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bigmo
06 Jun 11 20:28
Joined:
Date Joined: 23 Jul 03
| Topic/replies: 24,308 | Blogger: bigmo's blog
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** *******************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

***************************************** **************************************

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "f**k the pills, son, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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Report bigmo July 26, 2018 5:05 PM BST
Bought some wicked strength lager
on the label it says “Please drink responsibly.”

Well, I’ve got my seat belt on..
Report bigmo July 26, 2018 5:05 PM BST
ASDA to close 120 stores.
16 checkout operators to be made redundant.
Report bigmo July 26, 2018 5:05 PM BST
I saw a car with a sticker saying, "I am a vet therefore I can drive like an animal".

Suddenly I realized how many how many Gynecologists there are on the road !
Report johnizere July 26, 2018 8:58 PM BST
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Report 1st time poster July 27, 2018 5:01 PM BST
bloke runs the tables in vegas and walks out on to the street with his [pockets bulging,
a hooker says do you want a hand job,bloke says how much she says $200,thats a bit steep he says,she said see them 2 Ferrari,s over there I bought them on the back of my hand jobs,the best in vegas,bloke says ok then and afterwards says cant fault you ,best hand job ive ever had


bloke then says how much for a ****,5grand she said bloke says ffs ,that's a bit steep,see that row of houses over there I bought them on the back of the money I made giving ****s,best in vegas,bloke hands 5 grnd over and afterwards says cant fault you best ever

bloke said how much to have full sex,dont tell me see them 2 penthouse suites at the top of the casino you bought them on the back of all your foooks, hooker said no, but IF I HAD A fanny,I WOULD HAVE DONE, LaughLaugh
Report bigmo July 27, 2018 5:09 PM BST
I popped into the 'Wonga' shop to borrow a pen.
I have to give them seventy pens back by the end of the week.
Report bigmo July 27, 2018 5:09 PM BST
People say that I'm a disgrace because I totally ignore homeless people when they approach me to try and sell me something.

I don't know what the big issue is.
Report bigmo July 27, 2018 5:09 PM BST
I've been to the doctor and was diagnosed with low blood pressure.

He wrote me a prescription for two sets of Ikea self-assembly wardrobes
Report bigmo July 28, 2018 4:32 PM BST
Two blokes are in hospital,laid in beds waiting to go into theatre
One says to the other "What you in for"?
The other replies "Endoscopy"
"What's that then"? the first bloke asks.
"They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for"? replies the second bloke.
"Camera up my jacksy" says the first bloke.
"Do you mean a Colonoscopy"? says the second bloke
"Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden"
Report bigmo July 28, 2018 4:32 PM BST
If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes... Then photo shop should be illegal for models
Report bigmo July 28, 2018 4:33 PM BST
Today I visited a centre for severely deluded criminals, or a "mosque" as it's more commonly known.
Report bigmo July 28, 2018 4:34 PM BST
A Scouser goes for a job at sea. The Captain asks, "Have you any experience away at sea?"
"No," the lad replies, "but I'm honest!" 

The Captain decides to take him on and off they sail. After three weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the Scouser overboard.

The 1st mate runs to the Captain, "Captain, Capitan, you know the Scouse lad we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well the c*nt just f*cked off with your mop!"
Report workrider July 28, 2018 4:48 PM BST
Laugh
Report duffy July 28, 2018 5:31 PM BST
Paddy gets a job on a building site and day 1 a piece of scaffolding comes down and takes his ear clean off.

His mate finds the ear in the rubble and holding it up shouts "I've found your ear Paddy"!!!

Paddy shouts back, " No....mine had a pencil behind it"!!
Report bigmo July 29, 2018 2:00 PM BST
I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call , please?”

She said “Yes, You’re in your mid 30s, single , live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life !"
Report bigmo July 29, 2018 2:02 PM BST
A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard.

"I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia.

He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."

"He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."
Report bigmo July 29, 2018 2:02 PM BST
When the doctors go on strike, I hope they don't waste their time making signs and placards as the only people who'll be able to read them are pharmacists.
Report HH Sultan Vinegar July 29, 2018 6:54 PM BST
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them and warning them nonetheless;

..until they got sick of him and chucked him out the cinema.
Report HH Sultan Vinegar July 29, 2018 6:54 PM BST
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Report bigmo July 30, 2018 12:21 PM BST
A young ventriloquist touring Norway puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh1t on your lap."
Report bigmo July 30, 2018 12:22 PM BST
A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard. "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia.

He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."

"He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."
Report bigmo July 30, 2018 12:23 PM BST
Ooops posted that one.



I've nothing against these feminists really, but I wish that they would channel all that enthusiasm into cooking and cleaning.
Report bigmo July 30, 2018 12:24 PM BST
My wife recently sent a letter to Channel 4 asking to appear on, 'How To Look Good Naked'.

