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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 16,853 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report bigmo June 4, 2018 6:10 PM BST
I left a pallet of bricks parked outside my mates house in Liverpool last night.

I’ve just looked outside and the pallet is now propped up on each corner by Ford Sierras.
Report bigmo June 5, 2018 1:11 PM BST
I've bought some really cheap handguns and automatic rifles from America.

Their "Back to school" sales are awesome.
Report bigmo June 5, 2018 1:11 PM BST
My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence until they need something from me.
Report bigmo June 5, 2018 1:11 PM BST
The wife had the cheek to call me a lazy **** today…
And I was just thinking of taking down the Christmas decorations.
Report bigmo June 5, 2018 1:12 PM BST
For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married…
I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.
Report bigmo June 6, 2018 1:29 PM BST
Michael Mcintyre mugged.

Now he knows how I felt when I bought a ticket to see the unfunny **** live.
Report bigmo June 6, 2018 1:29 PM BST
Please can someone help me out? I cant think of another purpose for multi-purpose compost, other than for growing plants in.
Report bigmo June 6, 2018 1:30 PM BST
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."


Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" and "BL00DY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"
Report bigmo June 6, 2018 1:31 PM BST
I'm in a band called The Taxpayers
We've supported Queen and Prince for years.
Report moisok June 6, 2018 9:29 PM BST
big Mo - queenslander - brilliant - put a big smile on my gob - speshally as ise been to Brisbane

or Bribby as us locals call it

loads of  ........... wait for it
Report moisok June 6, 2018 9:29 PM BST
PU$$Y
Report bigmo June 7, 2018 5:35 PM BST
moisok HappyLaugh


Camilla decided at the last minute to go with new shoes for the Royal Wedding . . .

The local blacksmith was said to have been p*ssed off at having to work late .
Report bigmo June 7, 2018 5:35 PM BST
I tried teaching my dog to dance.

Turns out he's got 2 left feet.
Report bigmo June 7, 2018 5:36 PM BST
What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they’re fine.
Report bigmo June 7, 2018 5:36 PM BST
RECREATE that ‘sat in the audience at a Jeremy Kyle show’ feeling by sitting in the order collection area at Argos.
Report bigmo June 8, 2018 12:58 PM BST
A factory that produces prosthetic limbs for obese amputees was broken into last night.

Police are looking for two heavily armed men.
Report bigmo June 8, 2018 12:58 PM BST
Even though ive gone bald, i still kept the comb I've had for nearly 20 years.
I just can't part with it.
Report bigmo June 8, 2018 12:59 PM BST
Saw the strangest thing today a one armed man walking into a second hand shop!!
Report bigmo June 9, 2018 10:23 AM BST
F*ckin great!

Six days 'til the world cup....

....Or if you're Italian, it's only 1625 days!
Report bigmo June 9, 2018 10:23 AM BST
SKY SPORTS NEWS....

Liverpool FC are demanding the 1989 title decider V Arsenal at Anfield be replayed as Bruce Grobbelaar had a mild chest infection.
Report bigmo June 9, 2018 10:23 AM BST
As a tribute to Peter Stringfellow, all strippers in his club's will be wearing their g-strings at half mast today.
Report bigmo June 9, 2018 10:25 AM BST
They say the pain during child birth is so great,
A woman can almost imagine what a man with man flu feels like.
Report bigmo June 10, 2018 4:10 PM BST
The Nigerian football team were so disapointed with yesterdays game that they will personally refund all expences of their fans that travelled to support them... All they need to do is give their bank details, sort codes and PIN numbers and they will transfer the money.
Report bigmo June 10, 2018 4:10 PM BST
What do you call a Muslim who works for House of Fraser?

