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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 24,521 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report bigmo September 4, 2018 5:36 PM BST
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Report bigmo September 4, 2018 5:36 PM BST
Sports presenter on Pakistani TV .

"If you do not wish to know next week’s Cricket results, look away now".
Report twizzle22 September 4, 2018 7:16 PM BST
A few beauties there bigmoLaugh
Report workrider September 4, 2018 10:28 PM BST
Sports presenter....LaughLaugh
Report starship September 5, 2018 9:23 AM BST
save the crackers for christmas scissors ffs

that did make me laugh
Report bigmo September 5, 2018 9:10 PM BST
My wife just told me sex is even better when on holiday. not the kind of postcard I was expecting
Report bigmo September 5, 2018 9:11 PM BST
To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?
Report bigmo September 5, 2018 9:11 PM BST
I Just vaped so hard they elected a new pope.Shocked
Report bigmo September 5, 2018 9:12 PM BST
Judge - Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?

Me - No.

Judge - (covers microphone and whispers) What do I do now?
Report Jack Hacksaw September 6, 2018 11:18 AM BST
Fourteen year old Billy gets up at 3 a.m. to go to the toilet.  He walks past his parent's bedroom and, because the door is ajar, sees his Dad doing his Mum doggy-style.
His Dad spots him, gives him a grin and a wink and carries on rogering Mum.

A couple of nights later Dad gets up in the night and walks past Grannie's door, which is open.  He gets the shock
of his life to see Billy banging Grannie!  'WTF, Billy'! he screams.

Billy replies, 'Not so f'kin' funny when it's your Mum is it?'
Report bigmo September 6, 2018 1:34 PM BST
A bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"

I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she's at work."
Report bigmo September 6, 2018 1:34 PM BST
Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today.
The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic.
Report bigmo September 6, 2018 1:34 PM BST
I have a pal who is 6 ft11, and his wife is only 3 ft 6.

A decade married, and he's still nuts over her.
Report bigmo September 7, 2018 12:52 PM BST
The managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic. Paramedics say he could have done with another coat.
Report bigmo September 7, 2018 12:52 PM BST
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Report bigmo September 7, 2018 12:52 PM BST
I was asked if I knew the difference between Sunni and Shi’a ?
I do not know which is which but they definitely sang ‘I got you babe’ !
Report bigmo September 7, 2018 12:53 PM BST
I was trying to explain reincarnation to the wife yesterday .
I said "some people especially in eastern cultures, believe that when you die you come back to earth as another kind of animal ".
She replied "so I could say, come back as a pig ?"
I said "No, you're not listening again are you?"
Report Emitdeb September 7, 2018 1:39 PM BST
A Sir Les Patterson Joke....


A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.

The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.

But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.

Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.

He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
Report bigmo September 8, 2018 1:17 PM BST
Seagulls are truly the Chavs of the air.

They breed uncontrollably, steal anything they can get a hold of, mess up your car when you leave it parked, skwawk aggressively at you while you're just going about your business, and for some ridiculous reason you can get into a lot of trouble if you shoot a few in the street.
Report bigmo September 8, 2018 1:17 PM BST
Anyone who says, "Love is more important than money" has clearly never tried paying off a loan shark with a cuddle...
Report bigmo September 8, 2018 1:18 PM BST
I'm disgusted by people who poach rare animals.

They taste much better grilled.
Report bigmo September 8, 2018 1:18 PM BST
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

12

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
Report bigmo September 8, 2018 1:46 PM BST
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT **** SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Report FIGJAM September 8, 2018 2:20 PM BST
Sent from my PADDY'S LAST WILL -
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The f*cker had a window cleaning round."
Report bigmo September 9, 2018 2:29 PM BST
A Caithness woman lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, she surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: "Mum! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Inverness .

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asked: "Why e black underwear?"

She replied: "Ma breasts ye can fondle, ma body is yers to explore, but doon ere am still in mourning.
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's we is ... a black condom?"

"Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences."
Report bigmo September 9, 2018 2:29 PM BST
The Labour Party.

For the many, not the Jew.
Report bigmo September 9, 2018 2:29 PM BST
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then??

When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he???

After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended MorganParkHigh School.

"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.

"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a b1tch asked, "What did you teach?
Report bigmo September 9, 2018 2:30 PM BST
When we moved to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales, I thought I'd take my son along to give the local football team some support.

That was until some tw@t started shouting.. "Give us an L ..."
Report bigmo September 9, 2018 2:30 PM BST
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse.'

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog
Report Injera September 9, 2018 5:34 PM BST
Window cleaning round Laugh Superb bigmo!
Report bigmo September 10, 2018 5:46 PM BST
Thanks but credit to FIGJAM.
Report bigmo September 10, 2018 5:46 PM BST
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket"
"How long have you felt like this?"
"Ever since I was Lidl"
Report bigmo September 10, 2018 5:46 PM BST
FIRST TIME FLUFFY HAS BEEN HONEST.

Fluffy walked into a branch of RBS to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Fluffy: "Well I didnt bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Mundell, the Secretary of State for Scotland!!!

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."

Fluffy: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier: "I am sorry Secretary of State, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Fluffy: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps theres another way: One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without ID.To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomerie and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.

So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Secretary of State for Scotland?"

Mundell stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Secretary of State?"
Report bigmo September 10, 2018 5:46 PM BST
My wife said, "You never see things from my point of view."

I said, "What the f*ck are you talking about? Only yesterday I looked out the kitchen window."
Report bigmo September 10, 2018 5:48 PM BST
Polly went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned £20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Polly, they just wanted to see your panties!"
Polly replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
Report bigmo September 10, 2018 5:49 PM BST
Good Advice Military Style

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

"When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
Report bigmo September 11, 2018 3:09 PM BST
Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . . POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!" "Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?" "Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!" Then POOF! She was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the **** willows." Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!
Report bigmo September 11, 2018 3:09 PM BST
Good Advice Military Style

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
Report bigmo September 11, 2018 3:10 PM BST
I had a traditional English Sunday morning breakfast today.

Three quarters of a pint of flat Stella and a half eaten cold chicken tikka masala.
Report terry mccann September 11, 2018 6:35 PM BST
Baby Penguin walks into a bar and asks the Barman
"Has my dad been in today"? Barman thinks about it and says
"What does he look like"?

cue laughter
Report FIGJAM September 13, 2018 2:51 PM BST
Ho Chow calls into work and say"Hey, I no come to wok today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt,I no come work"
The Boss says "You know something Ho Chow? I really need you today,when I feel sick
like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work, try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again " I do what you say and I feel great,
I be at work soon......
You got nice house"
Report bigmo September 13, 2018 4:47 PM BST
Good Advice Military Style

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!"

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
Report bigmo September 13, 2018 4:47 PM BST
Gunfights in the wild west could have been avoided if they had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Report bigmo September 13, 2018 4:48 PM BST
A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
Report bigmo September 13, 2018 4:49 PM BST
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neck line, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the @rse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.
Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.
Report bigmo September 13, 2018 4:49 PM BST
A bit of a do in the bar last night I saw an Asian man walk into a bar and he starts drinking a beer. A white man sees him and asks “Do you know karate or Kung fu? Anything like that?”
The Asian man looks somewhat offended “Is it because I’m Asian?”
The man replies: “No, it’s because you’re drinking my f*cking beer”
Report bigmo September 14, 2018 10:31 AM BST
Good Advice Military Style

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Report bigmo September 14, 2018 10:31 AM BST
If Theresa May does Boris Johnson’s divorce, he’ll end up with a huge settlement and still be married afterwards
Report bigmo September 14, 2018 10:31 AM BST
My wife was going through her wardrobe, she said "look at this, it still fits me after 25 years" I said "it's a f*cking scarf"
Report bigmo September 14, 2018 10:32 AM BST
I spotted a geezer on the bus wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like."