They wrote back saying she wasn't a suitable candidate, but had she considered, 'Scrapheap Challenge'.
Report bigmo July 30, 2018 12:24 PM BST
Simon Cowell has fired his personal tailor because he didn't like the fit of his trousers.

He said they were too tight under the arms
Report HH Sultan Vinegar July 30, 2018 12:29 PM BST
I’m trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament for a while, but it is not easy.

Good players are hard to find.
Report bigmo July 31, 2018 6:42 PM BST
My boss said he's going to fire everyone with bad posture. I have a hunch it might be me.
Report bigmo July 31, 2018 6:43 PM BST
If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion,
take one step sideways and then one step back.
Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion
and prevents you from standing in your own sh1t.
Report bigmo July 31, 2018 6:43 PM BST
What's the difference between a vampire and a conservative?

A conservative can suck blood in the day as well.
Report bigmo July 31, 2018 6:44 PM BST
I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there.. I asked, “Okay, who are you?” They said, “His spokes person."
Report crystalhunt July 31, 2018 7:47 PM BST
To the person who stole my antidepressants - I hope you're happy now.
Report bigmo August 1, 2018 12:30 PM BST
Drew Barrymore....

Now I just need to colour him in...
Report bigmo August 1, 2018 12:31 PM BST
Saw two male lions f*cking the @rse off each other ....
I thought god have they got no pride.
Report bigmo August 1, 2018 12:31 PM BST
I went up to the missus this morning and said "I have a big problem"
She replied "Now look, you don't have a problem, we have a problem, remember our wedding day? for better for worse, for richer for poorer and all that, now what's this so called big problem"?
I said "We've got your sister pregnant"
Report SlippyBlue August 1, 2018 5:29 PM BST
"I can't find my 'Gone In 60 Seconds' dvd. I don't understand it, it was here a minute ago."
Report Greg_Gory August 2, 2018 9:48 AM BST
Laugh
Report bigmo August 2, 2018 2:49 PM BST
Have you heard about the mathematician who is frightened of negative numbers.?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Report bigmo August 2, 2018 2:50 PM BST
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Report bigmo August 2, 2018 2:51 PM BST
Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."

"Certainly sir." I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"P*ss off you f*cking idiot." He snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.
Report bigmo August 2, 2018 2:51 PM BST
I wish Denis the menace had beaten that soft **** Walter to death when he was a kid.

The **** only grew up and changed his name to Jacob Rees Mogg.
Report Nebs August 3, 2018 2:38 PM BST
Tesco today posted a loss for last year of £7.9million
Waitrose today posted a loss for last year of £2.6million
Sainsburys today posted a loss for last year of £5.3million
Aldi today posted a profit for last year of £7.41p
Bet365 have closed Aldi's account.
Report bigmo August 3, 2018 5:00 PM BST
To all those women who complain about there being no decent men around:

Have you ever considered that they may be too smart to invest all their emotions into someone who watches Love Island?
Report bigmo August 3, 2018 5:00 PM BST
Just found £12.86 and a hat outside the train station.
I thought some guy was going to pick them up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar!
Report bigmo August 3, 2018 5:01 PM BST
A young Novice goes to the Mother Superior and says "After eight months in this Convent, I'm really missing sex"
The Mother Superior asks "Have you tried pleasuring yourself with a candle my child"?
The young Novice replies "Yes, but it's too boring, the same old thing, wick in and wick out"
Report bigmo August 3, 2018 5:01 PM BST
The politically-correct brigade can suck my Richard.
Report twizzle22 August 3, 2018 6:59 PM BST
My grandchildren were out playing water bombs with the Muslim kids next door and it was delightful to see them all having a jolly good time.The only downside was i had to keep getting up to boil the kettle.
Report bigmo August 3, 2018 7:23 PM BST
A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, find themselves forced to share a hotel room for a night. They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"

The man replies, "That would be amazing."

The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own f*cking blanket!"
Report twizzle22 August 3, 2018 7:33 PM BST
I was flicking between watching golf videos and the porn channel when my wife walked into the room and asked me to leave it on the porn channel.Quite excitedly  i asked her why.  She replied " well.. your not bad at golf"
Report bigmo August 5, 2018 11:51 AM BST
Jeremy Corbyn has just issued a statement saying the Labour party is not antisemitic and anyone that says it is should keep their big nose out.
Report bigmo August 5, 2018 11:53 AM BST
Alien couple come down to earth and go to a swinging party . They swap partners and go to respective bedrooms . The alien man takes his clothes off revealing a 1 inch c*ck .

The woman says " i am not impressed !! " The alien twists his right ear and his c*ck grows to 10 inches . " Now i am impressed " says the woman .

