Forums

Australian

Welcome to Live View – Take the tour to learn more
Start Tour
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
shiraz
06 Aug 10 22:05
Joined:
Date Joined: 14 Jun 04
| Topic/replies: 6,599 | Blogger: shiraz's blog
An athiest is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the athiest up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing the athiest up in the air. Just before the athiest fell into Nessies jaws he cries out:

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the athiest. God asked:

"My son, all your life you have forsaken me, why now do you call upon me?"

The athiest responded with: "Give me a break, I didn't believe in the loch ness monster five minutes ago either!"
Share |
Pause Switch to Standard View Joke of the Day
Show More
Loading...
Report Village Kid August 20, 2014 11:07 AM BST
I'm at the local PubTab the other day and there's a couple of blokes next to me at the bar and there's a Johnny Cash song playing
one bloke starts on about all these rich and famous people who have problems and crap lives
so I say "mate you wouldn't be too happy if you had a burning ring of fire"
Report Village Kid August 20, 2014 11:16 AM BST
I can hear my wifes voice now....."you think you're soooo funny"
Report henryluca August 20, 2014 11:17 AM BST
LaughLaugh
Report Roy54boy August 21, 2014 1:02 AM BST
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

Whoops
Report Roy54boy August 22, 2014 1:13 AM BST
Arriving home a day early from a business trip, a man got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. While enroute he asked the driver if he would be a witness, since he suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed. When they arrived at the man's house, they both tiptoed into the bedroom and turned on the lights. The husband rushed over to the bed, threw back the covers and found his wife in bed with another man.
As the husband held a gun to the man's head, his wife screamed, "Don't hurt him. This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for that Porche I bought you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new yacht? He did!"
The husband looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do in a case like this?"
"I'd cover him up fast before he catches cold!" replied the grinning driver.
Report Roy54boy August 24, 2014 11:52 PM BST
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.

“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”

“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”

“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously
Report Village Kid August 25, 2014 5:49 AM BST
TRUE STORY.....I was walking thru Carindale Westfields shopping centre and noticed two "fresh off the boat" kiwi's
easy to spot in their jandals, rugby shorts and extremely thick accents.
There was one of those mobile phone kiosks where they attach the phones to a display with those curly old school phone cords so no one steals them
one of the bro's says "who'd buy those phones, they're stink, you need to use a cable"
maybe you had to be there to appreciate how funny it was as I nearly hit the floor laughing and was very hard to contain myself
was chuckling about it for days
Report Roy54boy August 26, 2014 1:12 AM BST
The science graduate asks, "Why does it work?"

The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?"

The accounting graduate asks, "How much does it cost?"

The liberal arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"  Crazy
Report Roy54boy August 27, 2014 12:21 AM BST
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

Scared
Report Roy54boy August 28, 2014 12:32 AM BST
Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes.

The librarian tells him to try the fiction section.
Report Roy54boy August 29, 2014 12:57 AM BST
I've been the proud head of the Ladder Appreciation Society for years, but I've finally had enough.

I'm stepping down.

BlushCrazy
Report Roy54boy August 30, 2014 1:30 AM BST
Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of f0replay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"
Report Roy54boy August 31, 2014 1:15 AM BST
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
Report Roy54boy August 31, 2014 11:57 PM BST
Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

SadSilly
Report Roy54boy September 2, 2014 12:48 AM BST
Cassie was a really good mum. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more than a few "stop and count to 10" periods.
Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

Mischief
Report Roy54boy September 3, 2014 1:00 AM BST
The man who took Qantas to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case. BlushAngry
Report Roy54boy September 4, 2014 12:58 AM BST
Confucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok Mischief


Confucius say: Crowded elevator smell different to midget Angry
Report Roy54boy September 5, 2014 1:27 AM BST
If you're on the freeway and the woman driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing...

She will be changing lanes.

