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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 27,733 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report bigmo September 24, 2018 5:27 PM BST
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £5000. Tux rental-£100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Report Injera September 24, 2018 5:30 PM BST
Brilliant and so true!!
Report bigmo September 25, 2018 2:38 PM BST
I’m not very good at self-deprecation.
Report bigmo September 25, 2018 2:38 PM BST
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go home.
Report bigmo September 25, 2018 2:39 PM BST
I remember when I took my son to the pub for the first time
I bought him a pint of bitter, he didn't like it so I drank it, I bought him a pint of lager, same thing,cider same thing, alcopops, same thing.
I bought him the full selection of spirits,he didn't like any of them so I had to finish them off, so we finally went home.
How the f*ck I got that pushchair home I'll never know.
Report bigmo September 25, 2018 2:40 PM BST
DRIVERS: Whatever you do, don't get the U2 voiced satnav. The streets have no names and you'll never find what you are looking for. Oh, and Bono's a ****.
Report bigmo September 26, 2018 4:46 PM BST
The fairy god mother says to Cinderella "don't forget cinders if you are not home by the final stroke of the bell at midnight your dress will become rags, and your p*ssy will turn into a pumpkin".
Cinders is dancing at the ball and meets a handsome young man ..she tells him her name and asks him his.

He says "peter peter pumpkin eater what time do you have to be home pretty lady?"
She replies "dunno 3ish maybe 4 o'clock in the morning "
Report treetop September 26, 2018 11:48 PM BST
Bloke I used to work with got a job as a toilet attendant in Picadilly Circus. I asked him what is it like then ? Replies, I have to say it is depressing, hippies smoking funny smelling cigarettes in the cubicles,city gents chatting up young men and going into cubicles together but it has been better this morning,he said. How's that I asked,well a bloke came in and had a s**t today,it was like a breath of fresh air !
Report bigmo September 27, 2018 11:23 AM BST
I'm trying to sell all my old dogging equipment on eBay.

Not had any bids but there's loads of people watching...
Report bigmo September 27, 2018 11:24 AM BST
I go to the gym three times a week.

I don't do any exercise, but after I've watched the ladies working up a sweat in their Lycra gear I go home and have a nice protein shake.
Report bigmo September 27, 2018 11:25 AM BST
A bloke goes to an optician carrying a violin case. The optician sits him down at his desk and asks " before I test your eyes do you have anything concerning you ? ". The bloke puts the violin case on the table and snaps it open and inside there is a **** the length of the case and nearly as wide.
The optician jumps up and screams " You dirty b@stard ,get out of my f*cking office and take that with you " the bloke casually says " I did that " . The optician says " you did that ?, its a f*cking doctor you want not an optician, now f*ck off out" . The bloke says " you don't understand... every time I do one of them , my eyes water"

Really old- Billy Connolly, I think
Report bigmo September 27, 2018 11:25 AM BST
Went to see a concert performance by the royal bermuda philharmonic orchestra .

Half way through the first symphony the triangle player vanished .
Report FIGJAM September 28, 2018 12:00 PM BST
A gay man sits next to a Scouser in a bar,the gay guy takes a shine to him,
tries his luck and asks him if he wants a ****.
The Scouser knocks him spark out!
The barman says "what did he say?"
The Scouser says "f.ck knows......something about a job."
Report FIGJAM September 28, 2018 12:03 PM BST
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said in the event of an accident I had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking if I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.
Report bigmo September 28, 2018 1:37 PM BST
My wife is pregnant after her 8th medically advised abortion. She's thrilled to bits and has asked me to go and sort a new cot out.

Well, I love her enthusiasm, so I've decorated the bucket this time.
Report bigmo September 28, 2018 1:37 PM BST
I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's up to almost 5 TB.
Report bigmo September 28, 2018 1:38 PM BST
I had a letter come through my letterbox this morning addressed to 'The Occupier'.

So I've sent it to the correct address, the state of Israel.
Report bigmo September 28, 2018 1:39 PM BST
My friend said to me "Why do women cheat?"

I said "We've all been there, mate"

"You've been cheated on?" He asked.

