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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 25,320 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report bigmo January 17, 2019 11:49 AM GMT
It was Dave's wedding day and he was stood at the altar with the biggest grin ever. His best man looks at him and whispers, "I know it's your wedding day and you're happy mate, but is there any other reason for such a massive smile?" He quietly replies "If I'm honest, yeah. About three hours ago, my future wife gave me the best bl0wjob I've ever had!".

Right next to him was his future wife who also had an enormous ear to ear smile. Her maid of honour asks her the same question to which she happily replies, "Yes, about three hours ago, I sucked off Dave for what will be the very last time!".
Report bigmo January 17, 2019 11:50 AM GMT
Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.
Report bigmo January 17, 2019 11:51 AM GMT
I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,
I’m not sure what to make of it.
Report bigmo January 18, 2019 1:11 PM GMT
It's been years since my wife wanted sex, but today all she's said is "Why don't we go upstairs?" and, "I'm going to make you sweat today".

I've got a horrible suspicion she's had self-assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered.
Report bigmo January 18, 2019 1:12 PM GMT
As my wife lay in a coma the doctor approached me and said,

"Music is a great healer, bring your wife's favourite music in and it could bring her out of it quite quickly. "

So I bought some Morrissey albums in, should be good for ten years now.
Report bigmo January 18, 2019 1:13 PM GMT
A friend was asking me, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me? And it blames everything wrong with its life on me?"

And I said, "What do you mean, 'If'?"
Report bigmo January 18, 2019 1:13 PM GMT
Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions
Report bigmo January 18, 2019 8:15 PM GMT
Copied and pasted from Guido Fawkes

Viewers may have detected a slight edge to the Question Time exchanges last night between Isabel Oakeshott and Diane Abbott. The awkwardness began earlier in the evening on the train to Derby when they found themselves sat next to each other in First Class. Diane was, according to Guido’s source in the carriage, not amused to find herself sat next to the ‘Bad Girl of Brexit’. Small talk was limited on the journey.
When they arrived at Derby station, Diane somehow managed to drop her money on the floor. She struggled to pick up the money, which given Diane’s generous size she was finding difficult to retrieve from under the table and chairs. Since the train would soon be pulling out of the station, Isabel helped pick up the coins, lest Question Time’s other guest should miss her station. Handing the cash back to Diane, Isabel quipped “I’m tempted to make a political point about Labour’s recklessness with money.” The other First Class passengers laughed.
Report bigmo January 19, 2019 11:08 AM GMT
My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.
Report bigmo January 19, 2019 11:09 AM GMT
Hello, darkness my old friend...

What are you doing here so soon, it’s 16:00 in the afternoon.
Report bigmo January 19, 2019 11:12 AM GMT
A Swedish woman, two Swedish men, and another Swedish woman walk into ABBA.
Report bigmo January 19, 2019 11:14 AM GMT
Ryanair is proposing a 'fat tax' for obese customers. I think this is a great idea and I'd do it like this.

A bit like the hand luggage size test, have a chair with arms at the check-in that passengers have to sit in. When they get up if the chair is still stuck to their @rse they pay the tax.

The rest of the queue behind them can all cheer and clap and shout "Pay up, you fat ****!" making the normally dreary check-in experience a more light-hearted affair.
Report FIGJAM January 19, 2019 12:49 PM GMT
Do guys ever say "No, I have a girlfriend"

If someone offers you money,do you say "No,I have a salary"
Report FIGJAM January 19, 2019 12:54 PM GMT
Shag

Funny word isn't it?

To a carpet maker, it's a long pile rug...
To a smoker,it's a type of tobacco...
To an American ,it's a dance...
To an ornithologist, it's a bird....
And to you..ya ugly bars.rd, it's just a remote possibility...
Report FIGJAM January 19, 2019 12:57 PM GMT
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me..He asked "Your money or your life?"
I told him I was married , so I have no money or life.
We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....
Report FIGJAM January 19, 2019 1:09 PM GMT
A bloke is giving a lecture at a university on the paranormal.
He says" How many people believe in ghosts?"
About 60 hands go up.
"How many of you have seen a ghost?"
About 15 hands go up.
"How many of you have spoken to a ghost?"
3 hands go up.
"How many of you have had sex with a ghost?"
One hand goes up,Abdul right at the back.
The bloke asks him to come to the front and says" Ive been doing this for 25 years
and you're are the first person who has claimed to have sex with a ghost.
Abdul says " Sorry, I couldn't hear at the back, I thought you said goat"
Report irishone January 19, 2019 10:20 PM GMT
I don't know if this ranks as a joke, because its actually a true story.