Mischief
Report Roy54boy September 6, 2014 1:28 AM BST
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

Confused
Report Roy54boy September 7, 2014 12:39 AM BST
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
***
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Report logroller September 7, 2014 3:46 AM BST
Cool
Report Roy54boy September 7, 2014 11:51 PM BST
Deep in the woods of Tennessee on a country road, a speeding motorist hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.
The motorist looks at the owner sheepishly and says, "Looks as if I killed your dog."
"Sure does."
"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."
"Sounds good."
The driver reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."
"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."
Mischief
Report Roy54boy September 9, 2014 1:13 AM BST
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!! Blush
Report Roy54boy September 10, 2014 1:38 AM BST
A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't f@ck her."
Report Roy54boy September 11, 2014 12:44 AM BST
The United Nations conducted a worldwide survey with one single question:

"Would you please give your opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:

* In Latin America, they didn't know what please meant ...
* In China, they didn't know what opinion meant ...
* In the Middle East, they didn't know what solution meant ...
* In Europe, they didn't know what shortage meant ...
* In Africa, they didn't know what food meant ...

* In the United States, they didn't know what the rest of the world meant ...

Plain
Report Roy54boy September 12, 2014 12:49 AM BST
I don't mean to brag but I just finished a 14 day diet in 2 hours and 14 minutes.

Cool
Report Roy54boy September 13, 2014 12:32 AM BST
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth... the rest was made in China.
Report Roy54boy September 14, 2014 1:27 AM BST
A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiance to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.”
He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
Report Roy54boy September 15, 2014 12:31 AM BST
A farmer is looking really p!ssed off in his local pub when his friend asks him what's wrong.
"I can't get the bull to mate with the cows," he says.
His friend says, "Well I have a tip for you. When you get home, rub your hand over the cow's mickey and smear it over the bulls nose and he will f@ck them senseless."
So the farmer goes home and does as his friend says and sure enough, the bull is mounting every cow in sight. So the farmer thinks "If it works for the bull, then I'll try it on the wife tonight".
So that night, while his wife is asleep, he slides into bed and slides his hand between the wife's legs, has a rub and smears it over his nose. He gets a raging h@rdon and then nudges his wife in the ribs and says "Take a look at this."

His wife switches the lamp on, turns round, looks at him and says "You woke me up just to show me you have a nose bleed."

Blush
Report Roy54boy September 16, 2014 12:54 AM BST
People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.

I say there is.....

Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’

Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’
Report Roy54boy September 17, 2014 1:21 AM BST
Every weekend I drive to the coast to search for bottles washed up on the shore, which may contain a message from someone in a far off land, hopefully with a name and details so I can contact them about how far their bottle has travelled.

I was really surprised to open one yesterday which read "Get a life you w@nker". Sad
Report secong coming. September 17, 2014 1:55 AM BST
LaughLaugh
Report Roy54boy September 18, 2014 1:08 AM BST
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Scared
Report Roy54boy September 19, 2014 1:16 AM BST
Little Johnny hurts his finger, runs in the house, and calls out to his mother. "Oh," she says, "let me get a band-aid for that."
"No!" cries Johnny, "Cider!"
"Cider?" the mother exclaims. "What on earth do you want cider for?"
"Because," he explains, "Sis says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she likes to put it in cider."

Mischief
Report harter September 20, 2014 12:29 AM BST
An old guy's in a doctor's waiting room and says to the guy sitting next to him, "Why are you in here?"
       
The second guy says, "I-I h-h-have a pr-pr-pretty bad st-st-stuttering problem. I'm h-h-hoping the d-d-doc-tor c-c-c-an h-h-elp. Wh-wh-why are y-y-you in here?"
       
The old guy says, "I have a bad prostrate."
       
The stutterer says, "Wh-wh-what does th-th-that mean?"
       
The old guy says, "I piss like you talk."
Report harter September 20, 2014 1:09 AM BST
John's on a flight and as they're taking off the lady across from him starts breastfeeding. A few hours later, as they start to descend, she starts breastfeeding again.

John leans over and says, "I couldn't help noticing that you breastfed your baby when we were taking off and now you're breastfeeding again as we're descending. Is there a reason?"
       