Bin Laidoff
Report bigmo June 10, 2018 4:11 PM BST
England are 12-1 to win the world cup.
For those of you who don't understand betting... If you bet £100, you will lose £100!
Report bigmo June 10, 2018 4:11 PM BST
At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my @rse, and said.
“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”
“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming us on her phone ”
Report lmfao June 10, 2018 4:33 PM BST
cheers Bigmo - havnt looked in for a while- great to see you are still extant and kicking :)

thanks Laugh
Report bigmo June 11, 2018 5:36 PM BST
Thanks lmfao



You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their @rses in the mirror they would be able to reverse park
between two cars.
Report bigmo June 11, 2018 5:36 PM BST
"On behalf of the labour party I would like to congratulate the royal couple on the birth of their new baby which weighed six pounds and seven pence. "

Announced Dianne Abbott.
Report bigmo June 11, 2018 5:37 PM BST
A doctor looks at recently deceased patient and asks, “What were his final words?”
The nurse replies, “None, Doctor his wife was with him to the very end.”
Report bigmo June 11, 2018 5:37 PM BST
I said alexa What do women want?”

That f*cking thing has not shut up for the past three days.
Report pixie June 11, 2018 5:55 PM BST
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"......Wink
Report acey deucy June 11, 2018 6:07 PM BST
LaughLaugh
Report bigmo June 12, 2018 5:21 PM BST
There’s a tribe in Africa called the Wuntu Wuntu.

They set up equipment for rock bands.
Report bigmo June 12, 2018 5:21 PM BST
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Report bigmo June 12, 2018 5:22 PM BST
I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.

Carlsberg.
Report twizzle22 June 12, 2018 7:24 PM BST
Paddy and Patrick are in the pub and Paddy's telling Patrick about the time he decided to do a parachute jump.
"I was up  at 1300ft and i looked out da plane and i thought fck that i ain't jumping"
"I turned round to sit down when the instructor said"Paddy if you don't jump see this here"?..and he unzipped his trousers and got out the biggest kock ive ever seen."If you don't jump out this here plane i'm gonna stick this right up your ar$e.

"So did you jump then Paddy"?

"Only when he first put it in Patrick"
Report prepared83 June 13, 2018 12:24 PM BST
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller
Report Aspro June 13, 2018 2:04 PM BST
Sis sent me these today (not guilty)...

*I've been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.
He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea "some assembly required" wardrobes

*My mate John was having trouble dating girls so he went to the library to see if there was a book that could help him.  He was disappointed when came home with a book call HOW to HUG.......it was volume 19 of Encyclopedia Britannica

*My budgie escaped from his cage a few weeks ago and shagged the dog.
If anyones interested i have some puppys going cheep.

*My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.
it's all fun and games until someone loses an I...

*The best part of being a pathological liar is having an 11-inch kock.
Report bigmo June 14, 2018 4:39 PM BST
The police are looking into the the Corbyn/Abbott affair with a view to bringing charges. They are going to charge Corbyn with having an offensive person on his weapon.
Report bigmo June 14, 2018 4:39 PM BST
Every member of the Scottish National Party rushed out of Parliament earlier as they heard the local Westminster chippy were having a "buy one get one free" deal on fried Mars Bars.
Report bigmo June 14, 2018 4:39 PM BST
I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.

Carlsberg.
Report bigmo June 14, 2018 4:40 PM BST
If Diane Abbott was in a normal job...

Diane did u fix the lift?
Well I think...
Did u fix the lift?
I believe....
Did you fix the lift?
It’s my opinion that...
Drop the van back to the yard and pick up your p45 in the morning