Fair enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair.
Report starship September 15, 2018 11:19 AM BST
went to tesco to get six cans of sprite but i ended up picking seven up
Report bigmo September 15, 2018 1:27 PM BST
Getting p*ssed off with people taking the p*ss over my dyslexia

it’s not f@nny or clover
Report bigmo September 15, 2018 1:27 PM BST
Mick is driving along the road and spots Paddy walking along. He stops and winds down the window, “Paddy, would you like a lift?"

“No thanks, Mick. No need ..... I live in a bungalow.”
Report bigmo September 15, 2018 1:27 PM BST
Just seen a flat-chested female football fan wearing a top that read ‘BRAZIL’

A somewhat superfluous statement, I thought.
Report bigmo September 15, 2018 1:28 PM BST
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb...
Report bigmo September 15, 2018 1:31 PM BST
Dianne Abbott was visiting Northern Ireland and
was asked what she thought of County Down .

She replied "I preferred it with Carol Vorderman".
Report moisok September 15, 2018 1:32 PM BST
That is an awfully clever one - but as the cleverist won on hear I no the answer.  BUT I AIN'T TELLING YER!!!DevilDevil
Report moisok September 15, 2018 1:33 PM BST
to the blonde and lawyer joke^^
Report moisok September 15, 2018 1:34 PM BST
I wonder how many know the answer to the question in the lawyer blonde joke?? he he
Report bigmo September 16, 2018 12:04 PM BST
Now on sale in IKEA beds for lesbians no nuts or screwing just tongue and groove
Report bigmo September 16, 2018 12:04 PM BST
Just booked a table for me and the wife for our anniversary.

bound to end in tears though she's crap at snooker.
Report bigmo September 16, 2018 12:04 PM BST
Police attending an incident in Liverpool returned to their car to find it up on bricks.
Officers are working tyrelessly to find the culprit.
Report bigmo September 16, 2018 12:05 PM BST
Rudyard Kipling may be accused of being a racist but he did write some exceedingly good poems.
Report FIGJAM September 17, 2018 6:06 PM BST
Mary has got married the fourth time to George.
On their wedding night she says"Hold on a moment George I'm a virgin"
He replies "Hold on, how can you be a virgin if you've been married three times?"
She said "Well the first one was a gynecologist he only wanted to look at it.
The second one was a psychiatrist he only wanted to talk about it.
The third one was a stamp collector..........."
Report bigmo September 17, 2018 6:08 PM BST
It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church. wife waiting at altar. Walked up the aisle. Kissed her on the cheek, smiled and closed the f*cking lid.
Report bigmo September 17, 2018 6:08 PM BST
My neighbour just shouted at her kids so loud I turned my TV off and sat at my table for dinner.
Report bigmo September 17, 2018 6:09 PM BST
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlya s tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Report bigmo September 18, 2018 3:24 PM BST
I got cornered by this big bloke with a knife in Lewisham, London,

"You don't want to do this to me, " I said to him, "I'm not from around here, I'm American. "

"So f*cking what, " he replied, "wallet, watch and phone now. "

So I shot him.
Report bigmo September 18, 2018 3:25 PM BST
If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, butter and cheese.

Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.
Report bigmo September 18, 2018 3:25 PM BST
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. –Anonymous

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. –Unknown

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret
Report bigmo September 18, 2018 3:26 PM BST
On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat, sweaty old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”
Report workrider September 18, 2018 10:42 PM BST
Laugh
Report bigmo September 19, 2018 6:51 PM BST
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Report bigmo September 19, 2018 6:54 PM BST
I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it'd be a piece of cake.
Report bigmo September 19, 2018 6:54 PM BST
Me to Ryanair cabinet attendant on decompressed flight FR7312 from Dublin

"THERE'S NO OXYGEN IN THE OXYGEN MASK!!!!"