Barmaid reads facebook from behind bar in rural Ireland hotel.
Texts dad and says that its come up on her facebook that T V license detector van with inspector is in the area.

Dad says fine. (from now on he's called Paddy Tommy)
Paddy tommy is at home watching T V
Knock on the door.
Paddy tommy realises it might be tv license inspector so sneaks a peak out through curtains.
License inspector knocks again...no anwser.
License Inspector knocks again and shouts "Hello, you may as well come out I saw curtains move so please come to the door"
Paddy Tommy opens door.
T V L I says "inspecting T V Licenses you dont appear to have one but you have a T V"
Paddy Tommy says "I am not the owner I'm just here doing some work on the house"
T V L I says " Ah come on who is the landlord ? "
Paddy Tommy "I am just a contractor working for a company fixing upsome bits in the house"

T V L I says "listen I have heard this all before , where are yer tools then ?"
Paddy Tommy says in my van over there , pointing and goes over to van , opens door and a dog jumps out .
T V L I says " have you got a license for that dog ? "
Paddy Tommy says " No sir I never let him drive the van "
Report bigmo January 20, 2019 10:52 AM GMT
Theresa May - The kind of negotiator to come out of DFS with a full priced sofa.

Seen online
Report bigmo January 20, 2019 10:53 AM GMT
University: just the same as being unemployed.

But your parents are proud of you.
Report bigmo January 20, 2019 10:53 AM GMT
Just seen an advert in my local paper

MATHS TEACHER NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I rang them up and said "The answer is
- £5,000"
Stupid *****.
Report bigmo January 20, 2019 10:55 AM GMT
Saw Raheem Sterling in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "****, no. Hang on".
With that, I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically.
He said, "How's that going to get you a pen?"
I said, "Well it usually gets you one you diving ****".
Report bigmo January 20, 2019 10:55 AM GMT
Bratwurst



Sauerkraut



Cabbage



Potatoes



Cheese



Beetroot



Onions



Bread



Butter



Schindler's mum's list.
Report bigmo January 21, 2019 12:48 PM GMT
It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days - in a rare tender moment he described the first time he laid eyes on Melania, and clicked 'add to cart'
Report bigmo January 21, 2019 12:49 PM GMT
Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…the other's got a dodgy tikka!

Taxis on its way
Report bigmo January 21, 2019 12:50 PM GMT
How do you know when you've passed an elephant?
You can't get the bog seat down.
Report bigmo January 21, 2019 12:52 PM GMT
My wife comes out of the bathroom naked after her shower and walks into the bedroom, she said to me "babe shut the curtains I don't want the neighbours to see me naked", "don't worry" I said " if the neighbours see you naked they'll shut their own  curtains"
Report ditchbert January 21, 2019 1:46 PM GMT
A scumbag called Carl has been breaking into houses on our estate
for some months and the police have been unable to catch him.
While robbing the houses to feed his drug addiction, he ruins our
washing machines by putting bricks in them and just before making
his getaway he turns on the fast spin cycle.
Well recently he was found dead in a local alley, due to an overdose.
It is never nice to speak ill of the dead, but on the bright side our
washing machines are living longer with Carl gone.
Report irishone January 21, 2019 5:31 PM GMT
Met an English fellah in airport bar
He said "do dig roads paddy ?"
I said "no I prefer Corfu"
Report irishone January 21, 2019 5:31 PM GMT
*do you did roads ......
Report irishone January 21, 2019 5:32 PM GMT
*do you dig roads ......
Report irishone January 21, 2019 5:32 PM GMT
Fank fecki got da punchline right
Report akabula January 22, 2019 1:50 AM GMT
Saw this on twitter:
The worlds oldest man at 113 dies in Japan.
Not Again. That title must be cursed.
Report treetop January 24, 2019 9:19 PM GMT
Bloke goes to see a financial adviser who needs to take some details. Name ? Joshua ****brake. What,the adviser says,that cant be true ! It is,check with my employer Betfair if you like, Adviser gets the number and rings up Betfair,telephonist answered and says 'Do you have a ****brake working there ? Telephonist replies, you'll be lucky this lot are so tightfisted we don't even get a coffee break !!
Report irishone January 28, 2019 9:50 AM GMT
My grandaughter aged 5 asked me grandad where does poo come from.
Knowing kids go through these toilet stages ,and exploring their own bodies, like any responsible adult ,i pulled her to one side ,sat her down and explained about how food enters the body, goes to the belly, all the good stuff gets taken out and the bad stuff travels out your bottom into the toilet. She looked at me very puzzled  and then asked what about tigger?
Report treetop January 29, 2019 6:29 PM GMT
Man goes up to the bar and asks the barmaid for a pint and says to her,can you give me a quickie ? She slaps his face and hands the pint over abruptly. Twenty minutes later he returned to the bar and asks for a pint and says,can you please give me a quickie ? Again,the barmaid slaps him and slams his pint on the counter leaving him puzzled. The bloke standing at the bar turns and says, I think if you pronounce that as queesh you may get served next time !!