The alien then twists his left ear and his c*ck grows 2 inches thick . He gives the woman the best sex she has ever had .

She then meets with her husband and says " how was it for you ? " He says " sh*te .. all she kept doing was twisting my bl00dy ears "
Report bigmo August 5, 2018 11:54 AM BST
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths, "Watch this," he said.

"Shep, what's seven plus two, " he said, and the dog barked ten times.

"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. " And the dog barked twenty times.

"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "

"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
Report bigmo August 5, 2018 11:54 AM BST
Eye jokes.

The Cornea the better.
Report johnizere August 5, 2018 12:07 PM BST
My next door neighbour knocked my door, wearing a see through negligee. Asked for a cup of sugar, winked at me and offered to make me the coffee.
I said 'fack off Dave, I've got work to go to'
Report Lucky Sod August 5, 2018 3:01 PM BST
To me !
To me !
To me !
Oh yeh .........(rip barry chuckle)
Report bigmo August 6, 2018 5:35 PM BST
Endless love ....
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
Report bigmo August 6, 2018 5:35 PM BST
A bloke who's high on LSD goes into a chemist.
He says "Can you help me, I think that I'm a moth"?
The pharmacist replied "You need to see a psychiatrist, why come to me"?
The bloke says " Because your light was on"
Report bigmo August 6, 2018 5:36 PM BST
Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says "how do you fancy a round of golf"
Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says "you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch"
Stevie says" OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken"

Tiger says "OK done, when do you want to play?"
Stevie says "any night this week"
Report bigmo August 6, 2018 5:36 PM BST
My neighbours listen to good music

Whether they like it or not
Report Injera August 6, 2018 5:59 PM BST
Quite brilliant bigmo!!!!!!!!!!!
Report workrider August 6, 2018 7:20 PM BST
Yes Quite Brilliant indeed Bigmo, having the worst run of luck ever, 1 winner in 3 days racing so far this week ,on racing holiday, but after a long couple of hours on motorways I know I'll end up smiling having looked at this page. Thanks Bigmo...
Report Jack Hacksaw August 6, 2018 8:53 PM BST
Bigmo has been awarded an MBE, right?
Report twizzle22 August 6, 2018 8:56 PM BST
Just to add my name to the list of c/c's who appreciate Bigmo's contributions.Many thanks legend.
Report bigmo August 7, 2018 11:44 AM BST
Thanks everyone.
Report bigmo August 7, 2018 11:44 AM BST
"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then" she said.
I replied.." well, no, but how can you tell?"
She said.." look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my ***** and we'll start again"
Report bigmo August 7, 2018 11:45 AM BST
Me and the Missus made our very first sex video last night and she has suggested we should give it a title.
She far from happy when I came up with Enter the Dragon.
Report bigmo August 7, 2018 11:45 AM BST
I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.

Apparently they use actors on the show.
Report bigmo August 7, 2018 11:45 AM BST
I got to work this morning and couldn't give a f*ck.

Then after just one can of Red Bull i couldn't give a flying f*ck.
Report twizzle22 August 9, 2018 9:14 AM BST
I went for a job interview yesterday and the boss offered me £6.50 an hour but he DID say that the pay would rise to £13 after 3 months.He asked me when would i like to start?

"In three months" i said
Report FIGJAM August 9, 2018 12:28 PM BST
1. The Jewish Elbow,

2. The Italian Grandfather

3.  The Irish Blonde

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. 
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........
"What . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

    ______________________________ _________________
2.     Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido,
I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,
lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

   _____________________________ _ _______ _____________

3.     Irish Blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and
bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that,
she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
______________________________ _____________

Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading forums.
You hang in there, sunshine!
Report bigmo August 9, 2018 3:15 PM BST
My dad said you should always be up front with everyone .
Great bloke sh*t goalkeeper! .
Report bigmo August 9, 2018 3:16 PM BST
“Dad, do you think mum will ever come back?”

“Who knows son, women are fickle creatures.”

“She’s been gone so long. Do you miss her?”

“I do son .... but men aren’t allowed in the ladies changing rooms.”
Report bigmo August 9, 2018 3:19 PM BST
The Lone Ranger and his mate Tonto were being chased by Indians when they just managed to get in to the Alamo.
Custer came out of his office and shouted to the Lone Ranger " How many Indians are there"

"I don't know I wasn't counting" he replies..
." Tonto how many Indians were there mate" ?
Tonto puts his ear to the ground and says "100 kemosabe"
" There's a hundred" shouts the TLR to Custer.
" Are they all on horseback" replies Custer.

F*ck me, thinks the TLR to himself "Tonto mate" say's the TLR... "Are they all on horseback" ?

Tonto rolls his eyes but gets his ear to the ground again and say's " There's 70 on horseback and rest are on foot kemosabe"

"There's 70 on horseback and the rest are on foot" Shouts the TLR to Custer...

