when the time's right. And I totally get that what I find funny is not always what someone else does and vice versa. There is no objective test of what's funny and what isn't. (and the non PC is often very funny- as you said yourself - not to be taken seriously). But I'm also pretty sure that the one I took a shot at is so far off  that its a bit disappointing that no-one came on here and just said-  "fair point". Not surprising though - you're revered, and rightly so. Your record is there to be seen. I regret the tone but I really do hope you get my meaning. You're better than that. But like everyone else I surely have the right to express a view, it wasn't meant to be preachy.
I'd post a gag to prove I'm not actually a miserable tw*t - but probably not the right time. (That's discretion, as is my withdrawal from this conversation).
Report Knight Commander December 3, 2018 11:30 PM GMT
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault.
The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Report Shanelee1966 December 4, 2018 7:46 AM GMT
I was walking down a road in Liverpool, i started to cough and wheeze, cleared my throat of phlegm.
Fellow walking opposite me said not bad mate how are you.
Report Shanelee1966 December 4, 2018 7:49 AM GMT
A man walks down the street and sees a sign outside of a restaurant advertising that the chef will prepare anything no matter how unusual it might be.
The man walks inside and tells the waiter, “I want a big steaming plate of ****.”
The waiter replies, “I”m sorry sir, we can”t do that, that”s impossible.”
The man reminds him about what the sign out front said.
The waiter sighs and says says he will go and talk to the chef.
The waiter goes back to the kitchen and explains the man”s odd request.
The chef agrees and he and the waiter drop their trousers and **** on a plate.
The waiter takes the plate out to the man.
Five minutes later, the waiter returns to the kitchen covered from head to toe in ****.
The chef asks, “What the hell just happened?”
The waiter replies, “He said there was a hair in it!”
Report Mick Sturbs December 4, 2018 1:48 PM GMT
Steerforth"  Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.

Excellent thread Bigmo and keep posting mate
Report bigmo December 4, 2018 6:18 PM GMT
Ok steerforth. I'll take on board your points.
Report bigmo December 4, 2018 6:18 PM GMT
The keyboard player in our band committed suicide after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.

The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure.
Report bigmo December 4, 2018 6:19 PM GMT
I took a group of Hunchbacks to the movies last night.

They were on the edge of their seats.
Report bigmo December 4, 2018 6:19 PM GMT
I took my girlfriend to see Take That for her birthday, about half an hour in they announced, "Next, we're going to do, A million love songs.."

I thought, don't be a tw@t Barlow, the last train's at ten o'Clock.
Report sageform December 4, 2018 7:38 PM GMT
A young lady who had led a very sheltered life got married. On the next morning she woke feeling rather pleased with herself and turned back the sheet to admire her new husband and then let out a scream. What's the matter said her husband? We've used up half of it already came the reply.
Report bigmo December 5, 2018 2:51 PM GMT
Nelson at Trafalgar 2011

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir"

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco"

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments"

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle"

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead"

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water"

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please"

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir"

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected"

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy"

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral"

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd"

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled"

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons"

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy"

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral"

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks"

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not"

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation"

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report"

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King"

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment"

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir"

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy"
Report bigmo December 5, 2018 2:51 PM GMT
WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
Report bigmo December 5, 2018 2:52 PM GMT
My 9-year-old told me his teacher said I'm a bad parent.

"Right," I said. "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with the ****."
Report bigmo December 6, 2018 5:31 PM GMT
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor.

"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your p*nis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my Ms Anna Pashlova

"Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.
"No" says the doctor,
"She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't weee in your face
Report bigmo December 6, 2018 5:31 PM GMT
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

Should have put it on aloha setting.
Report bigmo December 6, 2018 5:32 PM GMT
A man is walking along the pavement dragging his leg behind him when he notices another man walking towards him dragging his leg aswell. As the 2 men pass each other one man points at his leg indicating an old war wound and says "Vietnam 30 years back" the 2nd man points down at his and replies "Dog sh*t, 30 yards back".
Report bigmo December 6, 2018 5:32 PM GMT
Do twins ever realise that one of them was unplanned?
Report crystalhunt December 6, 2018 7:09 PM GMT
If you had to pick between a wonderful wife or a top of the range car, what would you chose


Petrol or Diesel.
Report boxingthefox December 6, 2018 7:29 PM GMT
LaughLaughLaugh Hunter.
Report bigmo December 7, 2018 10:47 AM GMT
Bono has announce a break from U2 and hopefully a full retirement from the music industry .

He says he has been planning this for some time and looking forward to being able to spend more time with his ego.
Report bigmo December 7, 2018 10:47 AM GMT
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators; and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?
Report bigmo December 7, 2018 10:48 AM GMT
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Report bigmo December 7, 2018 10:48 AM GMT
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning!"
Report bigmo December 7, 2018 10:49 AM GMT
I went out with Tina Turner back in the day. We never had a lot of sex, to be honest, and restricted it to..a grope of a testicle, a stroke of a m1nge and a feel of a bre@st.
We called it Nut Bush T1tt1e Limit.
Report workrider December 7, 2018 11:28 AM GMT
Laugh
Report bigmo December 8, 2018 10:09 AM GMT
Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son".

Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a ***** between my legs, not a f*cking photocopier".
Report bigmo December 8, 2018 10:10 AM GMT
A Well-Argued Court Case...


The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning.

This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds.

A good case for reference - Lawyers!!!

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them one of them turned to the other and remarked, “I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s Lawyer addressed the court as follows: “Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.

The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your honour," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him.

We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady’s lawyer answered, "Your honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.
Report bigmo December 8, 2018 10:10 AM GMT
Tyson Fury's made so much money from boxing and has just upgraded his home to the point of showing off.

He's installed a third Calor Gas bottle outside.
Report bigmo December 8, 2018 10:10 AM GMT
Hark the hairlipped angels sing .

Gwowy thwew the thwnewborn thning
Report bigmo December 8, 2018 6:08 PM GMT
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
– Demetri Martin



"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets ... then it hit me"
- Stewart Francis



Ronnie Corbett: "Do you think marriage is a lottery?"
Ronnie Barker: "No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance."
- The Two Ronnies



"I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody; it was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be; it's been dead two weeks.' I said, 'Not only that,' I said. I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?' I said, 'Forget the chicken; give me a lobster. And he brought me this lobster. I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said, 'Well he's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well bring me the winner.'"
- Tommy Cooper
Report bigmo December 8, 2018 6:11 PM GMT
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to re-phrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Report lybertyne December 8, 2018 10:19 PM GMT
Why do black people make rubbish soldiers?









Because every time someone shouts 'GET DOWN!' they automatically jump up and start dancing.
Report bigmo December 9, 2018 1:32 PM GMT
Me thinks the U.K should have a vote to decide whether to legalise cannabis.
A lot of people love ganja .

Maybe it be called a reeferendum.
Report bigmo December 9, 2018 1:32 PM GMT
I will not mess up this omelette!
I will not mess up this omelette!
I will not mess up this omelette!
I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!!
Report bigmo December 9, 2018 1:33 PM GMT
was at home with my wife earlier when she decided to go in the bedroom to pleasure herself.

I watched her grunt, scream and gasp until she reached the point of satisfaction.

Finally, the fat *** made it upstairs.
Report bigmo December 9, 2018 1:33 PM GMT
How many Aussie men does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a woman's bl00dy job!
Report crystalhunt December 9, 2018 6:33 PM GMT
Good deed done today. This afternoon at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all of her change and she only had just under £10 I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
Report treetop December 9, 2018 6:37 PM GMT
Nice one crystal.
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