She says, "Well, there are two reasons. First, the baby was hungry each time. And two, it keeps the baby's ears from popping."
       
John says, "Damn. And all these years I've been chewing gum."
Report harter September 20, 2014 1:17 AM BST
A guy is on a business trip and while he never cheated on his wife before he decides to go to the legal ****house in town. He pays the madam a thousand dollars and she says "wow with that much you can have the best girl I have." Sure enough he goes to a room and this buxom blonde with large tits and a body to die for comes before him. She talks to him in a sultry voice, slowly undresses, does a short dance for him but no response. So she grabs his penis and starts playing with it but still no response. After a while he finally throws in the towel and she leaves without the guy getting anything for the thousand he just paid.

Anyways the next day he returns home and the guy's wife opens the door in a ripped bathrobe, hair not done, not a stain of makeup on and a cigarette dangling from her mouth. In a raspy condescending voice she says "I see you're back." With that the guy pops a massive boner. He looks down at his member and says "boy you really are a prick."
Report Roy54boy September 21, 2014 12:34 AM BST
A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Scared
Report Roy54boy September 22, 2014 12:04 AM BST
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
Report Roy54boy September 23, 2014 12:22 AM BST
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Cool
Report Roy54boy September 24, 2014 12:55 AM BST
John's new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on our way to see his parents, so he called them and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Surprised
Report Roy54boy September 25, 2014 12:39 AM BST
A man had his VISA stolen but he decided not to report it as the thief was spending less than his wife did!
Report bigted. September 25, 2014 11:30 AM BST
Blonde & friend see man with dandruff.
Friend: Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.
Blonde: What's shoulders?

Shocked
Report Roy54boy September 26, 2014 1:16 AM BST
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

Scared
Report Roy54boy September 27, 2014 1:17 AM BST
A Post Office employee in Malvern is retiring after 41 years without using any of her sick days.

Friends describe her as "dedicated".

Co-workers remember her as, "That b!tch who kept giving me the flu."
Report Roy54boy September 28, 2014 12:48 AM BST
I don't have any vices at all. For the past two years I haven't touched alcohol, gambled or even looked at a woman.

But I get out next week.
Report Roy54boy September 29, 2014 12:02 AM BST
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred. ..
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Report secong coming. September 29, 2014 12:09 AM BST
Laugh
Report Roy54boy September 30, 2014 12:16 AM BST
A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went to the races. CoolDevilDevilDevil
Report henryluca October 4, 2014 1:29 AM BST
What did the barman say when  An Ex-Lawyer, a Lesbian, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, an Adulterer and a Communist walk into a bar.

ANS: What will you have today Ms Gillard.
Report harter October 9, 2014 2:17 AM BST
One day, during a holdup at a bank, a young woman, pregnant with triplets was shot 3 times by the bandit.  She was taken to a hospital, found to be in good condition.  Since there was no threat to her life or to the fetuses, she was allowed to continue her pregnancy.  The bullets were left in place.  All went well and the woman delivered her triplets without a problem. The woman was worried about the bullets but the doctor said that over time metabolism would simply cause it to pass through their systems although it could take years.

Fifteen years later, one of the woman's daughters comes running to her mother quite upset, "I just had a scary thing happen. I peed and a bullet came out."  Her mother replied "I thought this day may happen" and proceeded to tell her about the bank robbery.

Two weeks later, a second daughter came running to her mother and said "mom something horrible just happened. I peed and a bullet came out in the toilet." Again the mother sat down with the girl and proceeded to tell her about the bank robbery.

Several weeks later, the son came to the mother extremely upset.  "Something horrible just happened," he said.  "Let me guess," replied the mother.  "You peed and a bullet came out.". "No," the son answered, "I was upstairs masturbating and I shot the dog."
Report harter November 7, 2014 1:15 AM GMT
Q: What's better than having sex with the woman you've been married to for 30 straight years?
A: Everything!!