I said "No, I meant your girlfriend".
Report kenny mann September 28, 2018 11:03 PM BST
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Report kenny mann September 28, 2018 11:04 PM BST
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Report kenny mann September 28, 2018 11:04 PM BST
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Report kenny mann September 28, 2018 11:05 PM BST
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Report kenny mann September 28, 2018 11:06 PM BST
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Report kenny mann September 28, 2018 11:06 PM BST
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Report kenny mann September 28, 2018 11:07 PM BST
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Report kenny mann September 28, 2018 11:07 PM BST
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Report layemall September 28, 2018 11:23 PM BST
Was thinking about this.......came up with.....I used to be indecisive.....but now I'm not so sure.........went to the doctor and said "Doctor ....when I do this , it hurts" (raises arm up to the horizontal).............doctor says...."Don't do it then"....a ha ha ha.....Tommy Cooper joke....:)
Report bigmo September 29, 2018 10:37 AM BST
I think as part of the UK citizen test, the applicant should be made to eat a full traditional English breakfast .
Report bigmo September 29, 2018 10:37 AM BST
The first rule of Norman Collier club is ou alk ut orm er club.
Report bigmo September 29, 2018 10:37 AM BST
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?

"No dad, and will you please f*ck off with your lesbian fantasies."
Report bigmo September 29, 2018 10:38 AM BST
If Ronseal does what it says on the tin and we apply the same to drinks.

There's no ****g chance of me ever trying Kn0b Creek Bourbon or C0ckburns Port
Report sonofshinner September 29, 2018 7:23 PM BST
i went in the local petshop the other day and asked them if they had a pet that talked to keep me company and take down the local for a drink.he said all we have is a centerpeed.right ille take that.he took it home and got ready to go to the pub for a drink.he said come on welle go to the local..there was no answer from the box..so he said again come on ille take you for a drink down the local.the centrepeed got a bit ratty and said can you not wait till i put my shoes on.
Report bigmo September 30, 2018 2:31 PM BST
I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up!
Report bigmo September 30, 2018 2:31 PM BST
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.
The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request."
He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".""Okay, you"ve got it.
What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot."You"ve got it" says the Iraqi.
"What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy."It"s yours" says the Iraqi.
Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"
The Englishman says, "f*cking shoot me first".
Report bigmo September 30, 2018 2:32 PM BST
Stormy Daniels is doing porn again. Say what you want about Donald Trump, but he gets people back to work.
Report bigmo September 30, 2018 2:33 PM BST
What job ads really mean



Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

Problem-solving skills a must
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Report bigmo October 1, 2018 5:23 PM BST
My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was crying.

"He kicked me in the b@lls," I snarled.

"It's not his fault," she said, "he doesn't understand that it hurts."

"He does now," I replied.
Report bigmo October 1, 2018 5:23 PM BST
I went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an 'infectious smile'.

She had cold sores.
Report bigmo October 1, 2018 5:24 PM BST
Just adopted a retired police drug sniffing dog.

Everyone loves him but he's expensive to look after with his £1,000 a week cocaine habit
Report bigmo October 1, 2018 5:24 PM BST
My friend decided to play a game. He scrolled down his Facebook newsfeed and had a shot of whiskey every time he saw a woman whining about something

He's dead now.
Report bigmo October 2, 2018 8:03 PM BST
I've just been to the barbers and had a Jose Mourinho haircut.

F*ck all at the front, nothing at the sides and mess at the back
Report bigmo October 2, 2018 8:04 PM BST
I was so fed up with being cheated on by girls I brought one of those AI robotic sex dolls for companionship.


Just caught her in bed with the hoover!
Report bigmo October 2, 2018 8:04 PM BST
"Well Mr or is it now Miss, Jones I'm delighted to tell you your transgender operation is complete and a tremendous success.

So much in fact, our tests show you have cervical cancer. "
Report bigmo October 2, 2018 8:05 PM BST
Whilst Fred Astaire danced down the steps, his brother Stan just slowly carried an old woman up them....
Report bigmo October 2, 2018 8:13 PM BST
Dear Got Any Jokes Thread,

I have 11 jokes and I can't understand why any of them haven't scored very well.

Jose Mourinho
Report bigmo October 3, 2018 3:57 PM BST
Former Rainbow presenter Geoffrey has passed away at the age of 76...

Bungle and George have sent their condolences...

Zippy's remained tight lipped.
Report bigmo October 3, 2018 3:57 PM BST
Someone has been pouring gravy over my allotment for the last few nights.