Come back bigmo,we need you !
Report bigmo January 31, 2019 9:29 AM GMT
Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Report bigmo January 31, 2019 9:30 AM GMT
A bloke with one arm went in the Barbers
He said 'A shave please'

The barber cut his ear, his chin and both sides of his face

Barber asked 'Have you been in here before?'

The chap replied 'No, I lost my arm in the first world war'
Report bigmo January 31, 2019 9:31 AM GMT
Don't be a tw@t by calling your kid Abcde.

Call it Vwxyz, instead, a normal Polish name.
Report bigmo January 31, 2019 9:31 AM GMT
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!
Report treetop January 31, 2019 4:52 PM GMT
Nice to see normal service resumed bigmo !
Report boxingthefox January 31, 2019 11:12 PM GMT
Talking to my stroppy girlfriend,.....Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?


Her: Awww... Yes!!!


Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
Report boxingthefox January 31, 2019 11:13 PM GMT
Teacher: How much is a gram?

Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need
Report boxingthefox January 31, 2019 11:14 PM GMT
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Report boxingthefox January 31, 2019 11:16 PM GMT
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Report boxingthefox January 31, 2019 11:20 PM GMT
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Report bigmo February 1, 2019 2:45 PM GMT
Salad to become scarce and hard to come by in the event of a no deal Brexit.

Scotland is said to be unconcerned.
Report bigmo February 1, 2019 2:45 PM GMT
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!
Report bigmo February 1, 2019 2:45 PM GMT
Autopsies can be very traumatic.

Especially on "take your child to work" day.
Report bigmo February 2, 2019 8:29 AM GMT
Dry January done. Not wet the bed once....
Report bigmo February 2, 2019 8:30 AM GMT
Met Office. Severe weather warning.
Beware of who you take home tonight.
You maybe be stuck with them the whole weekend.
Report bigmo February 2, 2019 8:30 AM GMT
I used to always laugh at fat people.

Until I saw Jo Brand.
Report bigmo February 2, 2019 8:30 AM GMT
I had a dream that I died and found myself forced to watch endless episodes of The Goodies

Bill Oddie Hell.
Report bigmo February 3, 2019 10:51 AM GMT
What is your name, sir?

"Mohamed!"

Is that your Christian name?
Report bigmo February 3, 2019 10:51 AM GMT
An old Indian chief was asked the name of his wife.

He replied, "Wife name, I call - Tai' Shiko Waka Izdzaa ."

'That's unusual, what is it in English'

'It means, 'Three Horse Woman'.

"Really, and why Three Horse Woman?"