Life in the real world
Report bigmo June 14, 2018 4:40 PM BST
I was referee at a women’s football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she’d done wrong.
Report bigmo June 15, 2018 3:37 PM BST
Polish fans have been officially warned that if they cause any trouble during the World cup in Russia 2018 they will be deported back to the UK.
Report bigmo June 15, 2018 3:38 PM BST
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Report bigmo June 15, 2018 3:38 PM BST
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers switchd to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Report bigmo June 15, 2018 3:39 PM BST
My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers.
Report bigmo June 16, 2018 11:07 AM BST
I’ve recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.
After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, “Use this. You won’t look as g@y”
Report bigmo June 16, 2018 11:07 AM BST
How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say ‘What’s that?’
Report bigmo June 16, 2018 11:08 AM BST
"What was that you put on my sandwiches today?". I asked the wife when i got home from work.
"Crab paste" she said.
"Where did you get that from?". I asked
"The chemist". She replied
Report bigmo June 16, 2018 11:08 AM BST
How do you turn a fox into a cow? Marry her
Report bigmo June 16, 2018 11:18 AM BST
Looks like Saudi Arabia will beheading home soon
Report bigmo June 17, 2018 1:06 PM BST
Bungee jumping £10

Muslim's go free... (no strings attached)
Report bigmo June 17, 2018 1:06 PM BST
"If anyone tried to upskirt me, I'd think they were horribly weird" - Dianne Abbott

Sometimes the fat cow hits the nail on the head.
Report bigmo June 17, 2018 1:06 PM BST
"What was that you put on my sandwiches today?". I asked the wife when i got home from work.
"Crab paste" she said.
"Where did you get that from?". I asked
"The chemist". She replied
Report bigmo June 17, 2018 1:07 PM BST
Same sex marriage?

F*cking hell I would be happy with some sex marriage!
Report bigmo June 18, 2018 4:45 PM BST
And that, Mr Trump, Is how you get the Mexicans to put up a solid wall.
Report bigmo June 18, 2018 4:45 PM BST
I've just heard the official song for the England women's football world cup team.

Steam irons on a shirt.
Report bigmo June 18, 2018 4:45 PM BST
Any T.V programme shown in Liverpool that depicts people working, carries the subtitle 'Please do not try this at home'.
Report bigmo June 18, 2018 4:46 PM BST
James Bond used to take Viagra.

Apparently it made him Roger Moore.
Report Injera June 18, 2018 5:16 PM BST
Some crackerjacks there bigmo! Laugh
Report bigmo June 19, 2018 10:06 AM BST
Thanks Injera.Happy


PRETEND to be a skilled pharmacist by taking half an hour to put some tablets in a f*cking bag.
Report bigmo June 19, 2018 10:06 AM BST
What’s the difference between a Lesbian in a porno and a real life one?

About 8 stone
Report bigmo June 19, 2018 10:06 AM BST
IF YOU’RE behind someone at a cash machine let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Report bigmo June 19, 2018 10:07 AM BST
GET instant pain relief after stubbing your toe by hopping on one leg and shouting 'F*CKING B*STARD' repeatedly.
Report bigmo June 20, 2018 11:55 AM BST
Poland fans have gone on a rampage in Russia....
Police have reported that 350 cars have so far been washed, polished and hoovered !
Report bigmo June 20, 2018 11:55 AM BST
During meditation, a monk asks his master…
“Master. If a man shaves his @ss, is he g@y?”
His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”
Report bigmo June 20, 2018 11:56 AM BST
Emitting a silent f@rt whilst opening a dairy lea triangle....will convince your dinner guests It's an expensive french cheese.
Report bigmo June 20, 2018 11:56 AM BST
Don’t try to understand women.
Women understand women and they
hate each other .
Report johnizere June 21, 2018 10:21 AM BST
Medical fact.
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke.
If you let her finish the bottle, she might suck it as well.
Report Aspro June 21, 2018 10:30 AM BST
Just started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 30,000 signatures.
Report prepared83 June 21, 2018 12:25 PM BST
what do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator
Report HH Sultan Vinegar June 21, 2018 12:37 PM BST
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
Report HH Sultan Vinegar June 21, 2018 12:38 PM BST
I'm writing a self help book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.
Report prepared83 June 21, 2018 12:46 PM BST
I just started reading a book about anti gravity

i cant put it down
Report HH Sultan Vinegar June 21, 2018 12:49 PM BST
I recently wrote a book on Poltergeists.