The plot thickens
Report bigmo October 3, 2018 3:58 PM BST
Facebook are launching a dating app that's going to let users choose between five genders.

Well, I'm all for equality, and think it's about time they included the other three genders - 'Attention seeker', 'Mentally ill', and 'In denial'.
Report bigmo October 4, 2018 4:10 PM BST
An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?' 'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord blesses this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Report bigmo October 4, 2018 4:10 PM BST
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” the agent explained, “Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Report bigmo October 4, 2018 4:11 PM BST
If GILFS and Grannies are your thing, I can highly recommend a visit to any B&Q store on a Wednesday.
Report bigmo October 4, 2018 4:11 PM BST
I went to the chemist to get some lube.

"We don't have any. Have you tried Boots?"

I want to glide in, not f*cking march in!
Report bigmo October 5, 2018 7:44 PM BST
I wish people would stop making vegetable jokes about Steve Bruce.

This is a football manager who had a £200,000 a year celery.
Report bigmo October 5, 2018 7:44 PM BST
I am married to someone who is a Twin. Twins are supposed to know what each other are thinking...a telepathic link. If that's true why is by my BT phone bill so f*cking big ?
Report bigmo October 5, 2018 7:45 PM BST
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre....
Report bigmo October 5, 2018 7:45 PM BST
Do strippers in the Southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction that strippers in the Northern hemisphere do?
Report twizzle22 October 5, 2018 9:52 PM BST
Ayr Town CentreLaughLaughLaugh
Report Capt__F October 5, 2018 11:57 PM BST
wht was the name of the austrian driver who had bad accident niki something ?
Report geoff m October 6, 2018 12:01 AM BST
heard you 1st time!!
Report Escapee October 6, 2018 12:03 AM BST
niki larder maybe? that well known Scottish driver.

Got his name from eating deep fried mars bars apparently
Report Capt__F October 6, 2018 12:05 AM BST
NIKI SOMETHING ?

car crash pun Cry
Report Escapee October 6, 2018 12:17 AM BST
Niki LoudArse  ?

Scottish through and through, also known for eating a lot of beans
Report bigmo October 6, 2018 11:09 AM BST
Argos are coming to drop a wardrobe off that I bought yesterday..
I'll have to make sure that I'm home between 7.30am tomorrow and the 28th of October.
Report bigmo October 6, 2018 11:10 AM BST
The grim reaper approaches Paddy and says "I'm death"

Paddy says "I'll talk louder then"
Report bigmo October 6, 2018 11:11 AM BST
An old lady goes to the dentist, drops her panties then sits down and lifts and spreads her legs.

The dentist says, 'I'm not a gynecologist, i'm a dentist!'

She says 'I know, that's why I'm here, I need my husband's teeth back!'
Report bigmo October 7, 2018 1:20 PM BST
My wife came into the room with the most obscene looking, sexually unattractive thing I have ever seen in her hand and suggestively said. "I'm going to stick this up here"
I said. "There's no way a picture of your mother is going on that wall."
Report bigmo October 7, 2018 1:21 PM BST
My wife is so fat and lazy - she's campaigning for the recovery position to be added to the Kama Sutra.
Report bigmo October 7, 2018 1:22 PM BST
My g@y neighbour empathetically  only gives loans to those suffering from issues of sexuality.

He's a tender bender gender lender.
Report workrider October 7, 2018 9:04 PM BST
Laugh
Report bigmo October 9, 2018 6:29 PM BST
S0d's law:
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law:
The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law:
The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.

Cole's law:
A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.
Report bigmo October 9, 2018 6:29 PM BST
I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."
Report bigmo October 9, 2018 6:30 PM BST
Suicide Bombers; first you see one on the street, then they’re everywhere.
Report saddo October 9, 2018 8:49 PM BST
That awkward moment at a feminists picnic when they realise that no one made any sandwiches!
Report bigmo October 10, 2018 6:10 PM BST
I was sitting in a cubicle at the motorway service loos minding my own business when there was a tapping sound from next door.
"Have you any spare loo paper?" came a plaintive request.
I looked at my roll and noted there were, worryingly, only two sheets left.
"Sorry, mate," I said. "Only got two sheets myself."
"You don't happen to have a newspaper," he asked.
"Fraid not," I replied.