Marriage certainly isn't what I thought it would be. I married my spouse because I figured it would be great to have sex wherever and whenever I wanted to. But after 30 years I've masturbated so much that in the few times I do have sex with my wife I always feel guilty afterwards because I feel like I'm cheating on myself.
Report THERE....IS....NO....SPOOOOON November 7, 2014 1:33 AM GMT
Had no response before, so ill ask again.

Where the bloody hell is Roy?
Report harter November 7, 2014 1:37 AM GMT
A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
Report gardenstar November 7, 2014 3:55 AM GMT
A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to

confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not

around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's

no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will

accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed

his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . ..
Report harter November 7, 2014 2:53 PM GMT
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Report Thebas November 7, 2014 10:03 PM GMT
LaughLaughLaugh
Report harter November 8, 2014 1:17 AM GMT
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Report harter November 9, 2014 7:13 PM GMT
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the gounds you told me that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"
Report harter November 10, 2014 11:58 PM GMT
How about an oldie but a goodie.

John has to go away on business for a year and asks his brother to watch his cat. A few months in he calls his brother to see how his cat is doing.

"oh your cat died," the brother replied.

All of a sudden John becomes quite irate and says "you bast*rd. My poor cat died and all you can say is 'oh your cat died'? At least you could have broken it to me in a less callous way. You could have said something like your cat was on the roof. I grabbed a ladder to get your cat down but he slipped and fell to the pavement. I picked him up and rushed him to the vet but his injuries were too bad and he died on the table. Sure I would still be upset and hurt but not nearly as much as I am now with your cold, heartless reply."

"Sorry," the brother responds. "I guess I wasn't thinking."

"That's alright John sobs. So how is mom?"

The brother pauses and replies "mom was on the roof..."
Report harter November 12, 2014 3:54 PM GMT
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the damn ship?
Report secong coming. November 13, 2014 10:27 PM GMT
very concerned for Roys health.....SadSadSad
doesnt look good...here every day for years then NOTHING.....hope all is well
Report Thebas November 13, 2014 10:49 PM GMT
yes me also secong

harter doing a great job filling in the blanks for sure

but Roy is a bloke of pattern and no posts now for around 6 weeks ... on either of his nurtured babies ... the Joke thread or the BF Music Society thread ... where not a day went by without a post ...

a top bloke Roy and wishing him the best and a return to the forum soon
Report Castiron November 13, 2014 11:41 PM GMT
Agree

Previously, Roy always advised when he would be away.
Report harter November 18, 2014 3:23 AM GMT
Does anybody know Roy personally? Maybe you can contact his family/friends and find out what they know.
In the meantime here's another joke.

A priest and a rabbi are seated on a plane together when their meals are delivered - a ham sandwich for the priest and a salad for the rabbi.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "I have to ask you a question. I know that Jews aren't supposed to eat pork but have you ever tried it?"
The rabbi says "as a matter of fact I have. I'm not proud of it but when I was growing up my family wasn't very observant and one day I did have some pork at a restaurant."

"I see," the priest says in a condescending tone.

The rabbi then says to the priest "I know in your work you have to take a vow of celibacy. Have you ever had sex?"
The priest responds "As a matter of fact I have. In my younger days, long before I envisioned becoming a priest I was a bit of a risk taker and I must confess that I did experience the pleasure of a woman's flesh."

Without missing a beat the rabbi says "better than pork huh?"
Report megsy December 16, 2014 3:55 AM GMT
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
Report megsy December 16, 2014 4:00 AM GMT
i seen santa at woodgrove shopping centre, i believe roys stomping ground, might pull santa's wiskers and ask him if he is roy?Silly...i do recall he had a huge xmas display last year.
Report secong coming. December 16, 2014 5:23 AM GMT
he did and I'm sure he posted a link to it somewhere...just have to marry up with some recognition software and see if its back up?