It's flying off the shelves.
Report bigmo June 21, 2018 2:19 PM BST
Don't know if you've been away HH as I haven't seen you on here for while. Nice to see you back.
Report HH Sultan Vinegar June 21, 2018 2:40 PM BST
hello bigmo. Likewise buddy.
Report bigmo June 21, 2018 8:58 PM BST
My Wife got injured during a football match yesterday.

She tried turning the world cup over.
Report bigmo June 21, 2018 8:59 PM BST
England Versus Panama is live on the BBC on Sunday.
I wonder what they will be showing at the same time in Scotland and Wales, Wish You Were Here?
Report bigmo June 21, 2018 9:00 PM BST
My wife walked in today and screamed, "you and all your f*ckin tools, nuts and bolts on my f*ckin table! None of your f*ckin inventions ever work anyway!"
Thats when the Slap A C*ntamatic 3000 proved her wrong.
Report HH Sultan Vinegar June 22, 2018 12:05 PM BST
I met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 11.72 seconds.
Report HH Sultan Vinegar June 22, 2018 12:07 PM BST
What have Jeremy Clarkson and Diego Maradona got in common?

They have both spent time in Argentina on Top Gear.
Report bigmo June 22, 2018 5:55 PM BST
Was looking out my bedroom window, half asleep, wondering why the sky was getting lighter in the east.

Then it dawned on me...
Report bigmo June 22, 2018 5:55 PM BST
“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.

“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

It took me three hours.
Report bigmo June 22, 2018 5:55 PM BST
Here's a tip worth remembering.

If ever you're attacked by a bunch of Clowns, always go for the Juggler.
Report bigmo June 22, 2018 5:57 PM BST
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands.

He told them to try to forgive them, then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety five," she replied.

"Mrs. Johnson, please come up to the altar and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered up to the altar and said into the microphone, "I outlived every one of them.
Report bigmo June 23, 2018 9:55 AM BST
I haven't seen Argentina defend this badly since the Falklands in 1982.
Report bigmo June 23, 2018 9:55 AM BST
Ever noticed how the older a man gets, the further he had to walk to school as a boy?
Report bigmo June 23, 2018 9:56 AM BST
I remember when me and my wife had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You lying b@stard You told me you were a pilot in the red arrows.”
I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”
Report bigmo June 23, 2018 9:56 AM BST
I went into this club last night and got p*ssed as a @art. I woke up next to the the fattest ugliest m1nger I had ever seen.

I obviously made it home then.
Report bigmo June 24, 2018 1:39 PM BST
Tens of thousands march through London protesting Brexit:

What a great idea!

If England lose to Panama, let's march in protest and demand FIFA replay the game.
Report bigmo June 24, 2018 1:39 PM BST
Wimbledon will soon be upon us
My wifes a keen tennis fan, but
She hates all that groaning and
grunting during the womens matches

I have promised her I will stop
Report bigmo June 24, 2018 1:40 PM BST
I'm looking at starting up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

I just need help getting it off the ground.
Report bigmo June 24, 2018 1:40 PM BST
F*ck Eurovision, if I wanted to hear a bunch of foreigners singing, I'd just go to a game at Old Trafford.
Report bigmo June 25, 2018 4:57 PM BST
A female football pundit walks into a bar....

Please! Someone keep her there until the world cup is over.
Report bigmo June 25, 2018 4:57 PM BST
I went into a women's changing room today and forced everyone to act as if they wanted me there

Like a female football pundit.
Report bigmo June 25, 2018 4:58 PM BST
Well pleased with my new car apart from it wont work between 2 and 5 o'clock ' its a Ford Siesta
Report bigmo June 25, 2018 4:58 PM BST
“Have you been w@nking in the shower?” my wife asked.

“Erm.. Of course not babe!” I replied. “What makes you say that?”

She said, “The laptop is f*cking soaked.”
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