Cabin Attendant: "it's coin operated"
Report bigmo September 19, 2018 6:55 PM BST
Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.

But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to f*cking death with fishing stories.
Report workrider September 20, 2018 9:19 AM BST
Brilliant Bigmo....LaughLaugh
Report bigmo September 20, 2018 5:24 PM BST
workrider.Happy
Report bigmo September 20, 2018 5:25 PM BST
Paddy phoned the hairdresser and said, "I would like to book a haircut but I need to know if your salon is upstairs or downstairs". The hairdresser said, "why do you need to know that?" Paddy replied "Murphy told me if you get your hair cut down below it makes your kn0b look bigger"
Report bigmo September 20, 2018 5:25 PM BST
People call me Mr Compromise. Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.
Report bigmo September 20, 2018 5:26 PM BST
My Gran broke her leg in 3 places today.

Landing, stairs and hallway.
Report Lucky Luciano September 21, 2018 9:28 AM BST
Corker of a thread Laugh
Report bigmo September 21, 2018 3:20 PM BST
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,"What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". She said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.... A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet, when you look at their droppings, a deer's poop is like little pellets, while a cow produces a flat patty, and a horse's looks more like clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
Report bigmo September 21, 2018 3:21 PM BST
Two Irishmen in a pub.
One says "Paddy, tomorrow oim going to be circumcised"
The other replies "Oi had dat done when oi was tree months old Seamus"
Seamus asks "Did it hurt then Paddy?"
Paddy replies "All oi know Seamus, is dat it was twelve months before oi could feckin walk"
Report bigmo September 21, 2018 3:21 PM BST
Security.

Because you weren't quite a big enough **** to be a copper.
Report bigmo September 22, 2018 10:47 AM BST
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Report bigmo September 22, 2018 10:47 AM BST
A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on”

God said “Say no more” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together

God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again”

God answered “It is done” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat…
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!
Report bigmo September 22, 2018 10:48 AM BST
Sorry messed that up.Cry


Is Sex Work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Report bigmo September 22, 2018 10:48 AM BST
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes" replied "Will you hold my hand?"
Report workrider September 22, 2018 11:34 AM BST
Hold my hand....LaughLaugh
Report bigmo September 23, 2018 12:55 PM BST
A Welshman is on his driving test.
The examiner says, "Can you make a u-turn?"
“Make it turn,” asks the Welshman, “I can make its eyes water.”
Report bigmo September 23, 2018 12:55 PM BST
A bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.
There I was, minding my own business then, "Bosch"
Report bigmo September 23, 2018 12:56 PM BST
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? ..................BP
Report FIGJAM September 23, 2018 1:05 PM BST
YouGov polled 2,000 women and asked if they would sleep with Boris Johnson.
3% said no - the other 97% said never again.
Report bigmo September 24, 2018 5:20 PM BST
If I was a Plastic Surgeon I would 100% put a squeaky toy in each bre@st transplant
Report bigmo September 24, 2018 5:21 PM BST
If a pig loses its voice does it become disgruntled?
Report bigmo September 24, 2018 5:21 PM BST
A husband and wife were building up to making love. Suddenly the dog interrupted them and ate their condom. Horrified, the husband called the local vet for advice.

"I'm sorry to bother you so late," said the man, "but our dog has just eaten a condom. Can you help please?".
The vet replies, "Well this is unusual. I think I better come out to see you. Meanwhile, keep the dog still, and make sure it doesn't wag it's tail."

The grateful husband gives the vet their address and they end the call.

A few minutes later, the vet's telephone rings again.

"Hi there, it's the chap from earlier with the dog who swallowed our condom. I'm pleased to say it's a false alarm. We've found another one in the drawer."
Report bigmo September 24, 2018 5:22 PM BST
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body.....then I was born
Report bigmo September 24, 2018 5:27 PM BST
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £5000. Tux rental-£100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Report Injera September 24, 2018 5:30 PM BST
Brilliant and so true!!
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