hopefully its all innocent and our Roy is in good health...
Report Thebas December 16, 2014 7:00 AM GMT
this is Roy's channel page

nothing uploaded for 2 years  Sad

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClpNoNchHgE-te5VHkiSbrg
Report THERE....IS....NO....SPOOOOON December 17, 2014 10:35 AM GMT
Surely one of you retired desperates could do some sleuthing and go through the obituaries. Shocked

and any schoolboy brats with time to launch futile "cup" threads..... could keep this thread at the top where it belongs

..... until Roy rejoins us  Happy.... it's the least the snotnose could do Devil
Report henryluca December 17, 2014 8:39 PM GMT
Report Joel December 18, 2014 12:26 AM GMT
Cup threads are not futile.
Report megsy December 18, 2014 9:55 AM GMT
Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , .....all same.
Report henryluca December 18, 2014 9:56 AM GMT
LaughLaugh
Report megsy December 18, 2014 9:59 AM GMT
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a
guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional
locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is
Jewish.


So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,
waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This
infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except
the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He
continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again. The
Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, " What the hell is the
matter with that Jew? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in
the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and
thank me. Is he nuts? " "Nope," replies the bartender, "He owns the place."
Report henryluca December 18, 2014 10:03 AM GMT
LaughLaugh
Report megsy December 18, 2014 10:10 AM GMT
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
Report henryluca December 19, 2014 5:17 AM GMT
ELTON John AND his lover...DAVID'S BABY


They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!


"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...."
Report megsy January 4, 2015 9:49 AM GMT
im sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations !!!!

just had a woman from the sperm bank....Boy did I give her a mouth full Whoops
Report henryluca January 4, 2015 10:00 AM GMT
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!


Cry
Report megsy January 19, 2015 7:42 AM GMT
a turtle is mugged by a snail...the authorities arrive.


Cop...can you describe your assailant?

Turtle...it happened......so fast
Report secong coming. January 21, 2015 10:05 PM GMT
2 peanuts walking down the street......one was assaulted Wink
Report harter January 22, 2015 3:32 AM GMT
A Somali man arrives in Melbourne as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country!” But the passer-by says “You are mistaken, I am Indonesian”.

The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!” The person says “I no Australian, I Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says “Thank you for letting me live in Australia!” That person puts up his hand and says “I am from Japan, I am not an Australian!”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, “Are you an Australian?”

She says, “No, I am from Syria!”

So he is puzzled, and asks her, “Where are all the Australians?” The Syrian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says…”Probably at

work.”
Report harter January 22, 2015 3:37 AM GMT
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some f*king French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*king French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but you can bet your ass it won't be French toast."
Report megsy January 23, 2015 4:53 AM GMT
A Somali man arrives in Melbourne as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country!” But the passer-by says “You are mistaken, I am lebonese”.
The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!” The person says “I no Australian, I sri lankan.”
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says “Thank you for letting me live in Australia!” That person puts up his hand and says “I am from Afghanistan, I am not an Australian!”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, “Are you an Australian?”
She says, “No, I am from Syria!”
So he is puzzled, and asks her, “Where are all the Australians?” The Syrian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says…”Probably at
work.”Whoops
Report harter January 25, 2015 2:00 AM GMT
Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob sitting with a huge smile on his face, enjoying a beer. Bill says "Hey Bob, why you so happy?"

Bob says, "Well Bill, I gotta tell you. Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, when this hot blonde comes up - she had titties bigger than my head! She says, 'can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'sure you can have a ride in my boat'. I took her way out Bill, way, way out. I turned off the boat, looked at her and said, 'it's either screw or swim'. She couldn't swim Bill, she couldn't swim.

Next day, Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob sitting there with an even BIGGER smile on his face. Bill says "Hey Bob, why you so happy today?"

Bob says, "Well Bill, I gotta tell you. Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, when this hot redhead comes up - she had titties bigger than the blonde I met yesterday! She says, 'can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'sure you can have a ride in my boat'. I took her way out Bill, way, way further than before. I turned off the boat, looked at her and said, 'it's either screw or swim'. She couldn't swim Bill, she couldn't swim.