"It old Apache name from the time before time.  Name mean -  nag, nag, nag"
Report bigmo February 3, 2019 10:52 AM GMT
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

100
1 to keep promising they're going to change it
99 to argue about how to change it as a delay tactic while they come up with a reason why it would be bad to change it....
Report bigmo February 4, 2019 2:11 PM GMT
Laptop speakers!..too quiet for music..too loud for porn!
Report bigmo February 4, 2019 2:11 PM GMT
Philosophical thought Experiment.
"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it,
does the LGBTQIAPD community still get offended?"
Report bigmo February 4, 2019 2:11 PM GMT
A dyslexic terrorist has stormed the London Zoo making random demands. He has taken six ostriches...
Report bigmo February 4, 2019 2:12 PM GMT
Knock knock
Whos there
Dishes .
Dishes who
Dishes Sean Connery .
Report lybertyne February 4, 2019 10:02 PM GMT
I was getting a blowie off a Spurs fan but she refused to swallow so instead I jízzed on a window and let nature take its course.
Report bigmo February 5, 2019 12:03 PM GMT
My wife had a breast enlargement and also had the surgeon implant squeakys in them to make foreplay funny.

I was playing with them and I have never laughed so much in my life....when the dog ripped them to shreds.
Report bigmo February 5, 2019 12:04 PM GMT
Brexit - what a fat lass from Rotherham does to a flimsy plastic chair when she sits on it.
Report bigmo February 5, 2019 12:05 PM GMT
Always be true to yourself. Never listen to those who tell you what you can't do.
They told Beethoven he'd never make music because he was deaf.
But he didn't listen to them.
Report bigmo February 6, 2019 6:07 PM GMT
Something I cannot wrap my head around.

All these blue haired whale-clown feminists banging on about what a "real" man is.

But it makes no sense

No real man is going to listen to a feminist in the first place.
Report bigmo February 6, 2019 6:08 PM GMT
Me give up on me new career as a window cleaner.

A Babylon see me up a ladder and arrest me straight away.
Me say "you is a racist, times have changed, have you never see black window cleaner before?".

Him say "most window cleaners clean windows with a sponge and a squeegee not a crowbar mate "
Report bigmo February 6, 2019 6:08 PM GMT
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town!
"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her"
So he walked her past it again!!
Report treetop February 6, 2019 8:02 PM GMT
Walked past again,priceless !
Report twizzle22 February 7, 2019 10:42 AM GMT
I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel this morning...unfortunately she died.
Report bigmo February 7, 2019 1:46 PM GMT
My little twelve-year-old son was beside himself when Richard Hammond his pet hamster died in a tragic Scalextric accident.
My mate suggested he contact other bereaved hamster owners on-line, a problem shared so to speak.
Think he said the site was called Xhamster.Com.
Anyway, my lad seems a lot happier and very keen to get up to his room to study all the time now.
Report bigmo February 7, 2019 1:47 PM GMT
I'm against recycling..because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to the bin-men!!
Report bigmo February 7, 2019 1:47 PM GMT
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there are no instructions on how to use it.

It's left me scratching my head if I'm honest.
Report twizzle22 February 7, 2019 8:43 PM GMT
I went to the supermarket today and their was a special on.....he collected the trolleys.
Report bigmo February 9, 2019 10:48 AM GMT
My girlfriend left me because I was "a typical sexist male."

I was in town and saw she now has a job at Subway.

So I walked in and told her to make me a sandwich.
Report bigmo February 9, 2019 10:48 AM GMT
Diane Abbott has launched her own brand of face cream in time for Christmas.
It's called Oil of Ugly.
Report bigmo February 9, 2019 10:50 AM GMT
A few famous quotes.

"No need to repeat yourself.
I ignored you the 1st time".

"You are fat so I won't sugar coat it,  you would probably eat that as well".

"Two wrongs don't make a right.
ask your parents".

"You are the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard" .

"Don't you just love nature despite what it did to you" .

"There is a glass full of shut the f*ck up on the table.
Have a drink".

"Some day you will go far I just hope you stay there ".
Report FOYLESWAR February 9, 2019 12:07 PM GMT
one here from the late great mike read ..........a bloke comes home from work and theres a load of weight lifting gear in the room ,says to the wife whats that for ? wife says i it cost £300 i bought it to excersise it might  make me boobs bigger ,ffs says bloke £300 what i waste a money ,you shoulda used toilet tissue,........ toilet tissue ? says wife ? yeah yer get the toilet paper and rub it between your tits and they get bigger ! you sure ? yeah says bloke look what its done for your arse !
Report bigmo February 10, 2019 1:54 PM GMT
Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment, and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.
Report bigmo February 10, 2019 1:55 PM GMT
My wife wanted to give me a w@nk as a surprise cheeky Birthday present this morning.