"Have they all got guns" say's Custer.
Jes*s f*cking wept curses TLR under his breath, "Tonto"..."Have they all got guns pal" ?

Tonto is p*ssed off by this time but once again places an ear to the ground and replies, " There's sixty with guns and the rest have bows and arrows"
TLR shouts over to Custer "There's sixty with guns, the rest have bows and arrows"

Custer takes a moments reflection then shouts down to TLR " He's a clever f*cker your mate ain't he" ?

"F*ck off you dopey tw@t" replies The Lone Ranger....
"He's looking under the gate"
Report bigmo August 10, 2018 1:45 PM BST
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, That's just simple thievery, I'll show how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to reenter the store and call out the owner and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick," The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and and proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them the owner angrily asks, " Okay, so where's the magic trick?!"

The Irishman replied, Look in this Englishman's pockets."
Report bigmo August 10, 2018 1:46 PM BST
My doctor just told me i need help because i'm a compulsive liar.... then she gave me a bl0w job in her office.
Report bigmo August 10, 2018 1:46 PM BST
Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school.

But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.
Report bigmo August 11, 2018 12:41 PM BST
I can't see why  female linesman and referees could  be any worse than the idiots we have now.

I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.
Report bigmo August 11, 2018 12:42 PM BST
"Heinrich sweep the square!"
"Tat tat tat tat tat tat."
"WITH A BROOM, Heinrich!"
Report bigmo August 11, 2018 12:42 PM BST
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.
Report bigmo August 11, 2018 12:42 PM BST
Very happy this morning....

I finally cracked open the last door on my Diane Abbott advent calendar !
Report twizzle22 August 12, 2018 10:07 AM BST
LONELY HEARTS


I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with.I am sensitive,caring,and have a deeply loving nature.If you wish to give me your heart,I will give you mine and know that,held within your gentle hands,it will be safe for ever..!! ( No Fat Birds!)
Report Basil_the_don August 12, 2018 11:33 AM BST
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
‘I want to live forever’ I said.
‘Sorry’ said the fairy ‘I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that’
‘Fine’ I said ‘I want to die when Spurs win the Premier League then’
‘You crafty c*nt’ said the fairy.
Report bigmo August 12, 2018 2:44 PM BST
Every zoo is a petting zoo.

If you've got the balls.
Report bigmo August 12, 2018 2:44 PM BST
I don't see my ex girlfriend anymore because she lied about her weight.

She died in a bungee jumping accident
Report bigmo August 12, 2018 2:44 PM BST
My wife bought a catsuit the other day.

Cat looks a right **** in it.
Report bigmo August 12, 2018 2:45 PM BST
A lot of Americans don't believe in evolution

To be fair, it didn't happen to them
Report bigmo August 13, 2018 8:48 AM BST
If you're a Spurs fan there's no point in buying FIFA 19.....you will already have their current squad on FIFA 18
Report bigmo August 13, 2018 8:48 AM BST
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"
Report bigmo August 13, 2018 8:49 AM BST
Apologies...



A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Report bigmo August 13, 2018 8:49 AM BST
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the very worst of it:
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
Report bigmo August 14, 2018 4:28 PM BST
I was so offended by Boris Johnson's ignorant comments about the Burka, I decided to write him a strongly worded letter

But when I tried to post it, the letterbox screamed at me.
Report bigmo August 14, 2018 4:28 PM BST
Will my continental quilt still work when we leave the EU.....
Report bigmo August 14, 2018 4:29 PM BST
My missus told me she'd got an invite to a fancy dress party.
"Oh, that explains the latex rubber sumo wrestler suit you're trying on"

She replied "What f*cking latex rubber sumo suit? I'm naked you bstard"
Report bigmo August 14, 2018 4:29 PM BST
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news.

They’re making all the headlines.
Report twizzle22 August 14, 2018 5:04 PM BST
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTy-M17y5-U

NUDE CRICKET MATCH
Report annie. August 14, 2018 9:00 PM BST
Laugh
Report annie. August 14, 2018 9:08 PM BST
Thanks again, bigmo   Happy
Report bigmo August 15, 2018 1:06 PM BST
Thanks annie.Happy
Report bigmo August 15, 2018 1:07 PM BST
Why are women so good in hockey?
Because it looks so much like vacuuming!
Report bigmo August 15, 2018 1:07 PM BST
Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.
Report bigmo August 15, 2018 1:07 PM BST
I've just read that the pollen count is exceptionally high this year. That would explain why my 14 year old son is getting through so many boxes of tissues, poor little mite.
Report bigmo August 15, 2018 1:08 PM BST
Irish Medical Dictionary. Please discuss.

Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What you do when patients die.
Benign: What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Nearly killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour: One plus one more.
Urine: Opposite of you're out!!..
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