Next day, Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob sitting there, just crying over a beer. He says, "Hey Bob, what's wrong buddy?"

Bob says, sobbing, "Well Bill, I gotta tell you. Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, when this hot brunette comes up - she had the biggest tits I've ever seen! She says, 'can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'sure you can have a ride in my boat'. I took her way out Bill, way, way further than the last two. I turned off the boat, looked down at her huge titties, and said, 'it's either screw or swim'.

...

She took off her dress Bill. She had a dick Bill, a great big dick ... And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM! I CAN'T SWIM!"
Report harter January 28, 2015 12:17 AM GMT
A blonde, brunette and redhead are in the obstetrician's office when the blonde asks the brunette if she knows what sex her baby is going to be.
"It's going to be a boy," the brunette replies.
"How do you know," the blonde asks.
"Because when I conceived my husband was on top and when the man is on top you have a boy."
The blonde then asks the redhead if she knows what her baby is going to be.
"It's going to be a girl," the redhead replies.
"How do you know," the blonde asks.
"Because when I conceived I was on top and when the woman is on top you have a girl."
All of a sudden the blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
"What's wrong?" the other two ask her.
The blonde wails "I'm going to have a puppy."
Report megsy April 8, 2015 2:22 AM BST
I'm a believer !

From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad ... I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today." I told him I was not paralysed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers, I stepped outside - and blow me down - my car was gone!
Report Joel April 8, 2015 4:03 AM BST
Crazy
Report spyvspy27 August 17, 2015 12:01 PM BST
I told my mrs I was cold, she said go sit in the corner, its 90 degrees
Report henryluca August 28, 2015 5:01 AM BST
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

  One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

  The other is getting oral sex from an 75-year-old toothless woman.


  They are both thinking the exact same thing.

  What are they both thinking?











DON'T LOOK DOWN
Report The_KAMIKAZEE_DRINKING_MACHINE August 31, 2015 5:13 PM BST
Laugh
Report henryluca September 1, 2015 6:09 AM BST
A little boy goes to his  dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let  me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the  administrator of the money,

so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care  of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes  off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he  hears his baby brother crying,

so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes  to his parent's room
and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,

he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the  little boy say's to his father,

'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says,

'Good, son, tell me in your own words  what you think politics is all  about.'


The little boy replies,

'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class

while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and  the Future is in deep ****.'
Report henryluca September 4, 2015 10:45 AM BST
What gets longer when pulled

Fits between boobs

Inserts neatly in a hole

And works best when its jerked

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.



A SEAT BELT
Report spyvspy27 September 11, 2015 2:33 AM BST
The Chinese coined the phrase ''It's not you, it's me'' while looking at family pictures.
Report THERE....IS....NO....SPOOOOON January 5, 2016 10:40 AM GMT
A horse walks into a Bar.

Barman says, "Why the long face?"

Silly
Report THERE....IS....NO....SPOOOOON January 5, 2016 11:23 AM GMT
Same Bar, an hour later...

A Penguin walks in and says to the barman,

" Hi.  Have you seen my brother?"

Barman says, "Not sure. What does he look like? "

Excited
Report HondoLomboHanoverLobell April 27, 2016 12:38 PM BST
This thread has had the most hits.
Report henryluca December 13, 2017 7:57 AM GMT
The Best Hooker

A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.  He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"

The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."

The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"

"Yes."  "Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"

"Yes."

"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"

"Yes."

"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a **** is $1000."

The hooker says, "No, $1500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a ****!"

The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give ****s that are worth every cent of  $1500."

The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some ****?"

The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"

"Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city

The hooker says, "No. But I would ... . . If I had a ****!"
Report henryluca December 21, 2017 6:25 AM GMT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxuUkYiaUc8
Post Your Reply
<CTRL+Enter> to submit
Please login to post a reply.

Wonder

Instance ID: 13539
www.betfair.com

New to Betfair?

You need to open an account before you can add content to the forum.

Opening an account only takes a few minutes.

register now