I'm not saying I'm old but I wish she'd warned me last week.
Report SlippyBlue February 10, 2019 3:56 PM GMT
"A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town!
"Did you smell that food?" she asked.."it smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kindhearted fella, he thought "what the hell..I'll treat her"
So he walked her past it again!!"


LaughLaugh top bombing bigmo, I'm pinching that gem! Laugh
Report treetop February 10, 2019 3:58 PM GMT
Awesome slippy, shows good humour isn't all about effing and blinding. Had me smiling all day that one bigmo,ta
Report boxingthefox February 10, 2019 4:02 PM GMT
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Ooh, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!".
Report bigmo February 11, 2019 12:59 PM GMT
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone..so you can shut up about your big battle at Normandy Grandad!
Report bigmo February 11, 2019 12:59 PM GMT
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone travelled back in time and whispered an Ed Sheeran song into it?
Report bigmo February 11, 2019 1:00 PM GMT
My wife's pet got out and she came back from the chase huffing and breathless.

"You really need to lose some weight," I said to her.

"You know how hard it is to catch Spike," she panted, "and how fast he is."

"Spike is a tortoise."
Report bigmo February 12, 2019 7:28 PM GMT
A true story...

The wife was getting a bit mopey and down seeing how well people she hates and despises seem to be doing well and profiting all year with no effort or merit what so ever.
She said "we never get a break, god we work all year with nothing to show for it, I wouldn't mind a bit of luck for just once in my life"

I said " you used all your lifetimes luck up when you met me sweetie "


I quickly ducked the ornament she threw at me .
Report bigmo February 12, 2019 7:28 PM GMT
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - London's most hated cab driver!
Report bigmo February 14, 2019 1:16 PM GMT
The man that invented human cloning has died.

The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.
Report bigmo February 14, 2019 1:17 PM GMT
My claim to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men.
"John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people sharing all the world?"
He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "one day I might just write a song about this moment."
And he did, the rarely heard album track "Some Random **** I Met On A Train One Day".
Report bigmo February 14, 2019 1:18 PM GMT
Why did God invent marriage?

Because hopes and dreams won't crush themselves you know.
Report Makybe_Diva February 14, 2019 10:21 PM GMT
Bilbo awoke one morning to find a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house

There was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Report boxingthefox February 14, 2019 10:37 PM GMT
Laugh VG MD.Love
Report Makybe_Diva February 14, 2019 11:13 PM GMT
Happy
Report bigmo February 15, 2019 11:27 AM GMT
I bought the wife roses for Valentine's Day.

She ate them all before breakfast.
Report bigmo February 15, 2019 11:27 AM GMT
The Crash Test Dummies were one-hit wonders.
Report bigmo February 15, 2019 11:28 AM GMT
Its a well known fact that women never answer video calls after 9pm because their face has been restored to factory settings
Report Aspro February 15, 2019 12:08 PM GMT
Last night Arsenal lost to Bate Borisov. If you don't know who they are or have never heard of them, they are a small team originating from Woolwich.
Report kenny mann February 15, 2019 5:38 PM GMT
2 Asians standing outside a pub in Bradford having a smoke and observing the many people passing to and fro. One says to his mate, this place is full of feckin' foreigners.
Report bigmo February 16, 2019 12:29 PM GMT
My mate suffers from that disease which makes him allergic to facts.

Religion.
Report bigmo February 16, 2019 12:30 PM GMT
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”

“Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
Report bigmo February 16, 2019 12:31 PM GMT
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents the other day. After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could have done better than that son. She's the ugliest pig I've ever seen!

She must weigh 23 stone. Covered in spots. lips like a cod, shes got a beard, she's cross-eyed, got a bald head, size 15 feet and she stinks!!"

I said, "there's no need to whisper dad she's deaf!..."
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