There was a long pause.

"Can you change a tenner for two fivers?"
Report bigmo October 10, 2018 6:10 PM BST
I can't afford a vacation. So I am just going to drink until I do not know where I am.
Report bigmo October 10, 2018 6:11 PM BST
Wife made me coffee and winked at me when she handed me the cup.
I have never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Report bigmo October 10, 2018 6:11 PM BST
I just entered a spelling bee contest. Wish me lucke
Report bigmo October 11, 2018 7:30 PM BST
I think most politicians are so selfish that the only time they think of anybody but themselves is when they m@sturbate.
Report bigmo October 11, 2018 7:30 PM BST
My wife is a sex object.

Every time i want sex, She objects.
Report bigmo October 11, 2018 7:31 PM BST
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"
"Yes, we arson."
Report bigmo October 11, 2018 7:31 PM BST
I hate it when my scouse girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas...

...I don't know if shes going to bed or going shopping
Report bigmo October 12, 2018 5:45 PM BST
I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces.
It's a Boing 747.
Report bigmo October 12, 2018 5:46 PM BST
My wife hates it when I go for a cr@p with the door open!
I don’t know what her problem is..I still keep my eyes on the road?
Report bigmo October 12, 2018 5:46 PM BST
Me and the missus broke up recently and decided to split the house.

I got the outside..
Report bigmo October 12, 2018 5:47 PM BST
A Traffic Warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground, and a voice comes from inside. "Please help..I'm not dead..I'm not dead...Please let me out"

The vicar smiles...and leans over the casket and says.

"Too f*cking late you ****...I've already done the paperwork"
Report treetop October 12, 2018 9:58 PM BST
Last night I asked my girl if she wanted to make love with the light on ? No thanks,she replied,I would prefer it if you closed the car door !
Report bigmo October 13, 2018 11:26 AM BST
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
Report bigmo October 13, 2018 11:26 AM BST
Trampoline:

Lube for hobos.
Report bigmo October 13, 2018 11:26 AM BST
Got chatting to a midget in the pub last night

"You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine?" I asked.

"Looking for a good time, are you?"

"No," I replied. "I've lost my key and you're the only person that can fit through the cat flap."
Report Aspro October 13, 2018 6:05 PM BST
I ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
Report workrider October 13, 2018 8:19 PM BST
Laugh
Report AFTERTHOUGHT October 13, 2018 8:33 PM BST
After a couple of leftie do gooders were recently killed whilst travelling in Afghanistan,
I decided to there myself on an organised trip to see if it was as bad as they made out, religious whackos, poor transport etc !

The trip didnt get off to the best of starts when the train broke down a few miles South of the station.
We were stranded somewhere in a rather scary hell hole where no one obvious seemed to speak English.
The train and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded chaps and the local women were covered from head to toe in burqas.

I thought we were in deep **** and convinced this wasn't going to end well.
Just then Jim our group leader appeared and ushered us off the train and around the corner
from Hounslow train station to a bus terminal where we caught the bus in safety to Heathrow!
Report bigmo October 14, 2018 12:16 PM BST
I can't believe I've been fired from my calendar factory job

All I did was take a day off.
Report bigmo October 14, 2018 12:17 PM BST
Think I've finally found "the one."
It's right beside the two on my keyboard.
Report bigmo October 14, 2018 12:17 PM BST
The Internet has become too politically correct.
What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies?
In my day they were called broken biscuits.
Report bigmo October 15, 2018 6:07 PM BST
Autocorrect is a b'stard. Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a w@nk down the river!

I meant the canal.
Report bigmo October 15, 2018 6:07 PM BST
One great indicator that you're getting drunk is when you find yourself constantly dropping things, like your standards.
Report bigmo October 15, 2018 6:07 PM BST
My mum walked in my room the other day and said "You'll go blind if you do that." I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse.
Report bigmo October 15, 2018 6:08 PM BST
"Women are the stronger sex"

Says the gender that cries lots and can't open jars.
Report FIGJAM October 15, 2018 8:03 PM BST
Seen on Twitter.

Daddy "What does penetrating gays mean?"

Well you know mummy and daddy love each other, well sometimes two men can do the same.
In what context was it said?"

"The woman looked at the customer with a penetrating gaze......"
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